Stupid stupid stupid

[ssid]

I have been reading a lot, and realising a lot and I feel so stupid.

I don’t understand why I didn’t work things out.

He hated me, its all I can think and I was so stupid to believe anything else.

We went through court and he wrote just pages and pages of how awful a person I am. He hated hated hated me, so what was he doing with me?

Why did he get sexually excited whenever after he’d got me to the point of scared and crying.

I just don’t know what to do with all this, or how to make it all be ok and over.

I said he should leave. I begged him to stop and it’s like I wasn’t even making a sound.

If he hated me why have sex with me, why hang around, why have children even though he sneered about me when I was pregnant.

I just don’t get it and feel so stupid.

[cassandra05]

ssid please do not call yourself stupid, did you not get enough of that from him and I am crying whilst typing this because this is exactly I how feel; every time I call myself stupid I hear and see him saying it. We are not stupid, we have had our thoughts spinning, looking in so many directions for a reason, for an excuse, for anything to explain their behavior away. They confuse, control coerce us so well, it is hardly surprising we never looked full on at them and this is their trick, their slight of hand so to say.

I would also like to thank you for waking me up to a connection I never truly made, but it is yet another reason why he made my skin crawl at times. OMG his sexual attraction to me would usually always follow after him abusing me, after he had scared me and had me spinning, crying and usually begging for forgiveness, since gas-lighting would always lead to it been my fault. I would catch him watching videos of women been punched, or on incel chat rooms. Oh and Aaso he quite often said he hated me. I still refuse to think I am stupid for this, I was in survival mode in a bubble of his creation that nothing existed outside of this it became my normal, frightening but not stupid.

I refuse to think of myself as being stupid even though I have only just made this connection. I truly hope that you you stop making such negative judgements about yourself too. Mine will not leave the house even after going around telling everyone he was the one that was abused, he keeps changing tactics so please keep your guard up, do not play into his games, yes or no answers to questions if you have to talk to him, do not get pulled in and keep safe. I picture mine as a blackhole standing there trying to suck everything that I am away from me, feeding off my energy, i.e. the pleasure of seeing me break. Like a blackhole he will never fill he will just take and take but only if we allow it. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but all together we will all get through this

Sending you a huge cuddle

[fizzylem]

Were they mysogynists? Only these men operate covertly to get their needs met – needs that can only be met by a woman and needs that cushion his life, someone to take care of all the mundane and grown up stuff, somewhere to sleep at night, turn up to dinner on the table and put clean clothes on – if they were mysogynists, meaning they see themselves as superior with different rules, then they know that the only way to get a woman is to fool her – and play the love game.

I’m sure he was very happy with you until you started questioning him, because it didn’t feel right or fair, that you wanted and needed more, or when you realised after a while he lied to you and that there was never really any real openess and intimacy. He was sexually attracted to you and because you were a kind and caring soul you made a great partner in his eyes, always there to attend to him – worked well for a while as you were happy to give – thats what we do in a relationship right? Until you realised you were getting nothing back in return bar abuse.

The hate is because they hate all women and they hate themeselves for needing one. If he spurted out hate in the court room this would have been picked up on – and viewed as irrational hate, let him carry on – it’s only him that looks appauling here.

He hates you since because he is not emotionally intelligent enough to recognise that he has reacted out of the pain of rejection and the humiliation he feels; you have left him so he will always be angry about this, he might claim otherwise, but this is where it started to get worse, the only thing that could have appeased him was for you to stay or for him to walk away with someone else – a new supply.

No one is good enough in these mens eyes, think back, people were either put on a pedestal or the s**m of the earth right? You were on the pedalstal one time, everyone always falls from here sooner or later.
He blamed everyone and everything – you are either with him or against him in his eyes – makes him incredibly difficult to deal with because to him you are the enemy now – there is no reasoning or being adult.

Best to walk away, all you can do is get protections in place with clear, firm boundaries and the law if needed; a barrier is needed – there can be no direct contact with these men – even when we do have children with them; then eventually, we become out of sight and out of mind – no fun anymore, no kicks because he cant access you, see your reaction or revel anymore in the pain and distress he is causing you – once we put these protections and distance in place we’re also saying I no longer need you in my life, you are not worth knowing or speaking to, I no longer care about you, I’m free now and walking way, you can think and do what you like it wont effect me – then we are safe and if he’s the same with his kids they will also opt out as soon as they can x

[ssid]

I thank you both so much for replying and I am so sorry for it making you cry cassandra.

I don’t think you are stupid, I only know me and can’t get through my head why I couldn’t see what was happening.

I wrote what happened and was given protection but then I wasn’t believed about what happened.

There is nothing I can do and I see history repeating as he goes to a new family and starts tye badmouthing all over again, iwould think not to her, but certainly to others, again that somehow its her fault for getting pregnant, that its stupid and ridiculous. Maybe she knows he feels like this idk. Who cares, but its another poor little baby at risk from him.

It is some validation for me that he is repeating this but not the way I’d want it because of another innocent lifr caught up in it.

Its hard to truly ever escape whilst there are children isntit fizzylem. I have found tracking aoftware and my car has been repeatedly damaged it could be other randoms though couldn’t it.

[fizzylem]

No its him. It takes time but you can get free of them eventually – as soon as the kids opt out or if he over steps the line and childrens services see what is happening. Third party handovers and comms are also essential. Your power is the relationship with your child/children – help them through it with him and eventually they come to see you are always there and fully supportive and he simply cant give them what they need or worse xx

[cassandra05]

No worries ssid for making me cry, you did not make me cry, it is his behavior that put me here in the first place. As I said you opened my eyes to a connection between violence and sex I knew was happening, but yet, it was as if I was not truly ready to be aware of it. Again thank you for that.

We all/most I take it, had what you describe as a thick head at some time or another, otherwise we would have run for the hills at the first sign of their behavior. That is not stupid.

I am lucky I have no children with mine (incredibly sad I do not have children). You are so fortunate and should cherish every moment you have with them. He is his own beast and it is very sad he will continue to hurt and destroy others but your focus now should be building a safe and nurturing world of your own. We all only have one childhood, please try and be the best mum you can be, in the end that will always win out. X

[ssid]

Cassandro I am sorry thats been happening to you too. Its so grim isnt it. I cant get my head around who someone is that can be sexually excited when their partner is crying. I cant square it at all with the person who carries on in society as a normal person, more than that actually someone who tells people how principled and easygoing they are.

Its part of abuse isn’t it to cause this level of confusion in the abused. It must be, so it would be huge confusion rather than stupid?

Huge unbelievable realisation. Maybe that better says it. Shock and difficulty in believing someone can do this can be this way can do things when the way they speak tells you something else.

I am rambling sorry.

I just cant seem to make sense of it all, and i really need to. The other alternative is that i was /am that awful person he trashed to the judge and that i drove him to react to me that way

What about the children though. What did they do, what was their fault other than just being children.

I have fought hard and long for my children as he is determined they will stop seeing me (they havent yet) but it s a never ending game for him always another tactic and manipulation to divide us. If i still dont understand it as an adult how are they to? They are not worldly wise yet and function on duty to him (because he will not have it otherwise?

I do love and treasure them and always,no matter what they do, i know that my love for them will never die even if i were to never see them again.

I am sorry you are so sad about not having children. Yoire definitely right about being lucky to not have had them with your abuser, as i think it must make permanent escape more likely. I can see how sad you would feel to not have any though. I dont quite know how i ended up pregnant to two abusers who were very controlling about not wanting children when i was actively using contraception. Some sort of ridiculous odds there that i would get pregnant anyway to both of them (years apart of course, different separate relationships). Then ridiculed for being pregnant

So why didnt he just leave when he was pushing for me to have abortions!

I need to stop but i am very grateful to here and the replies to have the opportunity to write (rant).

I really wish he would allow the children to opt fizzylem but its not an option. I can see him ouffing out his chest now and telling people how he will always be the hero and fight for his children and how sad he is that that have to suffer me and that i will lose them in the end and die alone of cancer.

Thing is as awful a person as i might be those are things i could never say to someone, even in hate. Maybe thats something wrong with me too.

[diymum@1]

I’m well out now so I’m looking at this hind sight but I think that’s valuable. Hope so 💕 for years probably 20! My mind set was I not pretty enough? Is it because I’m not educated? Is it because my childhood has made me so insecure and prone to wobbles. I need someone I’m needy? All these thoughts bounce off each other every single day of this years xx which makes me sad and I hear this echoed in your words xx now I do see what people talk about the FOG in abuse we don’t see at all what is going on here because we internalise xx I think this is natural but in essence it’s the wrong angle to look at this. Being turned on at some one in fear is in my opinion sadistic xx it’s wrong and he has no morals xx I’m looking at this from an outside perspective and also through the same experience xx it takes a lot of reading ‘knowledge is power’ and also getting safely away from these men to really see this is not you xxxx

[ssid]

I cannsee exactly what you are saying about internalising it Diymum, yes. Sorry that you are doing that, worrying its because of your looks or education.

Your right it isnt right, its tue wrong way to see it. Does this make you stop doing it?

Are you saying that you spent years thinking like that every day but don’t now? What was it that stopped it if so?

Everyone has some insecurities right? Like whether they are overweight or not good looking or whether theyre liked or say the wrong things. Dont we all have those things that make humans human, imperfections?

I am wishing I knew how to stop this daily circling like you have done? I do see these things he did as wrong but also have so many doubts.

Its helped alot to hear Cassandra say that happened to her and she sees its wrong.

They still seem like I was to blame for him doing that. All I want to do is get over this get passed it. I feel like I have got over so much bigger things in my life why not this I dont get it.

[diymum@1]

Hi 😊well like I say it took ages for the penny to drop for me xx my turning point was joining this forum. Getting to know the women some have become close to me xx our storeys are all the same so that gave me validation it wasn’t me xx I truly 100% know this is not your fault or mine xx in a ‘normal’ thinking mind if I came across someone insecure I would be kind to them not make them more insecure xx or if they felt bad about the way they looked I help them to boost their confidence etc educate them. I read why does he do that both books and that also gave me real wow moments x Lundy had written my life in a book and he explained why xx I also read the secret and I realised about belief which I’m always banging on about I’m sorry girls! I believe in doing things with great passion and also once we’ve learned through this experience we are the best people to help other women floundering xx we’ve been there we scraped our way out of that pit and found ourselves again xx so will you in educating yourself in how abuse works xx you’ll find it’s very samey behaviour and you’ll start to see it for what it is. Delusional people trying to wreck good peoples lives xx be adamant you won’t let this happen determination will see you through xx not sure if that helps hope so xx love and strength diymum 💕💕

[ssid]

Thank you diymum I do hear what you’re saying especially that you were in it for many years as it gives some hope maybe that it can be recovered from.

I receieved a gift the other day, immediately I was suspicious.

I understand that WA gift in a personal way to try to make a difference to the woman and show kindness, but others gifting me suddenly makes me feel like its manipulation.

When organisations treat you badly and services get withdrawn, its all feeling like abuse.

I just cant bear it. Having rape nightmares, dreaming my room has him in it. Him showing others how great he is, and me knowing that he’s qngry with me but not knowing why.

I’m not convinced that its possible for everyone to come back from this. When just getting a gift does this to me.

A knock on my door, I need to escape far away.

I will always be to blame and will always live in fear till he dies. I f*****g hate him and sick of crying and loving this way. Always on edge. Being targetted for abuse and no help.

Sorey to go on.

[Newbeginnings1234]

I feel exactly the same way, the way I was treated by different organisations felt like I was being abused all over again and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I also have nightmares about my ex and find it really difficult to get to sleep, while he seems to be having the time of his life and has made loads of new friends. He should have gone to prison for what he did to me but I’m the one serving the life sentence. I don’t feel any better than I did the day that I left and it’s been months now. I don’t really have any advice, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone x

[ssid]

You do? Thank you for sharing your storey too. I know that my anxiety and continual nightmares were yhrough the roof at first, and I still have them a lot but they’re not as utterly devastating as they were, some are, but not as frequently.

There is hope for you is what I’m saying, but I’m gutted for you that services have treated you so badly. It was improving but now I think it’s a lot worse.

The point is that men are perpetrating this and not being called to account by Social Services, who whilst thet might acknowledge abuse, they target the mothers to control the abuse?!?!? And the abuser???

How wide to miss the f*****g point by!!

Your ex, that should’ve gone to prison for what he did won’t change. You have a chance now that hes moved on
I realoy hope he has, but be sure to make sure ue has tovmove on and stay away as you never know when he might decide to come creeping back into your life.

He has to make sure he’s seen by the world as the success, the right one, the winner, the good guy with all the friends. He has an image to maintain so make him unimpeachable!

Take care

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thank you, yes, more training is definitely needed. I don’t have kids so I’ve never dealt with social services, it was domestic abuse services that were the problem, but from what I’ve heard social services aren’t much better. I hope things start to get better for you soon x

[ssid]

Oh thats hard when domestic abuse services are supposed to be the specialists thats the pits, im sorry. I’m not sure their any better where I am tbh.

I hope so too.

You are very early days out so it will be harder initially especially if you have been so recently let down too. Support is very poor generally but dont oet that stop you looking and trying hard to get it and the sooner the better. It can be all the difference.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Thanks, I’m starting a support group soon so hopefully that will help x

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