19th May 2020 at 10:19 pm #103837
It’s been (detail removed by moderator) I have finally found the courage to call the police after another bad argument with my husband, which got worse than usual. The police took him away and gave him a restriction for (detail removed by moderator) not to contact me or come near the house plus offered him an anger management course. This is because He confirmed my statement. He then decided to appeal after he found out it may show on his enhanced dbs check, which he might affect is career, so he tried to persuade me to call the police telling them I want him back and it was (detail removed by moderator) because (detail removed by moderator) my depression and low self esteem. I refused to do that and to send our son (detail removed by moderator) to stay with him as I felt i wasn’t ready to see him and it wouldn’t have been good for our son to stay away from me for that long, since he witnessed everything that happened and he wasn’t himself since. He kept in contact with his son until one day the boy refused to talk to him and previously I have told him he’s been saying (detail removed by moderator) and other stuff like that. He’s only (detail removed by moderator) but he hung up the phone and from then he said not to contact him as we have nothing to discuss. One side of me is relieved as I know that talking to him only makes me doubt about my decision and I have finally felt a bit better after a long time. But on the other side I am so upset he doesn’t want to speak with his son, or he is bot even trying to make things up, nevertheless realised what he has done. I know abusers dont change, and I dont think I’m in love with him anymore, but I just don’t understand why then I would like him so much to show that he cares and he’s willing to change? I’m a wreck at the moment, so upset for how things had to end up, for not being able to have a successful and loving marriage, and for struggling now to get my life together. This lockdown really doesn’t help, I’m a student as well and I have (detail removed by moderator) essays due, I’m supposed to start my placement in (detail removed by moderator) and I just can’t focus on anything. The only thing I can still do is going to work, as I can look after other people and I don’t have to think about myself. But when I come back home, it’s just sso heavy on my heart to bear.
When will it get better? How did you manage tonget yourself back up?
19th May 2020 at 10:31 pm #103840[email protected]Participant
Oh I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. It is very early days and you’re probably in shock and coming to terms with his abuse. It sounds as though your son is better not having contact with your ex (I’m a firm believer that if a man is abusive to the mother of his child then he isn’t a good dad), although only little he knows his own mind. It must be doubly hard dealing with all of this during lockdown. I was a shell when I escaped, I remember being scared to go into shops or get on a bus, and (detail removed by moderator) on I’m still processing and coming to terms with everything that happened to me. This forum has really helped, as has reading lots about abuse (including fiction) and I’m currently reading a lot of feminist literature as it helps me to feel strong. My local DA charity recommended Lundy Bancroft’s ‘Why Does He Do That?’ as do many women on here, it might help you to begin to understand what you’ve been through? Wishing you lots of love and luck, and remember how strong you are to have gotten out of the relationship xx
19th May 2020 at 11:29 pm #103849Wants To HelpParticipant
If your son is refusing to now talk to his dad then this shows that your son has been affected by what he has witnessed. He may not be old enough to explain this and is coping by shutting down his communication with him.
What restrictions have the police given? Is it a DVPN (72 hours) or DVPO (28 days)? If it is and your ex is contacting you already then he is in breach of this. If it shows up on his DBS that’s not your problem, he should have thought of how his behaviour may affect his career before he abused you! Actions have consequences, that’s his tough luck.
Don’t give in to his pleading etc, he’s only thinking about himself and the trouble this could get him in, he’s not really concerned about how his behaviour has harmed you or your son at all. If he’s breached anything he can be arrested for then report him if you feel safe to do so. I do understand that police involvement can ultimately make a lady feel more at risk so that will have to be your decision.
Stay strong, keep fighting, the freedom at the end of the battle is sooooo worth it.
20th May 2020 at 3:13 pm #103904
Thank you for your kind replies. I have read the book you advised not too long ago, and it’s one of the reasons why I finally had the courage to stop this. He doesnt really fit 100% his description though, as I would say he’s more subtle, but he has some of the traits indentified in the book anyway. He is still under restrictions, he was previously contacting me through a friend, which he was allowed to do. Only once we spoke directly after I agreed but then I refused to talk to him again as I felt manipulated. You are right , he was just trying to get things to work in his favour, he wanted me to tell the police basically that it was my fault for him to be distressed. But the reason why I lost my self esteem and went to some sort of depression was actually because of his constant criticism and threats, and continuous demands for me to change in the person he pictured in his head I should be. As I said before I’m glad I’m not in it anymore, I feel I can be myself without fear of being criticised or offended. I think I’m going through the different stages of grief, although I can feel anger, depression and denial all in a day!
I think what hurts me most is the realisation that the man i have been married for years, actually never loved me, because no matter what, you wouldn’t treat a person you love this bad. It’s been a few days now that I feel this constant pain in my chest, like I have a big stone on it and it feels horrible. Plus I need to keep on showing that I’m happy for the sake of my son, who constantly asks me if I’m happy whenever he sees me frowning my face if maybe I’m caught up in my thoughts.
20th May 2020 at 3:50 pm #103906KIP.Participant
How do you eat an elephant 🐘? One teaspoon at a time. This was one of my favourites in recovery. You break things down into tiny manageable pieces. You have zero contact. He’s abusing your child hoping you will come running after him begging him for contact. You dint want your child anywhere near someone who can use them in this way. I think it’s the power and control that these men love. My abuser could be your abuser. They look for someone they think they can control and then hook us in. Thank goodness you see him for what he is, no matter how painful. It took me almost three decades to work it out. He’s shown you his true colours, believe him. And well done for holding him accountable. Showing your child that abuse is never ever okay and you can walk away from that abuser no matter who they are. You both deserve better x
20th May 2020 at 3:59 pm #103909
That’s exactly what I think. Since he wasnt able to get what he wanted from me, he has now decided that HE doesnt want contact, although he is bot allowed to contact me. And he knows that I will feel bad about my son not to have a father figure in his life cuz i have been through it and he’s using it against him. I didn’t give in so I immediately stopped any form of contact. I wont fall in his trap. My only problem now is that we have joint car insurance which I’m paying for and the car I’m driving is on his name although the loan is on mine, so I need some sort of contact to sort this out. I am glad I’m able to recognise his mind games now, but it certainly doesn’t make it easier!
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