Stuck on what to do ….

[Imonlyhumaan]

So as many of you would know i have wrote on this forum many months back. i am still in the cycle of a toxic and domestic abuse which is hidden from every one and to the outisde it is a loving amazing relationship. Dont get me wrong between us there has been loads of love humour and exciting times but i cant get over the abuse which happened in past. Now it happens verbal arguments, comments and physical (rarely) but used to be alot.

Recently I sneakily went on his phone while he was away from it and i found he was on Tinder – recent match and message to a girl day before i was on it. His bio looking for long term and short term fun..

What should i do – he hides my phone cause he says it makes him feel better (there is defo trust issues as he thinks i will cheat and talk or look at other men)

 

im so stuck

[StrongLife]

Sorry this has happened.

I left when it was “the last straw “

I often consider if he was doing similar to what was online dating and convince there was 1 lady. Later on I realised.

The relationship I was in looked good from outside. I took too long waiting for “friends” to help me get out – should have been doing this myself. I needed friends at that time and it did not work out.

I know you will figure this all out.

 

 

[Imonlyhumaan]

thank you StrongLife for this reply.

I hope I can figure out soon as it is breaking me mentally. I get scared when I say enough is enough and I am crying but when I have opportunity to leave I get scared and talk my self out of it.

I just think he was cheated on before me and he is doing this on tinder? why ? I feel like am I not good enough.

He makes comments about me saying you dont love me, questions me about my love for him, my attraction for him. He dont trust me,.

I dont watch tv or go on my phone or have to keep my eyesight on floor if out as he thinks i will look and eye up men.

What have I done to deserve this?

[Bananaboat]

You don’t deserve this.

If he was cheated on in the past that is absolutely no justification for cheating on you now! It helped me to remember he’s chosen to create a Tinder account, chosen to actively use that account, he’s chosen to contact someone, chosen to answer each message, he’s choosing to hide it from you…etc. That’s a lot of choices and opportunities to stop.

like you I tried to ignore it/justify it, when I caught him red handed he gaslit me and blamed me for finding out, then blamed the other woman when that lie failed, then laid on ‘you’ll never forgive me, my life is over’ rubbish. And I took it all, telling myself but he loves me, I want to fight for our family, he had a rubbish childhood, just one more thing and then I’ll go (and that line just kept moving each time that next thing happened). Why do we stay? Look into trauma bonding & cognitive dissonance.

if you haven’t done so already, read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do this’. Really opened my eyes and helped on that journey to allowing yourself to let go step by step.

Remember too, they only choose strong women who can cope with their behaviour, and we’re kind hearted people who want to help / save others from pain. But that does not mean you deserve this pain! Absolutely not, and once the trust is gone it’s next to impossible to get back. Good luck, you’re stronger than you realise & have got this xx

[Imonlyhumaan]

thank you for this message bananaboat. i understand fully and will look into this.

i have seen his phone again- tinder has gone and another dating app appears and seen him messaging another girl and saying about meeting. but no more reply of when. but still acting like its only me saying he loves me but does this?

at start of relationship i deleted the app we met on but he reinstalled it on his phone. he is secretive and has never trusted me , should have noticed the red flags when he kept accusing me of cheating at start…

[Bananaboat]

Careful he’s not doing this so you will find out x

[Imonlyhumaan]

i know – its just hard sp hard xx

[Author]

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