Struggling with the aftermath…

[Fruitloops1234]

Hi,

I’m really struggling with life after leaving my abusive ex. It started about (detail removed by moderator) into our relationship last (detail removed by moderator) and from then on once a month up until (detail removed by moderator) just gone when I managed to leave. We were living together working together and the abuse got worse and worse as the months progressed. It took me fearing for my life as he tried to kill me on Christmas Day twice to leave the next morning when he had calmed down. I struggle to admit that I’ve been through anything and in my head I don’t feel like I’ve been through abuse. I still struggle to understand why and accept it, and still make excuses for him in my head and see the good in him about why I loved him and play back our happy memories. It was like I was dating two people and someone would possess him.

I had a very close friend who I (detail removed by moderator) and since leaving my ex he helped me so much I could never thank him. We started dating quite soon after I left my ex, he makes me very happy but I find myself snapping at him constantly I will wake up and he doesn’t have to do anything and I’ll be annoyed. I’m worried I rushed myself but I don’t think I can be alone and I can’t let something good go. I don’t think I can accept being treated right, because of what I was used to for so long. I’m scared I’m hurting him but he tells me he will wait and do whatever he can to help me. I just find myself pushing him away and I’m scared of losing something I’ve been wanting for so long.

[fizzylem]

Hey FL good to hear from you again. He sounds like a kind, respectful man? Its great you’ve noticed how you are feeling, sounds like it needs some unpacking more so in therapy to me. It was quick wasn’t it, and you can see here that you have your fingers crossed it will be ok, rather than feeling I know and love this man fully and we’re together for the right reasons – after much time spent together before making a new committment. You’re in a vulnerable situation now, hoping it will be ok, that it turns out he continues to be a good man.

You’re self sabotaging here aren’t you, maybe do some reading around this? I’d maybe try and practice not kicking him as well, taking yourself off to be alone or having a chat with a friend or using one of the helplines would probably be better, to protect this relationship.

If you keep kicking it and pushing him away he will get fed up at some point, its not really fair is it either. You also wouldn’t want to be treated this way hey – it kind of sends the message its ok for ‘us’ to communicate in this way – or rather not communicate, because this isn’t really healthy communicating is it.

At the moment he’s hoping you’ll get through this, that it will change when you recover – you too I imagine; so focus your efforts on recovery.

This fear of being alone also needs to be worked on, so you feel strong and independant, not in need of any man, more that you like the one you have around.

Gosh I feel like I may be percieved as being harsh and unsympathetic now I’ve read this back, when this is not the case at all, I feel only concern for you, it’s more I recognise your sticky situation and I’m trying to offer you somthing that may be of some use in my reply, maybe give you something to work with.

Be kind to yourself FL always – and to others x

[bravelassie]

i am reading you and a lot of it i do understand.
My 1st partner of (detail removed by moderator) years, alcoholic-drug addict-gambler used to beat me up black and blue and after (detail removed by moderator) years when i finally gathered the courage to live him i did only to run into another abussers arms.not physical this time, but sexual and mental and financial. Everyday, everything reminds me of all of this and when i happen to meet a gentleman because i aint used to it i happen to snap or bite.And i regret it. But its not easy and although i am trying to remind myself to give life a chance, i know that my brain has been bounced about, abused over and over and over, over the years that its not gonna be easy to forget.Hopefully time is a healer, years will be a healer.
Big hugsxxxxxxx

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