Sulking / being ‘off’

[Littlepea]

Does anyone else ever get these periods where they can just sense that something is ‘off’ but it’s so hard to really put your finger on it, and you don’t know why or what you did? For me it’s not the full silent treatment, but rather short answers, an impatient tone, perhaps little things like nit picking or making little comments. But when you ask if something is up they say nothing.

I feel like I’m going completely crazy because it’s just a feeling that I’ve done something wrong or to upset him, but I can’t quite understand why or what’s happening or even if he is being off or if it’s all in my head. It’s a total contrast from the fun and joking person I had over the weekend. Sorry I don’t think this makes sense. I’m just so confused. There are small moments of jokes or calmness when things seem to be ok. But then the next moment it’s a passive agressive comment.

[Ramblingrandom]

Hey Little pea,
You’re not alone in this. I experience the same sort of thing living with my now ex partner. Is it like a sort of tension when you’re around this person, like a negative vibe which seems to come out of nowhere? I’ve experienced this a lot and find that, like you, I also experience feelings of ‘have I done something wrong’ and the like. Usually, I find I get this response when I try to stand up for myself or do something which my ex either hasn’t predicted or doesn’t like for some reason.

I know this isn’t a pleasant sensation to have, especially around someone you are / were close to. Nit-picking and passive aggressive comments aren’t okay. I admit, I’ve been passive aggressive with my ex before but I’ve always apologised for any such behaviour, whereas my ex hasn’t and has continued to be passive aggressive when I least suspect it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You are absolutely not alone as I have also experienced this. Have you tried talking to this person about how their behaviour is making you feel? I know it can be really difficult to do so.

Sending positive vibes your way. x

[Littlepea]

Thank you for replying @ramblingrandom.

Yes it’s exactly like that negative vibe. I have tried talking to him but it either makes it worse or doesn’t change. If it gets better for a while, it always happens again.

It’s part of a wider pattern. I can’t tell if it’s been worse before. Or if I’m just getting so used to it now. It feels like I can’t do anything right. Often it seems that if we haven’t had sex in a few days this can make it worse, because if we do have sex it changes his mood massively.

It’s like an invisible thing that because i can’t quite define it I just think it’s all in my head. And he’ll often say no there’s nothing wrong you’re imagining it. But there always is.

[nbumblebee]

Oh my oh yes 100 times yes.
Mine is like a child some days he will sulk and be quiet for no reason at all just because he can. I always used to try and comfort him ask him whats wrong be extra nice extra good feel so guilty cause i always believed id done wrong. Now i see he is an a******e I dont allow his silly mood get to me in the same way. On the inside my heart sinks and im full of dread and worry but i wont let him see anymore i just go about my day i dont ignore him i try and engage with him but normally and if he sulks i ask once and thats it. Mine can be like this for days and well i just let him. I chose to stay but what i wont do is bow down to him anymore.
Sex is a huge issue huge and if he doesnt get it at least twice a week he is horrible nasty spiteful and sulks I hate it I often sit in the bathroom and cry b4 bed cause i know i have to have sex with him as it makes my life easier to live thats bad right? Even shocked myself writing that!! So yeah sweetie i get you its pants isnt it.
I guess its part of the cycle part of what they do to keep is here.
Stay strong sweetie stay safe xx

[Anonymous]

I get the same treatment. Monosyllabic, cold, off. It feels like he wants me to ‘guess’ what I did wrong. When I ask he says it’s nothing, everything is fine. The atmosphere in the house feels heavy, suppressive. Like all the good vibes are sucked out of the room. Everything feels light when he’s not around, then the anticipatory dread before he comes home. What mood? I hope nobody gave him any grief at work today, because I’ll be in the firing line. Walking on eggshells is what I used to do, trying to ‘manage’ his moods (which you can’t).
I don’t do the eggshell thing any more. When eventually, after three days or so he tells me what his problem with me was, and I say ‘ I asked you if there was something on your mind, you need to communicate it there and then instead of bottling it up’, he says my question wasn’t specific enough, or that he didn’t feel like talking about it then. I am challenging him more on that behaviour, but if anything it has ramped up his anger. He’s just always angry about everything.
What I have found useful is to start a journal, or a diary, to record the behaviour, the frequency, the severeness of the behaviour, and most important of all ‘how YOU feel in those situations’ and how long those feelings last, which will show you the overall impact it is having on your life.
It also helps to bring up other, ‘easy’ relationships you may have with friends or relatives. Those easy conversations where you can be yourself and where, strangely enough, nobody seems to have a problem with your company, your behaviour, and what you say. Feel the ease and lightness of those interactions. Compare them with how you feel around your partner.
It can help to bring some clarity and some detachment, turning it into a chart of sorts.

[Eyesopening]

Hey, I just wanted to say be very carefull about challanging him, don’t play into his mind games you can never win or comprimise with an abuser, it can be dangerous and as you found it just escalates the problem. I know it feels like we are giving in if we do not challange, but something else to try is grey rock, Dr Ramani has a good Youtube video on it.
xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you Eyesopening.
I will try this. I am having a lot of time to do some work on myself as he is away on business for a while. It’s helping me to get some clarity.
It is however also undermining me and makes me question if it’s really that bad or is it me who is at fault? It is amazing though to be safe in the knowledge that nobody will make me feel so low for a while, despite my loneliness.

[Eyesopening]

Oh my god Littlepea I hated this! It is the worst, I know totally how you feel.
This is like my biggest red flag now and something I never ever want to experince again.
My ex would do this so much when he was annoyed at me for maybe not having sex, annoyed at anything in general. But he did it to make me uncomfortable, try to make me feel like I did something wrong, try to get out of doing anything, try to make me appease him and make sure I do everything he wants so he doesnt act like this in the future. (like have sex with him so he is his nice version again) All mind games.

Like you I would ask him, is everything ok? Have I done something? He would say: ofcourse not, i’m fine.
Don’t listen to him, listen to his actions. The words are lies. Actions are telling you what he is doing.

I had this again in a recent dating experince, I found it so childish and so off putting, It reminded me that my first boyfriend would do this, aswell as my abusive ex…
Would you do this to him?

Best thing is to grey rock around this behaviour.

xx

[Secretlife]

His behaviour is a form of control (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been experiencing this behaviour for many years and it has made me feel so utterly miserable and unhappy…… that’s how they want you to feel because they are inadequate and insecure people themselves. But, I’m pleased to say that since joining this forum and learning about abuse, I have tried to handle these situations differently. Although it is very hard to do, I simply don’t react at all! They do this because they want you to react and be affected by their sulking,so by showing no reaction at all and carrying on as if everything is fine, their plan isn’t working. It really isn’t easy to do but, slowly, over time, he’s stopped doing it as much and now it’s only occasionally. It’s also interesting to watch his reaction when I don’t react at all. The mood does get worse before it gets better as he’ll be trying so hard to get to you, but stick it out if you can, and keep doing this. I think with practise, and the more knowledge you gain about abuse, it does become easier to do. You’ll also get stronger emotionally and feel less confused about how he is treating you. I would recommend the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, this book changed my world. It provided me with an understanding of what I’d been experiencing for many years and I’m a stronger person now as a result of the book and this forum. Xx

[disorganised]

This was my life for so many years. It was a form of punishment and it lasted until I apologised for something I did/didn’t do or until I caved in to his demands. In the end I always did because it is unbearable to live like this. When I told him he was giving me the silent treatment he would say that it’s not true because he was still speaking to me. Technically he was, but like you said, short answers, stern tone of voice, being unkind, sometimes “accidentally” bumping into me very hard when walking past me. I was terrified of this mood and I was trying so hard to avoid it. I couldn’t of course, because there was always something he didn’t like no matter how hard I tried. You are not alone xx

[RedStrawberry]

I can totally relate to this. And if I asked what was wrong I’d get along the lines of you know what you’ve done. When I hadn’t got any idea because I’d not done anything. I was constantly apologising trying to calm him. It took me a long time to realise his actions didn’t match his words. He then would say I was the moody one as I would get so frustrated at his behaviour when he said he’d do something and it wouldn’t get done or wed plan a night in then hed say he was going out with friends instead then complain we hadn’t had enough sex (hard when you’ve not actually seen each other). I don’t miss this part but I’m still missing the ‘nice’ him.

[Littlepea]

Thank you so much for your replies. I’m so sorry we are all struggling with this, but it’s really helpful to know I’m not alone and it isn’t all in my head.

I’m definitely getting better at not accepting the behaviour – initially I would do anything to try and make things better and I would be as nice as possible and try to be the best person. But after it’s happened so many times I feel like I’m hardening to it.

I struggle also with the switch from this mood to the nicest person ever. This morning he was in the off / sulking mood, nit picking and telling me I’m ungrateful. This evening he’s cooking me dinner and being really nice. My head is spinning and I don’t understand. Maybe he really is this nice person.

[nbumblebee]

No littlepea No im sorry to be harsh but no Im not so sure he is.

(detail removed by Moderator) mine accused me of having an affair as i was taking our youngest out to a class we attend together he told me i was cold unloving and that id changed and he doesnt like me anymore.
This (detail removed by Moderator) he is all over me like a rash, kissing touching hugging when i push him away he calls me names. The kindness is an act its to reel us in keep us here stuck doubting what we see doubting what we know deep down inside. If they dont get their own way they turn snap so quickly thats not “normal” behaviour its just not. Dont doubt yourself dont stop looking and learning read posts on here this is common behaviour sweetie and messes with us all. Stay strong stay safe x

[Eyesopening]

Yes nbumblebee has it spot on.
The nice guy then mean guy act is definitive proof he is abusing you. If he was mean all the time then you would leave and that would be that. They play the nice guy to manipluate you and keep you hooked. You love the nice guy, the nice guy is what keeps you there. So he has to make an appearence now and again to keep you there.
It is all mind games.
But I know how confusing it is, how real nice guy seems.
It is what I miss from my abuser and it is so very hard to know that this nice guy wasn’t the real him, that wasn’t who he was, even though for years I had convinced myself of that.
xx

[Eggshells]

Omg. Once you’re out, you tend to remember the big events and completely forget all the less noticeable things like the tense periods when you don’t know what you’ve done wrong.

It nice that you forget things like this but weird because this is a classic tactic. It’s how they draw you into the abuse cycle without you really noticing what’s happening. It keeps you on tenter hooks so that you sense the danger if you don’t “behave” yourself.

I’m so sorry for you my lovely; I remember how it feels yo be in this phase of the cycle. Hold on to the knowledge you have about abuse to help keep yourself in one piece. xx

[Anonymous]

This makes for depressing reading, I can pretty much relate to all of this :(. I still have this very strong need for him to have been this nice person, the one that shows up from time to time and is really approachable and soft. But it can turn on a dime, out of the blue, often when I least expect it, and then I get so very scared and I go to bed frightened, not understanding what happened. In the past he even sometimes wanted me to ‘guess’ what I had done wrong?
I will try the grey rock method when he gets back, but I know he will get angry if I don’t take the bait, and then he will accuse me of being unapproachable. There is just no easy way to navigate this.
I am getting legal advice next week, I am worried as I may not be able to leave for financial reasons. I have never really had a career, and now I am too old to start from scratch.

[Littlepea]

Thank you so much everyone for listening. It is so so hard. I feel like his emotional coldness almost isn’t a good enough reason to be afraid of him, as he doesn’t get agressively angry or physical. The last week has been this awful off-ness and coldness, with me being ungrateful / selfish, combined with moments of niceness which I’m always reminded about as a reminder that I should be doing better and doing more nice things. There have also been times when his need for sex has been more important than him actually making sure I want to. Beginning to have sex with me when I want to go to sleep then finally stopping but getting annoyed when it’s clear it’s not what I want. This week has been worse than others. Im just so tired but sharing here is really helping and im so sorry I hope it’s ok and I hope im not sharing too much

[nbumblebee]

Share away sweetie as much as you need too. We all understand I get the same issues with sex he often forces me which is tough isnt it.
None of what you have said its right and you should not have to live like this. I hope by being here sharing and reading others posts you will find a way theough a way to reach out and get some help so you can move on to a better safer happier life.
Stay safe xxxx

[Author]

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