Suddenly grieving

[Eyeswideopen]

I hadn’t been here in a while, because I thought I had somehow “mastered” this abuse thing, and that I’m now aware and safer and okay…
But… it’s not so simple right?
Watched something today that really triggered me so here I am… 🙁
I have left my emotionally abusive long marriage for a while now, and things are more or less stable. Kids sharing time betwee us, and as he avoids me and doesn’t seek contact anymore, it’s mostly settled.
However I was overcome with grief and sadness today… and I’m struggling to make sense of it.
He is still nasty to me if we have to talk and continues to twist everything I do and say so he’s the victim, still blames me for destroying his life taking no accountability for where our relationship ended up. Im still somewhat under his control for some things, but I’m ok with the situation, I am counting my wins and taking a day at a time.
Yet I now see it our personalities created the perfect scenario for his rejection traumas to be triggered, which increasingly escalated the abuse and further pushed me away, whilst I feared confrontation and had a huge sense of responsibility towards him…
But the fact is I once really loved him, we created a beautiful family and I sometimes regret not knowing what I know now so we could have perhaps rescued things sooner.
It’s all gone now, I am happier, in a new very loving respectful relationship, but it hurts still to acknowledge we failed. And to know that for giving up, and seeking my own freedom, I caused so much pain in him, and challenges to my kids.
It’s difficult not to feel guilt. I thought I was over it, and his crazy attitudes often provide a good reminder that I am the victim here, but I can’t shake the feeling of being sorry for him… as he is as he is because he himself was a victim to his father’s abuse and cold mother, who endured the abuse…
Today I just wish I could hug him, cry together, say we are sorry this happened, and for him to believe I want him well… and really wish things could have been different.
But I know that’s impossible as he has nurtured only hatred towards me.
I feel so sorry for him, for the fact that the way his brain is wired, he will likely never heal or be at peace with me, someone who was once my best friend, with whom I laughed and loved and shared so many good moments too… Obviously that would not compensate for the walking on eggshells, witnessing his abuse towards my kids, the silent treatments, the coercion to have sex… But obviously it wasn’t always like that, and I know that he got worst because of me. Because I didn’t understand he was sick (is sick, as we know NPD isn’t really treatable), and I am sorry I couldn’t help him whislt also helping me. In the end I had to chose helping myself and my kids, and I’m doing my best to give us a better environment and teach them somethings they so often witnessed are wrong, but I’m still just feeling empty… really sad… wishing it had been different.
I love my boyfriend and can see a very different future for us, it’s all so easy and there’s mutual empathy and trust… but I guess no new relationship, as loving as it is, will perhaps reach the depth of a marriage that spanned decades, with kids and so many challenges overcome together..
I’m not even sure what my question is, but felt I had to let some of this out and try read back and make sense of what I’m feeling.
I think it’s grief for what we lost. All we hoped we’d have but couldn’t retain… I am so so sorry.

[Jedi warrior]

Hi eyeswideopen so much of what you have shared is what I have been feeling on a daily basis I too had a very long marriage wow everything is so similar I’m also in a loving relationship now and realise how dysfunctional my marriage was sexual coercion played a large part in pushing me away he used to get so angry if I said no ..I have affection now something I was afraid to show to my ex because it always had to lead to sexi was called cold because of ityet I continued to try and meet his needs ..but yes I too miss family life and still feel sad guilty for leaving my ex twisted everything back to me his family told me he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them as he’s so heartbroken and i feel bad about not looking after him anymore because he has developed health problems due to not looking after himself but of course none of them know what I lived with ..like you say when you have been in a long marriage as a family it’s only natural to greive thank you ..

[Eyeswideopen]

Hi, it does resonate a lot what you are feeling. The guilt or responsibility towards them is difficult to shake off. He is a broken person, and I can’t help feel sorry and a wish I could help (more than I already do, even if he says I’m just doing him harm, and despite getting abuse at every interaction). I know I’m not responsible for how he feels and he is facing consequences to his actions but there is a degree of thinking I am somewhat at fault, for not supporting him, because I’m the “healthy” one and he has deep rooted mental health issues. I get mad at myself for not switching off from him. He’s constantly creating drama just to try punish me, and yet I don’t feel hate, just… sadness he is like this. And the fact my kids have to bounce between us now is difficult. They are definitely better than witnessing our toxic marriage, so I know it’s the best I can offer them now, but sometimes seeing pictures of good times really hurts. Keeping them from having those small good moments as a family. Thanks for your message x and have a beautiful week!

[nbumblebee]

Oh my @Eyeswideopen oh ny.
I wanted to cry when I read your post as even though im still here I feel every word of your pain.
Every single word.
The love the good times the family then along with that all the hurt the pain the confusion every day my mind swaps between loving him and hating him. You have no udea no idea at all how much your post has helped me Thank you.

For what its worth I think you are incredable. To be brave enough to leave to push through all that pain took balls and you are more than allowed to grieve. Grief can creep up at any time it doesnt even have to take a trigger for you to feel it. Id say go with it allow yourself a day or two to feel it to moarn it and then look again at what you have now.
Freedom peace and love in someone new maybe you are also working towards finding that love in yourself too. After all you have fought you are allowed to feel sad at times but then look up to the light and see whats ahead.

Sending much love to you xxxxxx

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