Struggling with past potentially abusive ex

[Confusedaboutit]

Hi there,

I got out of a toxic relationship a year or so ago & I’m now in an incredibly healthy one. I think because of this (although I suspected at the time), I think my ex’s behaviour was potentially abusive, but I’m unsure. Here are some of the things he did:
– silent treatment/stonewalling frequently for no apparent reason
– laughing at me when I was crying helplessly, calling me a baby, standing outside the bathroom & laughing where I was on the floor crying
– making me feel guilty/threaten to leave the relationship when I went away with friends/nights out/day trips
– became financially dependent on me & would make me feel bad if I didn’t give him what he wanted (take-aways, Christmas spending money) despite him not looking for work
– making me feel like I had to please him sexually before I left for a night out (getting his privates out, gesturing towards me, going in a mood/making me feel guilty if I didn’t do anything)
– because of this, I frequently left social events early/didn’t see friends and family as much due to fear of his mood when I returned
– leaving the house deliberately not telling me where he was as he knew I would worry
– threatening to leave whilst I was at work

I’m struggling to come to terms with all of it & despite being in a loving relationship now, this makes it hard to believe I ever let this happen to me. I’m so upset with myself.

Thanks, sorry for the long post. X

[Lisa]

Hi confusedaboutit,

I’m glad to hear how you have managed to end what was obviously an abusive/coercive relationship. It’s also wonderful to learn you are presently in a loving, stable one.

The examples of your ex’s behaviour certainly describe various types of domestic abuse; emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual. Know that it’s completely understandable that as you are able to start processing what truly happened (rather than be in ‘survival mode’), your struggling with various strong emotions. Know also that no one ‘lets’ abuse happen to them. What you went through was all to do about him and his coercion and manipulation. As the non-abusive partner, you trusted him.

Perhaps it would be helpful speaking to some professionals that specialise in providing emotional support around the impact of a survivor’s experience – either while in or out of the relationship. You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at https://bloom.chayn.co/. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Also, The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

Your local domestic abuse service may offer support groups you can join or one to one support.

I’m sure you will soon find that many women on this forum have experienced similar and relate to how you feel too.

All the best,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Conmfusedaboutit

Your username is such a common way to feel about abuse, for exactly the reason that he will manipulate and gaslight, and blame you for his awful behaviours to you. He will try to deny the exsitence of abuse because then he will be held accountable.

Whats he’s done is not a way to love someone, all it shows is hate and contempt for a partner.

Please know that what you experienced is the truth, and noone can deny it …anyone can try, but that doesn’t alter your experience, your truth remains, unchanged. It was still the same experience and thank goodness you got away and have now found a loving relationship.

It will take time to understand all that you went through, and come to terms with its effects on you, allow yourself this time, be gentle on you, and make a point to do some good things for you to balance with some positives and make you feel good.

Its a big step to write it, and I hope you feel all the better for getting it out, do this in your own way and in your own time, we will be here, and reading others’ posts will increase your understanding of how this is something he controlled, not something you ‘let him’ do, as when abused your choices are removed, and you don’t get autonomy, you are manipulated and told how it is, which can scramble your brain.

Get strong boundaries and recognise when your body tells you something doesn’t feel right, and defend that feeling to protect yourself. As already suggested, the Freedom Programme should help you immensely with understanding abuse, and strengthening boundaries that were erorded during abuse. do keep posting for anything further you need or want to talk about.

warmest wishes

ts

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