26th May 2022 at 9:27 pm #144373CuriousBParticipant
I’ve just about emotionally levelled out after taking space and leaving (detail removed by moderator) for some time and I still can’t seem to process what happened. It doesn’t quite feel real. I feel numb and exhausted and feels like a mountain ahead of me to build myself up again.
I want to try and accept what happened, my choice to stay for so long and who he really is. I still need to go back to move my furniture so have to stay amicable for now and he’s pushing my boundaries already… I feel like staying amicable with him whilst I’m trying to process the abuse in the relationship feels like I’m living two lives. I somehow feel like I need to protect him from feeling like he was abusive (he often tells me he’s suicidal and how bad he feels about himself). But I feel like I’m not letting myself live out the reality of the situation.
I don’t want to stay in touch with him when I’m being honest… but i feel guilty for cutting him off even after everything… he’s recently had two friends who have cut contact with him and he keeps telling me how lonely he is.
In my right mind I know it’s manipulative of him to come to me for support – but genuinely know he’s having a bad time and doesn’t manage it well. If he did something stupid I’d feel awful
Anyone else experiencing this? Got any tips other than the obvious “cut him off”
28th May 2022 at 9:30 am #144416LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post. I can hear how conflicted you’re feeling in terms of the responsibility you feel towards your ex verses what you want, or feel is best for you/your mental health.
You are right, this guilt he is making you feel is manipulation. You have made the decision to leave due to his behaviour, which he is responsible for. The fact that many abusers refuse to acknowledge the damage they have caused or accept fault or accountability for the abuse, leaves us holding and not knowing what to do with it. We are often blamed for their behaviour or told it’s our fault so we take on the blame that actually belongs to them.
If you are able to shift the responsibility back onto him it may help in letting go of some of the obligation you feel for looking after his feelings, would he look after yours if things were reversed? Now is time to start prioritising yourself – he isn’t your responsibility.
Take care and keep posting,
31st May 2022 at 7:45 am #144540Love18Participant
I don’t live any more , no friends, no family, I don’t go out only to by food and sit in this house like a zombie with no energy, my thoughts are all ptsd , Don’t want anything great , just to be able to work again , have close colleagues, and be able to financially and physically care for myself, but it’s not happening or going to , it takes me months to learn even one simple life skill
31st May 2022 at 2:58 pm #144550LisaMain Moderator
I’m glad you’ve felt able to post. Life sounds really tough for you. I’m wondering if you’ve been able to get any local support, such as a GP or your local domestic abuse service? You could talk to either of these about accessing some counselling to help you with your PTSD.
You could also consider attending a Freedom Programme near you which can help with processing your experiences and if it’s in person might be able to connect you with other women who understand what it’s like to go through domestic abuse.
If you feel up to starting a new topic to tell us more about your situation we can help where we can.
31st May 2022 at 9:40 am #144545HereforhelpParticipant
Curious, the threats of suicide are all part of the abuse. Any relationship breakdown is upsetting, the threats of suicide is what a lot of these men do. Mine told me he was suicidal (we broke up after decades of marriage) I phoned the police and asked them to do a welfare check on my husband and suddenly he no longer felt suicidal.
The guilt you are feeling is part of the cycle of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) it’s worth googling as you may find some tips/tools to help your through this. They keep us in the cycle to confuse us, manipulate us into caretaking them and looking after their needs first. These men put their needs above everyone else’s needs as they are the most important person in their lives.
I found going grey rock helped me when my husband started behaving similar to how you have described your partners behaviour. I stopped showing interest whenever he started to try and tell me how depressed or whatever he was saying to me I would change the subject.
You loved him and were bonded to him, now you recognise the abuse. Your partner will try to hook you by saying anything to get to you. You sound very caring and kind however you are absolutely 💯 not responsible for him or his feelings or his life. The friends who no longer want him in their life is nothing to do with you, he will tell you every woe he has in his life to keep you emotionally tied to him and these men often make s**t up. If he did do anything to hurt himself (which I very much doubt) you still wouldn’t be responsible for his actions as what’s the alternative 🤔 to stay with him or do as he wants to ensure he doesn’t get too upset and hurt himself… that’s way too much pressure on you lovely x
Put your time and effort into your wellbeing, your future. He is a adult who can look after himself and if he is truly struggling then I would advise a welfare check as this stops the suicide talk or if genuine health professionalswould step in and help him. keep pushing forward as it does get easier ❤ keep posting
31st May 2022 at 1:58 pm #144549
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