Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Pears2021]

Hi,
I’ve recently left him after lots of control, threats, and violence. (detail removed by moderator). But the thing is, I’m really struggling here. I know you might think that surely the main thing is that I’m safe, but the way things are here are tempting me so much to go back to him.
I’ve had housing issues for years, that have never been dealt with, I’ve not known how to. Basically since my (detail removed by moderator), I was in relationships where I ended up moving back to (detail removed by moderator). I have repeatedly asked, even begged, her to help me sort out some housing for myself. She doesn’t understand why. She thinks it’s okay for me to live with her forever. I am a grown woman. I am now (detail removed by moderator) and still have gotten nowhere. She rents from the council. One time, I went to put myself on the council list, but because she hadn’t told them I was here (they know now), I couldn’t. There’s also the problem of a guarantor, references, etc if I went private, which I just don’t have. It makes no difference whether I’ve been working part time, full time, or not at all. I am trapped.
I deserve a place of my own. A say over where I live. I’ve been back about a week or so. I’ve been ‘in trouble’ for the most silly things. Like if I’ve literally just got in the house and put my (detail removed by moderator) whilst I take my shoes off. Or leave some (detail removed by moderator). I pointed out that I’ve just moved from a house into a box room- where am I expected to put my things? I haven’t brought furniture or anything like that. I literally had a (detail removed by moderator). And then when I left it on the side for a few minutes after I’d used it, I heard comments about it, and it was moved. My glasses have been missing for days now. Anything I put down will go missing, often never to be seen again. I’m having to store my food in my bedroom because there is no room in the kitchen, and the one thing I did leave down there I’ve just had to search for because it was moved. I’m not an untidy person at all. I’m not leaving stuff all over the place or anything like that. I bought some (detail removed by moderator) today & had to take them straight upstairs and hide them in my room. She makes it very clear that this is HER home, what she says goes, etc, yet never wants me to leave?!
I feel very controlled and trapped. Last (detail removed by moderator), she called the Police and told them he’d attacked me. There had been no attack. But she would not listen. She then whisked me away to ‘safety’. I only went so I could try to talk some sense into her. But she would not listen. I had to phone the Police myself and explain to them there had been no attack, and why was I miles away from home during a pandemic. This was after refusing to see her and staying in a B&B for about a week, and barely eating & vomitting due to all the stress. Yup.
Times when I’ve tried to express how much I want to leave and go into a refuge, my family have discouraged me from doing so. Yet say he is extremely dangerous. At the time I was living in a flat with a family member & it would have affected their tenancy if I left, so I thought that’s why they didn’t want me to go. But they’re still discouraging me. If I went into a refuge, surely they’d help me with my housing problems once and for all?
The other day, he showed up, trying to talk to me. I didn’t want to talk. I told my family to just ignore him, ignore the door. But no, she had to start shouting & swearing at him through the door. And turned to me and said ‘stay’, like I’m a dog. I feel like a little girl who has do as she’s told.
It’s all making me so frustrated. I don’t know where to turn. I’m on (detail removed by moderator) and a housing association but I’m just not sure how to do my details and everything. I emailed the housing association for help, but no response.
I know that the domestic violence from my partner seems like it should be the main issue, and it is right now. But I do feel that I end up rushing in relationships, and move in with them way before I should- not because I want to as such, but as an escape from things here. I’ve only mentioned a few things on here, so I probably seem really petty, but it’s not to me. These things every day are really getting to me. There is a history of a lot of problems between me and my Mum, including a lot of nasty, extremely hurtful comments that I’ve never forgotten. Being here is causing me resentment and the friction is developing now.

[Pears2021]

I’ve just had comments because I (detail removed by moderator). I just heard her shouting & swearing & slamming it shut. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, much like with him.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Pear, welcome to the forum 😊

Really well done on leaving your abusive relationship, that took alot of courage. What a shame for you that it sounds like an “out of the frying pan, into the fire” situation. People often talk about women marrying men like their fathers, but we are just as likely to marry men like our mothers. Or wind up in relationships with them. Our brains crave what is familiar to us, so even if that is control and abuse, that is what we will seek out.

Have you reached out to womens aid for support? If you could access the Freedom Programme it is an amazing resource. You might want to consider counselling too and they could direct you to local services, your GP would be a good contact too. You are an adult and you do not need your mothers help or permission to seek out your own housing. Going to a refuge sounds like a solid plan. You dont need your family’s permission or approval to go. Womens aid could advise you about that too. Keep reaching out here too.

Sending strength x

[Justice Candle]

Hi there! I can hear that you are overwhelmed at times and that you experience similarities in relationships. Know that you will find your strength and don’t make yourself feel wrong about not knowing what to do some times: this is perfectly normal. Acknowledge even little things about yourself that you did well- give yourself what others have not given to you: you know yourself best and know what you need. Little steps are fine – that is how we learn to walk too. I had to rebuild myself too and fell often. You learn to fall less deep and get up faster. Trust yourself, trust your strength, trust your resilience, know that you can do this!

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