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Think of what he did to you. Do you still miss him then?
I felt such a relieve when I returned to the quiet flat after the police had arrested him when he launched his last assault.
I have never missed him since then.
My brain is still in overdrive from the abuse, the endless shouting, the swearing and humiliations.
I never wanted to see him ever again. The forced contact through the courts was hell. Looking at him made me sick. I looked at him and saw the impersonated devil. -
Dear Lostandbroken, (detail removed by moderator)There is so much information available, it goes right into detail about your psychology and his psychology at play during your relationship, splitting up and post split and why and how trauma bonding happens. (detail removed by moderator). I will send you a private message with the information that I have about it. I can assure you that I have felt like you are now. I split up from him around (detail removed by moderator) months ago & during this time I have had some moments of such deep pain, I would describe it as a massive hole in the middle of my chest as if the whole of my internal organs had been taken out & i was left with just a hollow body. It felt like he was my whole life and now he was gone my body was gone and I was just left with the empty shell. My brain could not understand it, my brain and mind had the same feeling of loss, with my brain it felt like a very close family member had died suddenly. These feelings that I had did not make sense to me as it were I who finished with him as i decided he was a c**p partner, I was sure and fine about that decision. I thought once that was done that would be fine and after a fear tears I would move on ok. No way, I had weeks and months of pure deep heartache and emotional pain. For someone who probably cheated on me, certainly lied, I suspect was a conman using me for money, ridiculed me, i could go on and on. But I want to tell you as the time goes on your feelings and coping strategies change. These days, although I post on here every day still, I feel 95% better than I did 8, 6 & 5 months ago. I feel pretty much fine now. There are some key things to reach this stage: Full 100% No Contact – NC covers a multitude of things which include avoiding all social media relating to him and anybody that he knows: Avoiding photos and old messages: Not contacting any of his associates: putting yourself in a position where you don’t accidentally see things associated with him. Giving yourself lots of time and TLC, patience and allowing yourself to feel your feelings using Distress Tolerance techniques: Reading and studying as much as you can about abuse and trauma bonding. X*X
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Yes you will be your old self again, it takes time, acceptance of what you are feeling & endless reading and researching of abuse. What will help you along tenfold is full No Contact. You might find that he tries to contact you either directly or indirectly, my advice is to prevent that from happening. Any form of contact will set you back hugely. Only the last few days I have started to remember things from before I met him, it made me feel good when I remembered those things. It was a reminder of nice things I had & also as if he had been erased & was unimportant. I dont know if you are strong enough to do this at the moment, but not so long ago I changed every single of one my contact details. I thought if he did contact me there was a chance I would be weak and get drawn in. I’ve now prevented that.
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I have taken the control. I do not know what he is doing or how he feels about me now, I suspect full discard without a second thought & moved onto the next one. That is his perogative. But at least I have not done what I would have done in the past & which would have hugely damaged my self worth. That is chase, beg and plead for him to want me. I have acted calmly and dignified and I am proud of myself for that. A graceful swan as many of the ladies say. X*X
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Lost and Broken,
I promise you that if you muster all your strength and get all the support you can, you will come out the other side.
I was a mess: I had brain fog, agoraphobia, panic attacks, and felt so much pain it’s impossible to describe.
A friend who had been through similar told me I would eventually be like a Phoenix rising from the ashes.
She was right: it hasn’t been a dramatic thing, though there have been days when I’ve been flooded with strength and new confidence. I’ve had setbacks too. But the seed of recovery has been slowly and gradually growing. I’ve found joy and freedom in small ways, and I’m slowly becoming stronger. It’s an uneven journey, but a progressive one. Sometimes it seems slow; sometimes it seems faster.
Please don’t try to deal with it alone. Get all the support you can.
I promise you will get better. I remember soon after he left letting out a primal scream, which is a scary phenomenon. It’s a sob that comes from your deepest core. Apparently you experience this with the most intense kind of grief. For months, I could not go to any large shops and was terrified by crowds. I’m now sat in a busy cafe in a large city, waiting for the start of a work conference with hundreds of people attending. I never, ever imagined I’d get back to this. But I got here by reaching out to lots of sources of support.
I promise you will be ok. 💛
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I have done full no contact since he was arrested a while back. It’s the occasional sighting of him, and the photo of them both together really set me back. I wiped out his number, photos and anything to do with him has been deleted and or thrown away.
I haven’t once pleaded or begged him to see me. It was the other way round before he was arrested, he did everything he possibly could to get to see me. Turn up at work, the home I was temporarily living, on the street.
It’s the discarded feeling that’s making me hurt so badly, how can someone put so much effort into being someone they are not. I’m struggling to adapt that my relationship was based on pretend love from him, even though everything I gave him and did for him was real love and care.
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It was a pretend love simply because they aren’t able to have an authentic relationship based on kindness- not because of any fault with you.
They only feel secure having a relationship where they refuse to allow honesty, genuine affection, warmth- things they see as weak or threatening to their power. They can only handle a relationship which circles around them being in power. They deny their true fears and emotions and vulnerability. This is why all their relationships are ‘fake.’
In fact, the more worthy you are, the more games they will play to destabilise you in other to keep you.
If you weren’t worth keeping, he wouldn’t have played games in the first place.
They discard us when they sense they’ve had enough. Their ego and pride means they can’t bear to be left, so they leave us first.
These people are addicted to feeling powerful and in control, and can’t cope when we retaliate.
You were discarded not because you are worthless: you were discarded because you are too much: you have too much character, too much goodness, better values. You weren’t a puppet.
A relationship that’s healthy allows each partner to evolve and grow. Abusers try to make us submissive and just extensions of themselves, willing participants in their sick power games.
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Dear Lostandbroken, I had the same as you in most ways. I think that my ex was a conman who targeted me to either profit financially (I don’t have much, I am basic average earner) or a share in my house. He tried so so hard to move in with me. Of course he never blatently said this. Throughout the whole time that I was with him I do not feel that I never really knew HIM. I knew the mask that he wore to put on a pretence so that I would like him. I knew the way that he ‘mirrored me’, I thought ‘Wow I have met someone who is like my male twin, a perfect match’. All of this was a cleverly constructed lie to deceive and use me. I on the other hand gave him my all. I trusted him implicitly more than any other person that I had ever known. this sounds a contradiction, but I trusted him zero percent. But he manipulated and tricked me to trusting and opening myself to him which is what I did. He then discarded me without a second glance and has maintained this since. I suspect he might have been online dating whilst he was with me, using my PC in my house. I think he might have been dating other women whilst I was by his side, trying all that I could to make it work and make him happy. He was telling me throughout that I was his soulmate and he loved me dearly. (detail removed by moderator). I am so much happier now I have got away from him. Though honestly I have been confused and questioned since we split up exactly what I had gotton involved with. Now I do not think so much like that any more, his importance to me has become so much less. I am looking forward to a nice weekend for myself. X*X
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I’ve been wondering about this, as I really had reached my limit and was at the point where I was distraught and hysterical. His words (or his lies) still had an assuring effect on me, but I think I was worn down so much and had become so argumentative because I just didn’t have the emotional resilience in me that I once did. I was in a constant state of hurt and confusion, and so I was incredibly defensive perhaps to try and ward it off.
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Hello Lostandbroken,
What you’re feeling right now, I can relate to. It feels like being split down the middle, and my state of mind keeps shifting to feeling angry, confused or even numb about him, to missing him terribly and reflecting on the good times only. It makes everything seem unreal and you start to question which parts, if any, were genuine and true.
I agree with Healthyarchive that trauma bonding can help to account for these feelings. I also think being suddenly discarded is like experiencing a bereavement. I knew that towards the end I was feeling more and more vulnerable in my love for him and tried to hide it away, but it’s like I became addicted to him even though I was and am completely miserable, and craved the assurance, the comfort, even though it didn’t feel quite right.
It’s hard to believe right now that time and knowledge will help to ease the pain, I think because the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are so overwhelming. x
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These couple of days have been so heart breaking, I just got back from visiting my mum and all I did there was cry out in agony for him. It’s uncontrollable, and I cry really hard. It does feel like I’m moarning the death of a very close family member. I should hate his guts for what he’s done to me xx
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I’ve been told the hate / anger will come with time, but it feels more like a big jumble of emotions that keep fluctuating with no warning. I’m sorry to hear you’re in so much pain, I hope there’s even some small thing that can help. I’ve been trying to keep my hands busy with arts / crafts as it can help to redirect my focus xx
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Oh yes that too, the sudden discard. It rips your life into shreads…………………….BUT it gets better I promise you Lost & Broken & Phantasmagorical. He Discarded me, it was the worse thing that he could have done, it tapped into my childhood fears of abandonment and he knew it. But the pain that I feel now is virtually healed, if you follow the rules on how to heal.
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Yes phantas that’s what it is like right now, a song came to my head whilst driving earlier it reminds me of a warm connection we had one time. (detail removed  by moderator) we had some pretty big arguments not long after moving in together, and whilst driving home one day it came on the radio and we both sat and listened to the words, they described him, and he reached for my hand and we shared the most intense emotional connection. Well I did anyway.
My heart is broken I’m in so much pain I can’t concentrate on anything else. What did o do to deserve such pain 😟
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Dear Lostandbroken
Please know that we are thinking of you and that life will get better for you.Each day or week brings new things thoughts ideas strengths and you will heal in time.
In the past when I felt hurt and lost because of my ex I shall always remember what a woman-centred social worker taught me: learn to give yourself some treats e g chocolate a film or a nice bath or something else.It maybe sounds silly but we survivors need to be kind to ourselves and I once had to learn this.The more you do this the better you will feel as we must love ourselves first in order to be healthy and happy.
Today I still follow that womans advice and it gives me warmth and an inner glow.Hope as well…
Take care and remember some treats and self care.
Jupiter x x -
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The main thing is that it does get better in time -I think it is probably an emotional skill that we teach ourselves when we are distressed.The mind or body simply can not remain in this state for long.The bad moments pass to allow some healing to take place.
I used to read young childrens books with their sunny stories and it calmed me a lot.No one knew they were for me!Jupiter
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I had a bit of a good idea today. I have read some of my posts that I posted when I very first joined the forum. I recommened all of the women doing it who have been on here a while. Its a good indicator of how you have moved forward. I wrote the threads, I feel so lonely & I miss him so much, this was months ago not that long after we parted.
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