Subtle abuse or me oversensitive

[Put the kettle on]

I often ask myself is/was he abusive or am I just really oversensitive?

I ask myself am I the abuser? He says I made him angry and that’s why he did what he did.

I couldn’t express my emotions or opinions around him. They were wrong.

Just wondering if any of you ever have these thoughts and questions about yourself?

[Secretlife]

Hello Put the Kettle On

I often ask myself the same questions, but I know mthe answer really. You are not being oversensitive, he is making you feel that way. I get accused of being abusive to him and he likes to play the victim – you are not abusive, again he is manipulating you and twisting things to make it seem that way. And, he will have no regard for your thoughts, emotions, wants or needs. I am still stuck with my abuser but whilst planning my eventual escape, I find it does help me to accept the reality of exactly what he is like. I’ve read the book “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft and would highly recommend it. You can download it for free. This book changed my world and enabled me to understand the reality of emotional abuse. Sending love to you xx

[Shocknawe]

I feel exactly like you. I feel I might be the abuser, that I’m overreacting, that it wasn’t so bad… in those moments I remind myself that I’m healthy, all my other relationships whether with men or friends or family are healthy, that I felt what I felt and therefore seek therapy, that it was me the one who ended up in hospital with a (detail removed by moderator). But it’s hard- those thoughts keep coming back. I wish I could help, but I’m new here too and I have no answers x

[Eggshells]

This is so normal. I suspect most of us have felt like this at some point. If it helps at all, he expects you to feel like this, he has conditioned it into you.

I kept things that my ex wrote and recordings of things he said. I’m so pleased that I did because in those moments of self doubt I can read or listen and reassure myself that he was abusive.

If I remember correctly, your ex was violent? Mine was sexually violent and I know that I didn’t dream or imagine the attacks despite what he would have me think!

They do try it on and atm it’s even more confusing because he seems to be in a healthy relationship now.

Trust me, for all the appearances, he is not in a healthy relationship now. You will know exactly what is going on behind close doors, Don’t be fooled by what they are choosing to show the world. Your ex has a point to make to the world now, he needs everyone, including you, to believe that you were the problem, not him. But it will be a Titan effort for him and the cracks will already be showing behind the scenes.

If you didn’t keep a journal of abuse, perhaps look through some of your old posts where you describe his behaviour.

There is nothing he’d love more than to know that you are doubting yourself. It’s what they do and they are very, very skilled at it. It’s a trick, don’t fall for it! xx

[Littleflower]

Heyyy.
My situ is completely the same.
In my head I know iv done nothing wrong but he gaslights me that much I question myself.
🙁
X*x

[nbumblebee]

@putthekettleon
Every second of the day.
I often feel like its me im the abuser im the one making him do and say what he does. During good days especially i feel like i am in the wrong over thinking attention seeking. I go over and over arguments in my head to try and see if i am just being silly, i often drive myself mad. You are certainly not alone in your thoughts. My husband complains that ive changed and he doesnt like the new me he says im grumpy and i dont show him love because maybe ive started to see i dont know but he is twisting it all onto me now which im sure one of the clued up ladies on here will say is all part of their plan. Trust in yourself sweetie trust hour instincs believe in you x

[Anonymous]

I’ve started to ask myself the same question is it me that’s the abuser. I even rang the helpline and I even told them I’ve brought this all in myself . What do you do.

[Anonymous]

I class myself as the abuser because I’ve retaliated in arguments. All I wanted to do was stand up for what I thought was right . I probably know I was wrong to speak out and say what I was thinking . If I stay quiet from now on and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself I’m sure everything will be better.

[Eggshells]

Responding in arguments is not wrong, neither is expressing your own point of view. What’s wrong is his using it as an excuse to abuse.

Anger is not an unhealthy emotion. We all feel anger at times. Only abusers use your anger as an excuse to abuse.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your response but I’ve decided I’m going to blame myself from now on . I brought this on . I deserve everything I get. But thank you anyway

[Anonymous]

I’m definitely too oversensitive. It’s a fact . They broke the mould when they made me .

[Anonymous]

I’m making mountains out of mole hills . He’s not that bad despite being married (detail removed by moderator) before.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi stargazing, have you looked up gaslighting? It might give you more perspective. Most of us will have retaliated, answered back etc. We’re human, we have emotions. They get a kick out of pushing our limits then sitting back and watching what they’ve done, how they’ve made us respond. They learn and repeat.
Then they play the victim and act as though we’re the one with a problem. I wonder if the difference is we question ourselves, we challenge our own behaviour, we don’t want to be abusive and actively work on ourselves and our behaviour.
From my experience they keep you so on edge and in such a state of anxiety that it becomes little things that trigger us.
Why do you get all the blame and him none?

[Anonymous]

I’ve spoke to a lady today and it is him not me after all . I was solely convinced it was me . I do think gaslighting is happening. I’m so pleased to hear that its not my imagination after all . Sorry but thanks .

[Put the kettle on]

Glad you’ve managed to get some support.
Once you start to learn about abusers ways it’s surprising how much suddenly makes sense

[Eggshells]

Hi Stargazing1

I’m so pleased that you have been talking to someone who could help.

Abusers are expert at making you believe it’s all your fault. I think they must have a degree in it or something.

If you end up ever believing it’s you again (and you may well do) please remind yourself of what the lady said to you. It might be worth writing down some if the things she said so that you can remember them.

[Anonymous]

I’ve decided I want to apologise unreservedly. It’s difficult for me to say why but I felt I just needed to do this.

[Anonymous]

I sound like a complete idiot I know . The kind responses are lovely. But like I say I just wanted to apologise unreservedly.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi stargazing,
Do you mean apologize to the ladies on here or to your ex?
You have nothing to apologize for either way! Ladies on here often feel the same way, that’s why I initially asked to see if it was just me who felt like it. I find through discussing our experiences and feelings with others who have experienced similar situations helps to gain insight into things. So please don’t feel you have to apologize on here, you have simply expressed yourself, your feelings, your thoughts.
As for apologising to your ex, absolutely no reason you should! He was/is the abusive one and they make us feel like we’re the problem, it’s all part of their manipulative ways. You are not an idiot, you have been through a lot and need to prioritize yourself now and look after yourself to the best of your abilities. Healing is a slow journey, do don’t rush yourself and do keep reaching out

[Wants To Help]

Hi Put The Kettle On,

My abuser also told me that I was the one who made him behave like he did, and if I behaved differently then he wouldn’t have done x,y or z.

For example, on a night out, if I hadn’t spoken to the guy who was standing next to me at the bar he wouldn’t have gone in to a mood and then ignored me for the rest of the evening, thus resulting in a ruined night out. It was my fault the night was ruined.

He wouldn’t have punched a hole in the door if I hadn’t answered him back and ‘wound him up’ – but I was lucky it wasn’t my head.

He wouldn’t be in a mood if I had showed him some affection as soon as he walked in from work instead of being on the phone to my mum.

All of these things resulted in me being afraid to make polite conversation with strangers, afraid to stand up for myself, and afraid to be on the phone. I’d actually hang up the phone as soon as his car appeared on the drive and I’d rush to the sofa and sit there as if I’d been waiting for him.

I ended up on anti-depressants, and this suited his narrative, as the medication confirmed to him that I had some sort of ‘mental illness’ which explained my abusive behaviour, so if we did split up he’d end up with full custody of our child because I was mentally ill!

And round and round we went for years, until I finally upped and fled one day.

I watched a great video the other day by Matthew Hussey about toxic relationships. He described how in a toxic relationship the toxic person will approach a disagreement with a fight, where in a healthy relationship a disagreement is resolved in a problem solving approach. God, how that struck a chord with me. We never problem solved, we always fought – and he always had to win, he could never compromise.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi wants to help,
I agree that they get our mental health so bad then blame us for their behaviour. I can relate to a lot of your post, it’s like we’re describing the same person. Isn’t it strange how abusers are so similar!

[Anonymous]

Hi yes I was apologising to all the people on here. I suppose its because I feel guilty in a way for posting stuff but I feel a bit down so I just thought it was a good idea to apologise. Thank you Put the kettle on for your kind words. Thanks

[Put the kettle on]

Please try not to feel guilty for reaching out, that’s exactly what we’re all here for. To help each other and share our experiences.
Leaving an abusive relationship is a hard thing to do and staying away is just as hard. It’s completely normal to feel sad after a relationship had ended and I think I read somewhere that we experience something called trauma bonding, may be worth a search online about it.
Something else some find useful is journalling, write all your thoughts down in a notepad or whatever with no filters on your thoughts, just let them out.
Also, if it’s safe to, write a list of all the bad, cruel, things he did to you, only if you feel up to it though, and then when you miss him read it.
Remember, don’t ask why you stayed, ask why you left

[Anonymous]

I probably apologise more than I need too. I just wish I was more confident in myself. I am probably feeling down because I have not left yet . I will get there . Once again thank you.

[Put the kettle on]

I didn’t realise you haven’t left him, sorry. I don’t recommend journalling like I’ve said above as it may not be safe to do.
Please keep reaching out and speaking to the person you mentioned you spoke to on the phone who helped you get some understanding.
You are not alone, look after yourself and stay safe

[Author]

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