Struggling with obsessive thoughts

[Shimmy]

My mind is constantly replaying the negative comments he’s made towards me and I can’t stop thinking about them. He used to repeatedly make the same comments about the way I look, such as saying that my body looks unhealthy because I have too much body fat and that I’m not his type because of that, and he also holds his ex-girlfriend (who is a (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator)) up on a massive pedestal as though he’s doing me a favour by being with me.

I think I know the reasoning behind his behaviour… He became very health-conscious at the start of the year and he’s made quite significant lifestyle changes. He’s also lost a lot of weight as a consequence and is now underweight; his friends and family have told him he looks unhealthily skinny and that they’re concerned about him. Around the time when people started telling him of their concern, he started telling me that my body is unhealthy because I apparently weigh too much, so I think he’s trying to manipulate me through projection. I’m not skinny but I am curvy, and no one else has ever made comments about my weight to me like he has. Everyone else I’ve discussed it with has said outright that he’s wrong, and I even doubt he believes what he tells me sometimes. Why pursue someone who’s not your type?

I have mental health issues and I was bullied constantly for the way I looked growing up, so the way I feel about my appearance has always been a huge weak point for me and his comments have made my mental wounds worse. I was bullied mainly by boys in school, who said I looked weird, and that other girls were much better than me. I’ve also never felt like anyone’s type because of my past experiences. I told him about all of this when I first met him, and I think he’s using it as a manipulation tactic.

I’m sorry for venting, but I’m struggling to clear my mind and focus on anything else right now. If any of you have any helpful strategies to help overcome fixating on things and staying positive then I’d love to hear them!

[KIP.]

I remember that awful brain chatter. Firstly I can tell you if you’re still with him it will only get worse. These abusers know our weaknesses and show no mercy in trying to cripple us with insecurities. He’s just bullying you too. Watching your mental health deteriorate with every nasty comment. I remember using an elastic band on my wrist to try and distract my obsessive thoughts. Ping it when you find yourself being negative. He is poison and his words are toxic. Abusers thrive by keeping others down. I can tell you my mental health and confidence soared when I got rid of my abuser. Work on freeing yourself if you haven’t already x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Shimmy,

Your story sounds so like mine. My brother acted exactly the same as your partner/ex in terms of going health obsessed to the point of being underweight and then he called me fat at the dinner table in front of everyone and acted like he was just stating the truth! I have always been slim and am a healthy, normal weight, smaller than the uk average but because I wasn’t a stick like him and his girlfriend at the time he publicly shamed me (as he has done my whole life).

I was also bullied by boys at school and was left feeling weird and ugly and am sensitive about comments about my appearance, I’ve always looked for that external validation that I look nice and feel stressed if people think I look fat or ugly due to the bullying and abuse in my childhood.

My ex did a similar thing by showing me this glamour model’s social media account ‘by accident’ which made me feel terrible. It sounds like this is a common theme, they LOVE to put us down and make us feel rubbish.

I’m not too sure what to advise as I am in the same boat with this and have lots of comments and memories replaying in my head but hopefully it helps to know you’re not alone. Sometimes I write them down, paint them, do video journals etc. Counselling would help a lot too. I am pretty sure we need to get these abuser’s toxic words out of our heads, recognise it as the abuser’s voice and not the truth and stand up to it.

If I find myself with a negative thought about myself I have started practising challenging it which definitely helps. I started this in therapy years ago with what is called a Dysfunctional Thought Record which helped a lot and now do it in my head so you could try that as one option.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Shimmy,
You’ve had some great advice already. I completely understand where you’re coming from though, my husband always used to do that to me too knowing I was sensitive about my weight. I wasn’t fat back in the beginning, but was curvy like you. They target our weaknesses on purpose, especially if they feel their control slipping or feel they’re not getting enough attention. I read something yesterday about controlling unwanted thoughts:
Our thoughts are completely random and uncontrollably. We should therefore not be ashamed of them, we should acknowledge them and how they make us feel. However, they are only thoughts and are not real and do not define who we are and only have power over us if we attach power to them. When unwanted or negative thoughts invade your brain you should acknowledge he said that hurtful comment, acknowledge how that made you feel, but then redirect it e.g. That’s what he said, but I know he’s lying just to upset me.
I tried it when I suddenly started wondering how he’ll manage/react when I leave soon. I immediately started feeling guilty!!
I tried the suggested process and it seemed to work I just told myself I had nothing to feel guilty about. I’ve given him enough chances, I didn’t ask to be abused, it’s his fault I’m leaving. I didn’t think it would make a difference, but apparently it did, because I just got on with my chores and didn’t think about it again until I read your post. I also write my thoughts down every day when my brain starts getting swamped. I find that very helpful too. Good luck

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