Struggling with sleep

[Ruby Ocean]

Hello everyone!

(Detail removed by moderator) ago I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship. Since leaving this relationship I have gone through waves of complete denial, depression, anxiety and flashbacks but each year I have found it particularly difficult when it comes up to the month of the last time I saw my ex.

I started CBT during lockdown which was arranged through my GP and I would urge anyone who is considering it to give it a go. It has really helped me through the day massively and I am no longer apprehensive or scared to go to places that remind me of him or go back to doing old hobbies that I loved but was once told I wasn’t allowed to do. However the night is still just as bad. I am finding it extremely difficult to fall asleep as I am scared that once I sleep I will get flashbacks or have nightmares that feel so real. I’ve tried sleeping tablets, teas, grounding techniques, meditation, baths before bed and putting my phone in another room but wondered if there is anything else anyone could recommend?!

For a very long time I always blamed myself for not leaving the relationship but since starting CBT I now see it from a completely different perspective in terms of the physical abuse. However, I still find it very difficult to ‘accept’ the sexual abuse. Until very recently I would not have deemed the sexual abuse as rape. As I believed that being a relationship constituted as consent. When my ex was physically abusive, I would sometimes try and stop him or plead with him but when he sexually abused me, I always went numb and didn’t say a word. On one occasion, he raped me whilst he believed I was asleep. (Detail removed by moderator), I was hospitalised which made me strangely relieved that people would believe me as they could physically see my injuries giving me the courage to leave. My ex was a very charming confident man and even when (detail removed by moderator). Sorry I’m not sure whether I am going with this but just wanted to give some context and see whether there are other people that also felt to blame following the abuse?

Thank you so so much for your time if you had chance to read this and I would really appreciate any recommendations to help me sleep.

I hope you all find happiness and peace. Lots of love, Ruby Ocean X

[fizzylem]

Hi RO, sounds like you are doing all the recommended things to help aid a better nights sleep, so keep going with these. The only thing I would add to your list is are you getting enough exercise in the day? I find when I have I get a good nights sleep and I am gone when my head hits the pillow.

Glad your therapy helped, has this ended now? Only thinking it seems that a big part of the problem is how you feel in your waking hours, perhaps if you can process a bit more in therapy and thus feel better you will then feel able to sleep?

What happened sounds horrendous; there is an association there for you isn’t there with sleep and the rape, you were completely vulnerble when asleep – we all are. Sounds like what happened has robbed you of sleep doesn’t it, when I go to bed I feel cosy, warm, wrapped up and at peace, but this is very different for you isn’t it, so how do you get to feeling more this way when in bed at night?

Try to tell yourself that was then this is now – over and over if you have to, to ground yourself. I think if you could feel safer in the world, know this will not happen to you ever again then you would enjoy sleep and get from it what you need. Maybe workout how to do these things first? x

[Ruby Ocean]

Hello! Thank you so much for your response. Yes, there is definitely a feeling of vulnerability and fear when sleeping. I go to the gym quite actively, this is one of my hobbies that I have now picked back up and it does help me get to sleep on days I go to the gym but doesn’t help with the nightmares which normally wake me up after an hour or two. I’m coming to the end of therapy but I agree. I will definitely work on that. Thank you so much for your advice, really appreciate it. Hope you are doing well, sending positivity your way X

[hop]

Hey rubyocean
I struggle in many if the ways you have said and still I have trouble sleeping because if nightmares. I remember everything and I when I wake up it’s like having another terrible life at night. I find that sleeping pills make me tireder because I fight against them so I’m still dreaming. Have you heard of emdr therapy? Having that and talking about what’s in the dreams is the only thing that’s ever helped me. It’s so hard to do it because the dreams are stuff that’s really happened to me so it was a huge hurdle but definitely worth it. It’s really hard to accept what these men have done are terrible crimes. But they are and none if it is your fault 💙

[Author]

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