Sudden change in behaviour

[Bakehappy]

So it’s been several months since I broke free, police have been involved (detail removed by Moderator) But we have four children who he has maintained regular contact with. From the beginning of the process all of his behaviours have been a clear demonstration of trying to prove he loves me, is changing, will do whatever it takes blah blah blah. I nearly believed it. (detail removed by Moderator) Suddenly, he has stopped calling the kids every night…(detail removed by Moderator) nights on the trot now. He still texts them Each morning but before he was constantly in contact…this is the (detail removed by Moderator) weekend he hadn’t asked to spend time with them. I’m angry, I feel totally played AGAIN, I thought he was finally stepping up as a dad but now I fear that he is going to really upset the children with this change of attitude….I’m bitter, I’m
Confused, I’m sad, I’m really in turmoil. I need someone to recognise this pattern and explain it to me please

[EeyoreNoMore]

I may be way off here but ..

You know when you were together, would he pull you in with the nice behaviour and then push you away with the bad? At the start did you get more needy each time he pushed you away? Maybe that’s what he’s hoping for with the kids?

Or maybe he knows his behaviour will push your buttons and you will react and give him a dose of the fuel he craves – your emotion?

Never doubt that everything they do is for their own gain.

[Bakehappy]

Thankyou! life certainly seemed to follow a pattern while we were together, every few weeks the abusive side would appear until he knew he’d pushed as far as he’d dare, then we’d get the nice him for a week or so. I don’t believe I ever behaved needy, but it’s true he knows which buttons to press and the children is a major one….he would never threaten harm to me but would threaten all sorts about people I love and care about. He never showed an interest in the children while we were together then when we split he suddenly became father of the year and the kids lapped it up….not least because all they’d ever wanted was a normal
Father/child relationship with him and now they had it….but I feel sore for them now because he has reverted to type. I’m sure he is aiming for a reaction, but he won’t get it from me.

[danicali]

from where i sit, you have the opposite “problem” to what I’ve had. my ex became suddenly obsessive about our son after i left him (he wasnt too interested before) (detail removed by moderator). he is still obsessive, even interferes with my own contact with our son. so from that perspective, the fact your ex is not showing much interest in the kids is, well, to me, wow. in a way, positive. but not great for them as they of course want dad and dont understand.

keep a diary of all the times he fails to have a contact. you may need it later.

but you are actually in a stronger position with this set up – him not showing too much interest – than the other way round, if he ever goes for custody. also the fact he’s known to police… but be wary of these sudden changes – he may suddenly want to see them all the time. it could just be a move to keep you unsettled, not knowing what’s happening, then suddenly changing. that is also a pattern of abusers (you cant make plans you live in a constant state of confusion and uncertainty about everything – this is how they can control you remotely)

focus on being the good mum you are, (detail removed by moderator), and stay strong

[Confused123]

HI HUn

They sadly do use the kids to get to us, my ex used to come and see the kids and use it as an excuse to convince me to take him back and pretend we were palying happy families again, hardest bit is when ht ekids are disappointed why at last minute their dad changes his mind and chooses not to see them, again they know it will wind us up seeing kdis affected, try and not fall for his game, they dont change far as im awaare and have heard from other ladies too. all we can do is put boundaries in place, i used to say to my ex he oculd come on a certain day that we both agreed on, if he chose to cancel it then he would wait till following week till he see kids again, it is upsetting for kids to be let down at last minute, all we can do is be there for them and offer them consitecny on our side

[Bakehappy]

Thankyou, your comments are really helpful for me processing these changes.

That comment ‘you cant make plans you live in a constant state of confusion and uncertainty about everything – this is how they can control you remotely’ feels completely on point for me right now. I have so much other stuff on my plate as well that my brain is pickled and I’ve literally just been sitting here trying to think how to work through this because otherwise I’m just going to drown in general life! one of the ways he would behave was all about overloading my brain with responsibility for every single little thing so that I had no time or energy to focus on much at all…by putting me through this new ordeal he’s just keeping that pressure on and seemingly using the kids in his game.

[KIP.]

Hi there, I think you need rules in place. You need to take control and tell him when he can see the kids, through a solicitor and court if possible. That way, you and the kids know what’s expected. When he breaks the rules, the blame lies squarely with him. You can get on with your life and cut him out. Google ‘cycle of abuse’. You’re right about them using up all our head space with their dysfunctional behaviour. No contact is the way to recover from that.

[Author]

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