Stuck.

[Happyskies]

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling a bit with moving on mentally. It’s years now since it’s over but something happened in work recently that brought it all back. I also got a friend request on social media from my (detail removed by moderator) boyfriend.

At the time, i felt my (detail removed by moderator) boyfriend pushed me into a lot of things before i wanted to, he took money from me and said it was ours, along with a good few other things that i ended up feeling quite worthless from
i think it set the scene for the really bad stuff i ended up around years later.

I’m a bit shaken by it. It’s just a social media which invite that was probably sent without much thought, but it makes me wonder what sort of end to the relationship he thinks it was … Why would I want to be in touch?

It’s also making me doubt myself. I’m wondering if i expect too much from people.. I’ve definitely grown into someone who sees the worst in others so i wonder if i just read things in a more negative way than i needed to?

Over the past few years I’ve really struggled with controlling my mind. I daydream, imagine conversations, act out conversations aloud, ruminate and rehash things. I really wonder if I’m just delusional.

It’s really stopping me from getting on with my life. My partner puts up with it but it affects my relationships. I’ve also almost totally cut myself off from people and it’s nervewracking to think about socialising with new people because I know i have these really odd ticks.

If anyone can help with any information on what i can do to make some changes to how i 🤔 ni, I’d really appreciate it.

[Lisa]

Hi Happyskies

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling, having the friend request must have been very triggering, and brought back a lot of feelings which is understandable. You are not reading things wrong, what you experienced was domestic abuse and his behaviour was not acceptable.

It must be really difficult for you as this is stopping you from moving forward, and you deserve to be happy. Have you had much support at all? You could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service to see if they offer any counselling, you can find their details here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Happyskies]

Thanks Lisa. I’ve had lots of support and I’m so grateful. I don’t know what’s best to do at the moment. It’s been such a long time now i feel i should be over it but I’m not. I think about it at the back of my mind all the time. Mostly it’s feeling embarrassed at work all day or going into fight or flight for normal things which is embarrassing too.

Counseling sometimes brings up feelings so i don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I have to stop looking back and be in the now at some point or it’s just going to swallow up the next few years too. I don’t know what to do!

[KIP.]

Hi there. I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and what you describe is really close to the things I felt. Have you read Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. I’d highly recommend it. Unresolved trauma sits underneath and comes back to bite us so I’d recommend sticking in with good counselling to deal with these unresolved feelings. It’s better to bring these feelings up in counselling and deal with them through EMDR or similar than have them hold you back. Be kind to yourself. Practice mindfulness. Read about the effects of abuse. It helped me to educate myself. I also reported my ex to the police and it gave me a certain amount of closure x

[Happyskies]

Thanks KIp, that’s really helpful. I’ll definitely try that x

[Cyberblonde]

Just to reassure you

I also run scenarios through my head continually.

What will I say, what should I have said, what might he do.

It is exhausting and I just want to stop.

I remind myself he has no power over me anymore.

Watch Labyrinth The goblin King is the typical coercive control figure.

[Happyskies]

Thanks cyber blonde. That’s really reassuring to know. I’ll watch it… I’ve almost finished the book KIP suggested and it’s really helped. I’d definitely recommend it.

[KIP.]

Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft are both good books that explain the dynamics of an abuser. I know you’re not together any more but it helped me to understand their mentality. I was shocked at how many traits are so common amongst abusers. Living with the Dominator could have been written about my ex. There’s also the Freedom Programme that you might want to do. And I believe there is also a programme about healing from the abuse and perhaps your local women’s aid could discuss that with you.

[Author]

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