29th June 2016 at 5:47 pm #20434
Any general thoughts?
29th June 2016 at 6:40 pm #20440
My estranged husband. His behaviour made me unable to work, I had to give up my job due to his abuse. Keeping me up all night, sexual, emotional abuse etc.
29th June 2016 at 6:56 pm #20442godschildParticipant
I think it maybe really upsetting for you to go through and open up wounds
29th June 2016 at 7:16 pm #20446lover of no contactParticipant
If it would open up avenues of contact with my abuser, no I wouldn’t? The question is ‘will the suing process, increase contact or lessen it?’.
The greatest narcissistic injury we can bestow is No Contact and the best revenge for losses incurred is living well and letting go of the hurt, pain and loss. They are not worth one ounce of our energy of thought and emotion on them.
That said I would post a bit more on the damage he has done to you with his financial abuse. And how he has inflicted these huge financial losses and (seemingly) got away with it. No consequences for him. You just bear the financial consequences and devastation for his financial abuse. And this applies to the mental abuse he carried out on you as well.
You helped me a while back with your reply to my post on my ex-husband (present abuser’s) stopping of my daughter’s college fees (and he earns huge sums of money). You helped me when you said you have lost thousands because of him. I felt well its not only me that has lost huge sums of money (lost earning potential due to abuse, paying off his debts for years and he just kept running them up again)> I didn’t know he used strategic debt (purposely runs up debt) as a way of control on me).
Also most of our household income went on him and his hobbies, travel, drink, etc and I scrimped and saved and spent very little on myself and our lots of children, to the point where I neglected them (clothes, eating out, weekends away etc) and myself.
He was always spouting off and feigning anxiety about lack of money, work was low yada, yada so I then became anxious about the lack of money (and his ‘planned’ accrued debt) and the children picked up on this.
Outcome was win/win situation for him. He got to spend majority of household income on him and his needs (no questions asked) and we learnt to not ask, to have no needs, to do without and to put-up with little.
Yes our abusers are ‘robbers’. Robbers of our money. Robbers of our self-esteem. Robbers of our confidence. Robbers of good relationships with our children. Robbers of good relationships with our family/friends. Robbers of our mental health. Robbers of our earning potential and our potential in life. Robbers of our time.
What helps me cope with the financial loss part of the abuse, is I think there are lots of people who lose money everyday. Scams abound. I was the victim of my abuser ex-husband who scammed me. I was one of the many victims. I lost (and am still losing) huge sums of money. It was a bad business deal. I was hoodwicked and he’s got off scot free…But hopefully karma.
I did the best I could. I didn’t know at the time criminals came dressed up as husbands. But at least I got away but still dealing with the financial fall-out but I am rich in my freedom. And that’s priceless.
29th June 2016 at 7:35 pm #20449
Thank you lover of no contact (great name). Just like the criminal case which was traumatic, I feel if I don’t give it my best shot now, I will regret it. Part of my recovery is holding him to account. It is traumatic but even more would be watching him walk away with everything. He’s already taken enough from me. I’ve taken advice and I have an excellent chance of getting something from him but I know he won’t go quietly.
29th June 2016 at 7:41 pm #20450AyannaParticipant
If you have good chances, why not. If you feel strong enough to do this go ahead.
It may be more stress for him than for you.
In any court you can request a video link or a screen. You do not have to face him. You can request separate waiting rooms too!
Show him who the boss is!
29th June 2016 at 7:41 pm #20451
As I know your situation quite well and know how much you have lost out financially over the years, I know that doing this is important to you.
Any evidence which you can gather from GPs, counsellors, previous employers to support your case- especially if it can prove this was long term.
After this final case, you are free to continue the no contact, but I agree with you that you cannot rest knowing that they got away with so much. Maybe you are like me, it would leave you feeling like a victim. I felt like teaching my ex a moral lesson and cutting down his huge ego. Plus, I was making provision for my kids and I. Why should these abusers get away with it? Xx
29th June 2016 at 9:11 pm #20463
Lover of No Contact:
Your post brought tears to my eyes, because you were describing my experience.
My ex too feigned anxiety about money. He resented us having anything at all. So we learned to survive on very little and to neglect our own needs.
Meanwhile, he was buying himself the best labelled outdoor wear for his hikes and he was having his teeth done at the most expensive dentist.
We were just cardboard cut-outs, useful only for him to be able to say he had a family do that he appeared decent and normal. But it was like being under house arrest by a perverted sadist.
29th June 2016 at 9:53 pm #20469
Dear KIP, my advice is if you can get away with it, report the a*s off of him!!! Why should he get away with all of the hurt and damage he caused you, i would do everything I could to take him to the cleaners. It will give you a massive sense of satisfaction if you do. I can understand what the other ladies have posted that doing this may keep you mentally involved with the past, but these days there are ways and means of reporting things where you can remain 100% anonymous. With my ex he had a range of enemies so it could have been anybody. I know about the saying ‘happiness is the best form of revenge’. That is true. For you to be truly happy, confident and living your life would drive him crazy, do you think you can be that way without getting revenge? Personally I had a bit of a mental struggle where I was deciding whether or not to report him for some criminal activity that he has been doing for some time. I decided that he was damaged to have abused me and I still cared about him so I didn’t report anything and let it go. I have recently been really angered by the thought that he may have been using me all along just to get back at his ex wife, this enraged me and I reported him anonymously to the authorities. I am pleased that I did it. He & his whole family are so crooked, they exploit vulnerable people for financial gain, it is so wrong, i will report his family too, i cannot stand by and watch this happen.
29th June 2016 at 10:07 pm #20472
Hello, I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve bee in years. I know reliving the abuse will cause me temporary mental trauma, just like it did after every statement I gave the police. Over 35 hrs. I feel strong enough to take these hits at the moment. Whilst the legal advice is positive I will carry on. I’ve got the rest of my life to live. Why should I scrape by when he’s living like a king. And I know hitting him in the wallet will hurt most. He used to hate ‘funding my f…ing middle class lifestyle’. (Which, by the way i did with a small ill health pension). Well guess what, if I have my way he’s going to be funding it for the rest of his life lol x
29th June 2016 at 10:09 pm #20473
I reported him to the authorities too. And his thieving dysfunctional family. Karma karma karma
29th June 2016 at 10:20 pm #20476Confused123Participant
I feel it will cost u financially and cause u triggers as u know what he is like from the financial proceedings but at the same time i understand why u need to do this, so i am going to encourage u to follow this through, knowing we r here for u if u need support, if solicitors are advising u have a good chance of winning then go for it
29th June 2016 at 10:21 pm #20477
Don’t forget KIP, revenge is a dish best served cold! Timing is crucial.
There is a book by HG Tudor which i read, getting revenge on the n********t, i might read it again. I thought that while some parts where good and doable, a lot of the tips involved having contact with the ex in some way. I think it was anonymously sending him Help the Aged questionnaires and that sort of thing. Reporting him to the authorities was definitely on the list. But a lot I did’nt agree with as the contact would happen. The revenge focused a lot on targetting a narcissists ego so suggested things like annonymously applying for incontinence pads in his name and getting a bumper pack sent to his work!!!!! I’m laughing writing this. When I reported my ex, i gave it quite a lot of thought, i didn’t want him to think it was me, I realized he has got a number of enemies where he lives so i could get away with it. The book is called Getting Revenge on the N********t by HG Tudor, i’m going to check out the tips again!!! Go for it KIP. X
29th June 2016 at 10:25 pm #20480
Another saying i like, Hell has no fury like a woman scorned
30th June 2016 at 5:02 pm #20549
It was t so much revenge for me ( anger came later!) but a case of redressing the balance and creating fairness and some sort of equilibrium.
The marriage was a power imbalance, with him feeding off me like a parasite. I wanted to reclaim something for myself and my children.
30th June 2016 at 5:46 pm #20556
Yes, I feel it’s correcting the imbalance. It’s nothing I’m not entitled to but if you asked him he would give you a different answer. I was a parasite, it was his money not ‘ours’. He was funding my middle class lifestyle etc.
I like the saying, if you mess with the bull, you get the horns lol x 😈
In the beginning I just wanted him to walk away, I wasn’t even bothered about finances or a divorce. He said he would leave me in the house, which kept me hanging about to abuse. I even offered him money to sort out the finances. Although now I’m wondering what on earth the solicitor was thinking. He said no anyway. Anything I get from him will have to be dragged out of him. Even then he will stick two fingers up at the law but I really need to give it a go. It’s not often women do this as their perps often don’t have any money but he has a huge pension. Nearly £(detail removed by Moderator). I have to rebuild my life. Thanks for all the advice. It’s appreciated x
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