Stuck, not moving forward

[Houndgirl]

I am new to the forum, my first day.
In a way I don’t feel worthy, feel I don’t deserve to join you guys. My ex walked out on me, and despite knowing that I was emotionally abused for (detail removed by Moderator) I didn’t want it to end. I was still thinking that the latest promise that he would stop hurting me would be the one that would ‘take’ and I would finally get my happy ever after. I’m finding it hard, almost impossible, to move on and still think that he will see the error of his abusive ways and come back to make it all better again. I’m not a stupid person usually but can’t seem to see what is right in front of my face – he’s gone and I’m waiting for something that will never happen. I don’t feel like I am living, I just exist. I go to work but feel too ashamed to admit my relationship is over, that I failed so I put on a ‘gameface’ and fake it. People who do know are avoiding me as I’m such an emotional mess and others think that I should be over it by now ((detail removed by Moderator) since he left) and have lost patience so I have pushed them away. The upshot is that I am so lonely and isolated and so every day I’m stuck, not living or moving forward.
I think I probably just deserve all this. I wasn’t wanted as a child, my mother always told me I was a mistake. My first boyfriend was violent and the one that has just left was only my second real relationship. I feel like this is just my lot in life – a punchbag, a doormat. I can’t see a point in going on when this is all life has in store for me. If it wasn’t for my dogs I wouldn’t be here today. I used to volunteer for (detail removed by Moderator) but he has now started doing this so I have had to give it up, my last escape, last lifeline. Does it ever get any better?

[Suntree]

Hi houndgirl

It took me a long time to realize I was in an abusive relationship. I was that lobster in a pot of slowly boiling water, but he would turn it down and up.
I had worked out how to survive and live with this man “for the sake of the children”. Not realising that he was also abusing them.

I was slowly isolated, sleep deprived and broken over and over again. He looked like the wonderful “father” and I was the unstable one. Even I bought into this as well.

The hold was so strong it was like those elephants who are only help by a bit of rope.

Don’t ever underestimate the mental control these people can put on you, that can be strongest than the strongest physical restraint known to anyone.

I also had the misconception that I wasn’t abused because the physical damage wasn’t enough, or I wasn’t told what to wear and I worked etc.
His control was greater than that.

My eyes were opened when I did the freedom program on line.

My eyes where also opened when I was told to go to Women’s Aid (I actually think the person was trying to call my bluff, but it was very good advice).

To cut a long story short, if things hadn’t turned out how they did, I don’t think I would have ever left on my own my circumstances became such I had to leave and then couldn’t go back. For I was told years ago by others to leave and I couldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Hi Houndgirl I too have pushed people away as they have been very judgemental and also did not have the patience or understanding of how awfully long term abuse effects you. Those who have not been there are not true friends at all. It’s really hard to accept but abusers brainwash others into believing them, sadly others do believe. I think it’s best to rebuild life from scratch, then comes our trust issues, how can we ever trust again xx

[Houndgirl]

But how do you rebuild from scratch when you don’t trust anyone. Add to that I haven’t told people at work because 1 a lot of them know him and would believe him and 2 I feel ashamed for failing. And I live in a small village so meeting new people is tricky. He took away my one hobby by joining the group himself after he walked out on me and, because they welcomed him, I don’t trust them ǹow anyway so no going back. It all seems so impossible at the moment

[ILoveMusic]

Hi Houndgirl,

I’m still living with my monster in charge and also live in a village…it definitely presents a different set of challenges primarily, everyone knows everyone’s business!! I would give my right leg to be in a position to walk away from here forever; He won’t go, no matter what. Even if by some miracle he did, as soon as I scraped enough cash to leave I’d be gone! The village mentality is a killer in this sort of situation, even if you haven’t said anything to anyone regarding your ex moving out you can bet your last $ people already know.

What is it you feel you have failed at? A relationship with an abuser? You’ve survived it Houndgirl, not failed at anything at all. He’s the failure here – failed to be a decent human being. As for trust, the one person you can trust in is YOU 🙂 The majority of people don’t want to hear when things are awful – because it’s NOT happening to them – people are selfish. Hard but true fact. I’ve turned my back on a lot of people, yes it’s lonely but I prefer to live with a modicum of truth. We’re vulnerable and happy to take a few crumbs from whatever table of kindness is thrown our way – I am slowly learning to accept nothing, it all comes with a price and my dignity remains, to a degree, intact.

I also don’t give a toss what people think. I am completely past caring about that. Why should I? People will always have opinions, let them. I have told numerous people I work with that I am counting days so I can up sticks and escape to pastures new..the men strangely supportive the women shockingly less so…again, I don’t care…I’m indifferent and it’s liberating 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi Houndgirl don’t wish him back, abuse always get worse, it is hard starting from scratch, I am there too. I think first we need to stabilise ourself, love ourselves & avoid getting into another relationship until we are alot more confident and I would definitely say read up as much as you can about abusive relationships, red flags and so you know exactly what to avoid in the future. I can relate to the feeling of rejection as was abused as a child, we don’t realise we do it, but we show mannerisms that an abuser easily picks up on. It took me years of being in a highly abusive relationship, having to escape, attending the freedom project, ending up with a major breakdown to put all the pieces together. I’ve had other major traumas too running alongside the abuse. I’m only just now feeling right I have to move forwards, I have to try to rebuild my life, I’ve been quite seriously ill with mental health problems & trauma recovery but know I have to try to move ahead. Slowly and with baby steps, Is there any confidence classes in your area? I am about to start an 8 week course that covers abuse & confidence building. I have gone out with friends to quiet places and it was daunting as my anxieties were sky high, I would also say avoid anyone who is negative towards you or anyone who isn’t patient & understanding. Just please don’t return to an abuser, I can 100% guarantee it always gets worse I lived in fear of his anger, manipulation and control & never did he make me feel anything other than worthless, no one should live in fear on any level. Only trust people who you know you can trust 100% xx

[Houndgirl]

Thank you everyone. My feelings of failure stem from me thinking I was worth being a better person for. Now I just feel worthless. I’ve never been my biggest fan and this has sent me to rock bottom. And I’m not good at being alone, when I’m alone I tend to attack myself, very self critical and paranoid. My dogs are my life but they can’t talk to me and explain to me why this has happened and no humans seem to want to do it either.

[Anonymous]

Your not worthless or useless, that’s How he has made you feel. I have never really had a lot of confidence and have always had a nervous disposition, I’m glad you have your dogs because even though that can’t talk back to you, they will be good company for you. Also calming to stroke & fuss them & go on walks with them. I’m trying really hard to change my mind set and it is really difficult,but I am going to fight this being really ill now and try to push myself into believing in myself again, I don’t want another relationship because he has scared me too much and I don’t want another man near me ever again. But I also know I deserve to be living not existing, drifting from day to day feeling scared and haunted by flashbacks of all he did. My first step is to try & trust new people, try to socialise in quiet places, my main aim is to be well enough to volunteer to help others who have been in the same hell place or are still in it. Then be well enough to work and be independent, then build up to have a as near normal life as I can. I’ve always loved being at home in the evenings, he stole all that joy. It’s just an idea but do you have any friends who are also single that you Could maybe ask round one evening and have a girly night, doing whatever it is you enjoy, maybe a glass of wine, a takeaway or watch a movie, play a board game. The loneliness is awful, feeling low, crying, feeling worthless is horrible too. What about a new hair do or new clothes, anything to make you smile again. I don’t have much money so I go to the charity shops. Also coming on here helps loads, chatting about our experiences, helping each other, it helps ease the isolation we feel. Xx

[Houndgirl]

Don’t really have any close friends, never found it easy to make them since I was a small child. Ironic really as I hate being alone!

[Serenity]

Hi Houndgirl,

When something like this happens to you, you really need to talk to those who understand.

Could you call your nearest Women’s Aid or your county’s domestic abuse outreach, and ask if there are any support groups or other forms of help and advice?

Just having someone listen who truly understands changes everything.

You might also consider attending a domestic abuse counsellor. Often, there are charities offering low-cost counselling.

I think I had always given other people too much credit. From childhood, and not given myself enough. I allowed my family to dominate and control me, but I put too much store by their opinions, so let them do it. It was like everyone else’s opinions felt more important than mine, and so doubted myself and the quality of my own thought.

Maybe that came from having a family where people were inflexible, and rather than listen to different opinions, preferred to try to coerce others to do things their way. My counsellor said to me that when I talked about my childhood, it was like I became list and invisible, and she couldn’t see me behind my description of the ideas and opinions of my family. That’s exactly how it was: I felt invisible. My ideas were pooh-poohed and I was just a people-pleaser, trying to calm everyone down. And I was the one who my dad took his frustration out on- probably because he thought I was the one who would tolerate it.

It has taken being virtually undone by my marriage – and experiencing the lack of support from some family members when I most needed it- to get to that point where I don’t want to be a people-pleased anymore. I am not there just to support my family, or put up with bad treatment from some of them; I’m not there to play second fiddle to anyone: I’m on this earth to be the real me and to live in truth, and not shy away from it or be scared to tell anyone what the truth is. The time for silence is over, and you mustn’t feel you’ve failed- as was said above, he has failed, not you. He’s failed to do what you’re meant to do in a relationship: love and care. Like all abusers, he was selfishly in it for himself.

My abuser left too, because I finally gave him an ultimatum. He doesn’t like anyone telling him no. Though I couldn’t stand being with him, I was bereft too when he went. I think this was a mixture of trauma-bonding and shock, and mourning for what could have been- plus I was sad that my children had lost the two parent family unit.

But as my counsellor said, I was mourning the ideal- not the reality. The reality was that I was living in a hellish world of all forms of abuse.

If you went to a counsellor, maybe (like mine did) they will take you back to your childhood and locate when and where you began to have negative feelings about your own worth, and they can help show you how your family’s behaviour was lacking, that it wasn’t a reflection of your worth. Your worth doesn’t depend on your ex’s deluded view or your family’s faulty behaviour.
You are worthy simply by virtue of being a human being- and I bet you’re a very lovely human being too!

With help, you can slowly heal. Animals are a great therapy: treasure your lovely pets. Begin to go things for yourself that are therapeutic.

Don’t feel ashamed of letting people know your relationship is over. The shame is all his. Maybe you could find another group to volunteer at. I’m sure he will show his true self to the other group in due course. Just sit back and wait for him to fall. x

[Author]

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