Suicidal

[Anonymous]

This is so so long but I’m in need of help and don’t know where to turn.

I’m gonna start from my childhood up until now,my problems only seem to escalate and nobody understands my way of thinking and why I continually do things that make me a bad person. 
My mum had mental health problems I’m sure of it, she was very young when she had me and she did want an abortion.  She had me and didnt treat me in a way a mum should, physical abuse, mental abuse and neglect all happened. Being strangled, beaten, starved, mentally tortured, locked in rooms without toilet facilities or food, getting illnesses like impetigo from the living conditions, emotional needs were not met.  I think the first time it occurred I had problems was with food. found it hard to eat because my mum would call me a pig constantly and belittle me. She said to my brother have I lost weight yet last time she seen him. She abused animals too and was banned.  We left at (Detail removed by Moderator) me and my brother She still had access to the youngest child and guess where he is now? Been in hospital for (Detail removed by Moderator) years and is now in a home for kids with eating disorders. He’s such a brave kid, my other brother is too I love them with all my heart and we tried as siblings to get her done for historical abuse.  (Detail removed by Moderator) heard her saying she hasn’t done anything wrong. At that moment in time (Detail removed by Moderator) I sobbed uncomfortably.  My dad let us down, something we are used too. He wouldn’t allow the detective near his home because he takes drugs occasionally. I think his drug use was an escape from what was really happening. 

My grandparents… have been there for us all our lives, but my grandad has an overbearing abusive side to him. I think my dad was abused by him but in my grandads eyes it wasn’t abuse in them days. Physical abuse was the norm.  He’s always been overbearing, not allowing me to-do simple household chores, making food I struggled with for years as he would criticise me. He has hit me before across the head for being a few minutes late  He thinks mental health problems are for weak people and they deserve to be stigmatized for the rest of their lives.  We couldn’t play like kids, we were walking on egg shells in fear he would shout. He has called me horrible names and doesn’t respect my privacy He’s walked in on me twice Once when I was (Detail removed by Moderator) and just started puberty, he walked in the bathroom and had a wee Even though I screamed at him to get out Then again at age (Detail removed by Moderator) he barged in and told me it’s ok nobody wants too look at you anyway.  He forced me to go to college instead of (Detail removed by Moderator), so I wasted (Detail removed by Moderator) years going to college to please him. I wanted to leave and get a job but I was scared. don’t know why I was so scared of him, not now  I fight back but he as usual is the victim in all this. He’s opened my letters forged my signatures for nhs treatment, walked into a counselling session to drag me out, screamed at police because I nearly killed myself and he was more concerned about the neighbours seeing the emergency vehicles. The police were very good with me and they talked to him still live here now and although I can defend myself, I cry each and every day wanting an escape because I still feel like an abused child. Whenever I hear my grandad I get severe anxiety and a horrible violating feeling whenever I’m near him Which is heart breaking, my grandad was my best friend as a kid  I don’t know what happened.

Forgot to mention I was forced into sexual acts by a guy in school He knew about the abuse and would taunt me with his friends He told me I’m ugly and this is my only chance to get a bf.  I listened to him and it destroyed my reputation I was with a boy from age (Detail removed by Moderator) to (Detail removed by Moderator) He was everything to me at the time but he had anger issues. (Detail removed by Moderator) years it took me to leave Being told nobody else wants you, being hit, strangled, teeth knocked out and he cheated but made me look bad.  It was also emotionally abusive I got pregnant and he convinced me an abortion was the only option. That still haunts me to this day having an abortion. After this I went on a rampage Drinking, getting into trouble with the law, taking drugs and letting people take advantage.  I got diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and body dysmorphia After all that and spent money on cosmetic treatments I didn’t need I hated my face, my boobs and dropped from a size (Detail removed by Moderator) to an (Detail removed by Moderator) in 2 months 

Eventually enough was enough and I got a stable job where I was lucky enough to live in work. I loved it, (Detail removed by Moderator) The shifts were exhausting but I tried my best even though I was still depressed.  I worked (Detail removed by Moderator) hours a week for (Detail removed by Moderator) months one summer to escape my family and help out with staffing issues but it killed me. There was a woman (Detail removed by Moderator) and she had night terrors of being abused and it triggered my own past history of being abused. It was traumatizing to know more vulnerable people have been sexually abused and physically. I was on my own on the shifts I forgot when to eat, sleeping was hard and eventually I made mistakes that cost me my job It destroyed me and I had breakdowns in front of my manager she was so understanding and could see I wasn’t myself and those mistakes weren’t intentional. I had to get signed off by my gp and after I was sacked for gross misconduct for not stating absence So I got into debt And it keeps growing, I had bailiffs at my door and I was that scared I took money from my grandad (even though he’s abusive it doesn’t make it ok and I will always feel guilt) they found out and I was honest Offered to hand myself in to the police but they didn’t want that So I promised I’d make it up to them and give them extra money But he’s just got more abusive and now it feels justified because i did that.

Now my boyfriend… I fell in love with him hard, it hit me out of nowhere. He was so sweet and lovely, when I met him and made me so happy.  I got this off feeling about him and I didn’t let it bother me, He had a reputation around his for sleeping around hurting girls.  His excuse for this was he’s ugly and needed validation so he slept with (Detail removed by Moderator) women. He said he got paid for it and had to manipulate them because he’s ugly.  I couldn’t understand why he was telling me all these things, everyone has a past it should be left there. It was almost in a bragging sort of way. To me he didn’t need to brag he was everything to me. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I was so happy however
I felt I wasn’t his first option, it was heart breaking.

I felt like I had to beg for his attention and In public he would walk ahead of me sometimes or not walk along side me. Holding my hand he never done or even kissed me outside. I felt like the only time I had his full attention was sex. Even that he wasn’t satisfied with, he was telling me I need to let him be more dominant. He was rough enough during sex without the extra.  Always going on about the girls he was tempted by and he looked shady on social media.  Talking to girls he referred to as s***s late at night and when I explained to him he told me I’m too sensitive  Spoke to him about stuff all the time and I was accused of being crazy.
He told me my clothing was too revealing and I’m a s**g.  Withdrew affection from me after every argument as punishment, he hated complimenting me. (Detail removed by Moderator)but even then it was always something. He looked through my phone and found messages to my friend about him.
I was obviously angry and venting to her because he wasn’t treating me right. He said he’s using me for money and doesn’t see a future  That crushed me, it flipped a switch in me that I couldn’t ever trust him again.  After that we had more arguments and I was figuring out an exit plan.
He wanted to f**k another girl to hurt me for accusing him (he lied about her for no reason) and got his friend to message her I assumed he was gonna do it and I meant nothing to him so I asked him to take me home So we could split up, he didn’t seem too bothered and it looked like he was enjoying watching me hurt 
I sunk to his level and messaged another guy It was a last resort to make him feel like I had  We had a massive argument I provoked him a little by shouting because he was driving recklessly
He always says I don’t hhlove you and said it during this argument which made it worse.  Wanted to abandon me in the middle of nowhere and I repeat wasn’t bothered if I got raped or robbed. I refused too and he took my phone tried to throw it out the window and then threatened to hit me.
He soothed me after it and I gave in Found myself falling in love all over again and stuck by him  He went away with his work (Detail removed by Moderator).  (Detail removed by Moderator) months he’s been gone and we have split up so many times Normally him having a tantrum because we argued over something valid He would tell me hates me and block Only to return two days later and beg for another chance. We split up properly, he started chasing girls again that were ten times prettier than me. He said he didn’t love me any more yet again and that was it I moved on mentally. I seen the relationship for what it was and never wanted to go back despite my love for him.
During this time I’ve met someone else and he’s been there for me. He’s told me I need to get away from him for my own good and I don’t get this gut feeling with him. We went on a date, kissed and I was just feeling so emotionally vulnerable.
I slept beside him and he held me all night, I felt safe for once. We had a laugh and even his mates loved me, I felt carefree and happy despite the mess. He wanted to see me again and I said yes of course.  Only for my ex to unblock me and start crying saying he loves me and wants to marry me.  It took a while to take in because recently he had said he hates me and he wants me out of his life.
so I had to think about being hurt again 
Took him back but it wasn’t the same even though I’ve not seen him in person for over (Detail removed by Moderator) months was scared of how he would react if I said no and told him I found someone else who treated me better.  I told this other guy that I’m getting back with my bf and he was hurt but he promised he’s gonna be there for me because he knows what he’s like I told my bf we kissed and slept in the same bed whilst we split up. He got mad but I told him that was it for us He didn’t love me anymore and I wanted to earse that hurt. So I thought about things long and hard I still adore him and it was extremely hard to come to this conclusion I tried to break up with him but he got verbally abusive Told me I’m a s**g, he hopes I ruin my life further and he said I’m not letting you go. He knows about my current problems and offered me marriage to escape it I refused and he said we are meant to be  Then he said he would commit suicide. I know he’s got issues and I’ve tried to show him I’m not gonna hurt him but he’s hurt me so much and caused me further depression.  We spent (Detail removed by Moderator) hours on the phone talking and every time I would say no it’s over. He would start sniffling, crying telling me He’s not letting me go I felt so trapped and responsible for his suicidal thoughts  I stayed also because he said he’s the only one who cares and is gonna help me  We weren’t back together and I went to see this other guy and ask him what to do. We ended up having sex (Detail removed by Moderator) times and I spent the night cuddled up to him. I felt so safe again and truly happy He left mine (Detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve been shaking with fear over my bf finding out. I still adore my bf but he knows himself too much has happened and we need to split up. He had his chance to be there for me but he never was and I really needed him.  When I opened up to him about my mum and all my self harm scars it was if he made it into a competition. Instead of understanding like I did with him.  Really did imagine my future with my bf, felt like he was the one but so much has changed. I regret dumping him, it’s soul crushing but my heart can’t take much more of it. This is coming from a guy who wanted to move in with me after (Detail removed by Moderator) months and claims to be madly in love with me but still gives his attention to other girls And makes me hate my body.

I feel like the worst person in the world. 
Just want to be happy but my only option away from all this mess is suicide and at the minute I don’t have much worth living for.  I try to get better and fight back but I just relapse and turn back to drugs or my emotionless state. Even therapy or anti depressants wouldn’t ever help

My brother even said people find all the abuse hard to believe
Its that bad.
I’ve lost my identity again and I feel helpless
Want to go get professional help but I’m afraid of being judged again or not believed.

[White Rose]

Hi Lotte
I just want to give you a massive mum hug. You’ve really been through the mill but you’re looking for support and help that’s a really important step.
From a practical side of things I’m sure you’ve tried GP etc but it may be they’ve not come up with right sort of support for you.
Have you tried NAPAC https://napac.org.uk? It may be a good place to start or even NSPCC. Some areas have support for adults abused as children through the local safeguarding teams and police domestic abuse team may have contacts for them. You could try ringing police 111 and ask to speak to DA team to ring you back.
Samaritans are always there too.
The fact you’re on here is good too – so much support and lots of lovely women keen to help. There will be others who’ve had personal experience like yours who will be ready to help.
The main thing to believe is this is not your fault – none of it. You’ve taken a big step “going public” with your story and that might rock you a bit so stay away from the things you want to turn to to bolster you up! It won’t help. Use us instead.
Google NAPAC and maybe give them a ring – it’s free phone.
Much love and many hugs xxxx

[KIP.]

Hey there, I believe you and every single person on this forum believes you. Please ring the helpline number on here for great advice. It might seem that you are trapped but it’s all in your mind. With help you can walk away and heal from this abuse you just need help. We have a local counselling service for victims so try and look for something similar in your area. I always though nobody would believe me but the professionals deal,with women like us every day and know you’re telling the truth. Hang in there. Suicide is not the answer. Talk to the helplines and hang in there. I was suicidal for a long time I and I now understand why. It was never my fault.

[anotherlife]

Hi Lottie. Firstly, well done for getting all that out and reaching out. You’re not at fault from the awful things that have happened to you over the years and it sounds like you’ve always tried your best to work hard and try to move forward.
Families are meant to look after each other but it’s not always that way unfortunately. You deserve happiness though and not with this man who has been treating you in this way.
There will be people out there who can help you. As White Rose says, there are those suggestions, there’s also the women’s aid helpline who you could talk to freely and would no doubt be able to advise.
Please call the Samaritans in the short term, for someone to talk to today. They are there to listen and help. There is also a charity called Papyrus and they have a helpline called Hopeline UK 0800 068 4141. I found out about them recently and they’re a suicide prevention charity, aimed at people under 35. So there are people out there that really want to help.
You have been through so much and my heart goes out to you. You’ve shown so much bravery to get through all these years of hurt but maybe it’s time now for you to get some help.
Keep posting on here. It really helps a lot of us, even just knowing that is ladies want to be there for each other. I hope you get to talk to someone today. Sending a hug x

[freedomtochoose]

big hug from me also. Not Susre if anyone has mentioned Samaritans yet
freephone 116 123
thanks
ftc
x

[Tiffany]

It sounds like you are still trying to end a relationship with an abusive man. I am not sure if I am misreading your post, but it sounds like you are trying to end things with a man who you no longer live with but who refuses to accept that things are over.

I think the best thing to do would be just to block this man from your life. If you are concerned about his mental health you can report this to the police. But he is obviously damaging your fragile mental health and you can’t support him and care for yourself at the same time. As he is abusive and will manipulate you if you talk on the phone then it is perfectly acceptable to end things either by just blocking him, or texting him and then immediately blocking him so he can’t manipulate you in his responses.

Call the helplines too. Xx

[Ayanna]

Your post made me cry.
You have been through so much.
I was abused as a child as well and it destroyed my life before it even started.
I kept fighting and you can do this too!
Please do not give up!
You can win this!
You already know that you do not want this guy in your life and you started the process of deleting him. Carry on doing this, block him, ignore him, call the police on him.

There is a better life waiting for you xx

[Twisted Sister]

Sending hugs and huge strength to you. It can be hard for others to take in the extent of the abuse you have all suffered but its true nevertheless.

I know its so easy to try to normalise it and make it somehow ok, and difficult to accept how awfully we suffered. Only you know how awful it was for you and you have been so brave so speak out here… Its not easy but important to keep letting it out.

You deserve so much better.

Warmest wishes TS

[lover of no contact]

Hi Lotte,

Welcome to the Forum, you really are in the right place. Please continue to post and share your thoughts, feelings and pain, it helps so many of us on here.

With support you can gather the strength to ‘fight back’ in life despite the people in your family and boy-friends who treated you so badly and despite the drugs, drink, over-working to numb the pain and the behaviours we learnt to survive the abuse but which we are not aware of (you will soon learn from this Forum) that are harming us, not helping us.

All the mess and the hurt of the past with time you will learn to leave it …in the past. But here on this Forum and with professional help (I’d suggest phone calls or appointments with Women’s Aid) you will learn to accept your past, feel the hurt and trauma from it and then leave it in the past so you can move on to live a life, a good, fulfilling life free from abusers.

This journey of Recovery from abuse which I have been on for a while now is so worthwhile. You have taken the first step by posting on here. Honestly for you to have survived what you did you have so much strength, gifts, talents and capabilities. Please don’t let the past stop you now. Hang on in there just this one last time. Believe me the only way is up for you now and you will do that with us. You have so much still to give. You understand like few others can because of what you’ve been through. Your life experience although horrific can be used to help others just by sharing it on here. The past needn’t dictate our future.

I read these words recently and wrote them down. It was a dedication in a book by an Abuser of all people who helps (victims of abuse) by telling us what abusers are really like, their tactics and thinking..to warn us..so we can escape and not be hovered back in to the relationship.

“-To those who gathered the strength to fight back
-To those determined to escape
-To those who supported them to do this”

That’s to all the lovely ladies on here:)

[Author]

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