Suddenly all sweetness and light

[Mummyboo]

Hi everyone,
I’ve been out of my marriage a few weeks now. The critical stage when he was bombarding me with begging texts and calls and suicide threats etc has sort of calmed down. He is now trying to be so so nice to me and it’s making me doubt if I have made the right decision. He has signed up to counselling, doesn’t get in touch unless it is about the kids etc. Our youngest is starting nursery this week and he wants to pick us up to take him in. I was unsure but he was assuring me that he wouldn’t be doing any begging that he was just helping me out ( I can’t drive due to brain injury). It is so weird during the bad time after I left I just wanted him to be able to be civil and pick up / drop off the kids with no drama and now that is happening but I’m still worried. I don’t know if he is being genuine or if he is trying to manipulate me. I find it quite difficult to believe that someone who I have known and cared about for so long would deliberately try to manipulate me. I still believe I should stay out of the relationship as I just don’t have the strength to leave again but it is just so confusing.

[SunshineRainflower]

I’d be very careful about any ‘nice’ behaviour, it is a key part in the cycle of abuse. If they were mean all the time we’d never stay. These men are able to appear to be the most wonderful partners in the world as they know it’s what we desperately want them to be. Then the cruelty and abuse starts up as soon as we are back under their control. I see them like spiders in a pretty web, luring in a fly. Or like a honey pot, or a mirage in a desert.

My ex would switch from being ‘wonderful and lovely’ to incredibly painfully cruel towards me then back again. It was so confusing and he was able to justify or gaslight it away that I didn’t realise it was abuse and initially blamed myself and thought there was something wrong with me. It is also deliberately exhausting so that we lose our strength and power making it harder to leave, as you have stated above.

It sounds like he has switched manipulation tactics after the bombardment of texts and suicide threats didn’t work. They are very clever. I would avoid all contact and arrange child visits through a third party. Use the grey rock method. Don’t allow him any opportunity to manipulate you. He will use things like your brain injury to do this, my ex used my mental health as a manipulation tactic and was fond of saying ‘I just want to help’ whilst being the main cause of the deterioration of my health.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

This nice act is just a act to do exactly that confuse u , may u think things were not that bad, it is all a temporary act and hun u better believe it that some one u care about can manpiulate you, it is all part of the game, if u are out, stay out , let him help u drop child of to nursery if it helps u, bit do not rely on them too much as they plant seeds in to our head very quickly

[Mummyboo]

Thank you so much for all your kind comments. This is just the hardest thing ever, and (detail removed by moderator) I almost died in an accident but it was a walk in the park compared to this. He phoned me this afternoon (I have tried to put all contact through my sister but he somehow always rangles back in) I ended up hanging up on him as I just can’t handle him at the moment so he followed up with a big long epic email were he went through the circle of power and control diagram and detailed all the ways he was wrong (but is going to change) and also the ways I said he was wrong but I was actually wrong about. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if there had been a big serious physical incident (rather than shoves and hair pulling) or if he had cheated or something because maybe then he wouldn’t be able to minimise it and make it out that I am over reacting. He has a counseling session booked for this (detail removed by moderator) and in a way I wish he didn’t, I felt stronger when I could say “you say you’re going to change but haven’t done anything”. Now it will feel like I won’t have any excuses left.
I really thought things were getting a bit better these past few days but it is just so hard again.

[Falling Skys]

Hi

I find that when they are being kind and caring the hardest thing to cope with, because this what we wanted and also it makes us doubt ourselves.

Being abused isn’t always a big thing, it and million of little things that is worse in one way because even we make the accuses about but its wrong and we deserve better.

Sadly leopards don’t change their spots.

Good luck

FS xx

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