Struggling…silent treatment

[soconfused2]

Really struggling today. Going through a divorce. Still in the same house for now.

I’m barely coping at home where he has ignored me for a year. Won’t even talk to me or look at me even in front of our primary age children.

I filed for divorce because of his stonewalling/silent treatment/being blamed/being told I was an abuser etc, so I guess it’s understandable that he’s mad at me for giving up, but I never thought it would end up like this.

I’ve asked what I need to do for him to speak to me, offered to go to counselling, but had no response.

I feel so tired and broken. I look around and I don’t see anyone else being treated like this so I wonder if I must deserve it.

Not really sure what the point of this post is but I needed to say this somewhere.

[nbumblebee]

My husband is nasty. He says and does some pretty horrible things but to me the worst out of all he does is ignore me for days on end. I follow him around like a lost puppy asking what I can do.
Often for me sex is the only way out. So you see its another way they get to is another way to punish us to get what they want.
Its horrible I know I really do I hate it so so much but you need to understand he knows exactly what he is doing and its working. As hard as it is dont let it. I dont know how I am hoping one of the more clever braver women on here will come along and help you as Im still in it so have no clue what or how we deal with it but I do know he does it to push hou to press your buttons to hurt degrade and upset you. Somehow we gotta be stronger again and not allow it. Stay strong xxxx

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, I did months of this and it’s awful. Best solution I found (and probably the hardest to convince yourself to do) is to not let it get to you, at least not let it show. Don’t ask him what to do, or beg him to talk to you. Do you! I used to try asking mine questions about the kids and if he didn’t reply, I’d say ok then and walk away – at least I knew I’d asked. It’s a cruel way to live and has turned your home into a war zone but he’s choosing to do it, he’s choosing to make everyone uncomfortable and he’s goading a reaction. You’re so strong for being there, don’t forget that x

[Hiya@]

Yep the silent treatment is nasty, I hated it I really truly did and it would just come out of nowhere or some perceived wrong that I had done him. I learnt to pretty much ignore him be bright and breezy then just get on with whatever I was doing. It’s not easy and I have become very ok with my own company because I didn’t have an option. I felt silenced myself on many occasions and would just withdraw, actually remove myself from him . Obviously this is with years of practice making living with an abuser manageable and it’s half a life at best.
If you do need to communicate with this sort of partner, and sometimes if it’s about important stuff like children you could write an email, send a text , put a notice board up in your kitchen. Yes it sounds silly and dramatic but at least they can’t say you didn’t tell them and use it as another thing to blame you for.
Stay Strong xx

[Sungirl]

Focus on yourself and what you need to do and get done for you and the kids. Try and spend a little time doing something you enjoy, I often leave the house and do a 20 minute walk, listen to music or a podcast. The silent treatment is so painful and I have spent so long trying to discuss and resolve things. With my husband though we just end up going round in circles having the same argument as he just wants it his way and I’m always wrong. Focus on yourself, build yourself up and try and forget about what he’s doing .

[Darknessallaround]

Silent treatment feels like one of the worst psychological punishments, because usually we have no idea what we ‘did wrong’, and have to guess / beg / plead in order to try and put things right again. Except there is no putting things right. The rules change and the goalposts move and we have no idea how, when or why. Usually it’s ‘just because’.

Although difficult to implement at first, one of the reasonably effective ways of dealing with it is not to engage with their mind games. Easier said than done I know. Try to think of the silent time as me-time. Do stuff just for you if you can. After all, if he isn’t speaking to you, he can hardly object to whatever it is you are focusing your attention on.

[soconfused2]

Thank you so much for the support. I’m struggling so much. Someone I told about the silent treatment said “Well, you’re divorcing him, what do you expect?” Someone else suggested that it was fair enough because his view is I’m abusive. I’ve also heard that I should be grateful because it’s better than shouting.

But surely it’s not ok. Surely healthy people try their best to be civil for the kids. I don’t mean being best friends, just not ignoring someone completely in front of the kids.

I feel so invalidated. I got advice about an occupation order and basically got told his behaviour wasn’t bad enough. But then Women’s Aid say he’s been emotionally abusive.

This is so hard.

[Bananaboat]

Those ‘people’ are not your friends or allies, or to be kinder – they just can’t relate. It’s easy for comments like that to let doubts creep in but I’m assuming those people have been lucky and never experienced abuse. So they’re not comparing anything they’d do/experience to your situation. This isn’t moody / you’ve upset me type silence, and the adult will break through the inner child tantrum in a few days – you’re living in a battle ground where the silence is cruel, calculated and used to control you. I had people make similar comments before we split, now those same people have either ghosted me (good riddance) or have changed tact and can’t believe I didn’t leave sooner. x

[nbumblebee]

I have similar with friends too. We have mutual friends and Ive tried so hard to talk to them but i cant seem to find the words but I know they have seen his behaviour and all they say is that ive put up with it for this long i should just carry on putting up with it. Im too old to start again.
I dont blame them i cant explain and they dont understand unless youve lived it I really dont think anyone will understand so dont blame these friends of yours it isnt their fault but know that they are wrong. Keep trusting yourself keep believeing in yourself keep doing whats right for you xxxx

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