13th May 2020 at 9:27 pm #103203Ripon123Participant
So today I stood up for myself for the first time. I felt great. We were texting I said I didn’t want to do something sexual and he went off it. Calling me names, saying I was awful, affecting his mental health, going to kill him self. Then he was breaking up with me. Through it all I stood strong. I just kept explaining myself reasons calmly and saying that I loved him didn’t want him to leave. But would not back down as I’d done nothing wrong.
He eventually said that he wasn’t leaving and he’d have to accept that I’m an awful person who’s trying to control him. I still stood strong and said let’s put it behind us.
Now he’s home from work he’s sulking, one word answers. Says he wants to die. What do I do with him now.
Want to keep strong but it’s so hard x
13th May 2020 at 11:15 pm #103209AnonymousInactive
You my lovely are so very very smart! You are seeing what’s what, aren’t you? You need to start educating yourself. Why? Because it validates you and affirms you in what you are seeing and thinking you might be crazy seeing it. You are not crazy.
I want you to just wallow around in that “it felt great moment”, I mean seriously do it like you are a pig in mud. Just wallow, get all dirty in it and then just lay there and go – I did that, didn’t I? And it was well founded what I did, wasn’t it?
We have intuition and radar as human beings. Women are blessed with a heaping portion of that because oh hello, we do how much here? Men are very single minded and bless their hearts the good ones, do what they need to do and take care of business. It’s the other little gophers that I have no use for. Men as a descriptive doesn’t come to mind. I have other words……..I won’t use here…..
So just polish up that little radar/intuition thingie because I got strong news for you, it will Save your life. Has saved mine numerous times and I still scratch my head as to why but I do know my guardian angel has only one burnt feather now because of me so I am quite sure the those in heaven waiting for me are going OMG………what has she done now???
Eh, no worries, I’m not worried. Educate yourself. Read, read, read. There is a thread here called “Book Titles”. Much much for you there. Information is power and you my dear, have a very very good and wonderful brain. Let’s get it healed now. So it can operate on maximum power and jet you out of all this. How about that?
His tactics are so lame, they use the same ones over and over again, it’s actually boring when you realize what’s up. Snore…… If you are not married to him, my advice is to expel him from your life immediately. Heal afterwards but what he’s doing is absolute abuse. If you are married, you need to get away from him. What would your life look like if you could paint a picture of what you want for yourself. Please do write it out………just type it all out here….would be good for you to do so. We are here. All of us. Embracing you…..
13th May 2020 at 11:21 pm #103210KIP.Participant
He enjoys abusing you. He loves wearing you down. Belittling you and watching your distress, that’s what makes him happy and makes him feel big. And he won’t change. His abuse will simply get worse and worse. You need to work on your own self and a safe exit plan. Nothing you can do will stop his abuse. He doesn’t want to stop the abuse. Your being verbally assaulted and you’re telling him you love him and don’t want him to leave. All this time wasted on someone who wants to destroy you. He’s looking for a reaction from you. Any reaction, poking and prodding till he finds your weak spot. Do you have support from women’s aid? You deserve better x
13th May 2020 at 11:41 pm #103211AnonymousInactive
I support everything KIP said. Get yourself up and out of this abuse because it is just that, abuse. We love the illusion of who they painted they were in the beginning but of course anything fake can’t actually keep it for long because it was all a lie. And they are very watchful about their expended energy, unlike us sadly….so they aren’t going to keep giving and giving here. It hurts them to do so. Don’t look at them like they are like you because they are polar opposite. A person’s worth is based on what they do, not what they say.
Make a call, know your rights, seek help and get away from this vampire. Your will will make it so. Stiff upper lip, be about protecting yourself, your own personhood and don’t lay down for anyone and take abuse. His tactics are so lame and sooo textbook and you’ll see that if you will do some reading.
People who are all about doing whtaever makes them feel good, with no conscience attached mind you, only want to feed on anyone that’s handy and trust me when I say if it wasn’t you it would be someone else. why? because they can’t manufacture, create, maintain and love what is truly beautiful because it is not in their character to do so. We have to see it, recognize it and go oh okay, then……..I won’t give them my energy, not a wise thing for me to do, won’t sit around and wonder why oh why does someone with this personality profile just not care about me? Important to maybe read the many variations of “Alligator River” where it’s really about how whoever is getting across the river trust whoever is taking them across while really knowing all the while that this is predator and in the end, that predator ends of eating the passenger and say when questioned as to why did you do this, you said you wouldn’t and the predator saying something like, “but I am an alligator, that is my nature”. True enough.
So it’s time we trust our inner radar like we trust nothing else and get up and get moving. And no, you don’t trust alligators because they are alligators afterall and we know that going in.
Past behavior predicts future behavior.
We make mistakes, we all do and we learn from them because all brilliant minds do that. Call, get help, know what your rights are and demand them. No time to be a prisoner or a servant here. We are women and we deserve to not be endentured slaves, right? Get up on your horse and ride like the wind!!
13th May 2020 at 11:46 pm #103212IwantmebackParticipant
Hi Ripon123, well done for standing your ground. You made your boundary known and didn’t budge. But you’ve also learned that it made no difference. How big of him to accept that you’re the awful person in this relationship, I mean really!!! What he accused you of is actually him confessing to you that that’s who he is. Next time he says he’s going to break up, agree with him, tell him you think it’s a good idea, then sit back and watch the confusion. I told my oh if he was going to threaten me with suicide that I’d call either an ambulance or the police, he never threatened again. What you do now is nothing. Do not interact with him at all. As Kip’s said, have you contacted WA yet? You do need outside support to separate from these relationships, doing it alone is next to impossible.
Stay safe, keep a journal of his behaviour, look back on it to remind yourself what he says and does. I managed to record my oh a few times, those recordings reminded me who be was. Thing is ive not been able to play them since I left, tried to once and I felt ill.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
14th May 2020 at 10:06 am #103226Ripon123Participant
Hi ladies, thank you so much for your responses and support! You’ve brightened up a rather dark morning here. The sulking/silent treatment still continues.
I’m just waiting for him to realise it’s not working and go wild at me for not doing enough to make him feel better!
I don’t really know where to go for support at the moment. I spoke to WA and they passed me to a local one. After pouring out intimate details that were highly embarrassing the women announced she knew me 😳 passed me to her manger but her manger who I think was meant to suggest more help but didn’t just said to ring back the women I knew if I have any problems. Which I don’t really want to do. She knows some of my friends. Plus I don’t even know what to say to her because I’m not strong enough or ready to leave yet.
Suggestions would be hugely appreciated.
I’m going to look into a book or something when he goes on nights just scared he finds it on my phone or something 💖 thanks again you all are amazing
14th May 2020 at 2:44 pm #103247IwantmebackParticipant
Ripon123, try a little further afield in regards the local WA centres. Just explain the circumstances. Just because one door wasn’t right doesn’t mean you can’t try another. You could maybe try a local church/chapel. Rights for women is another avenue you could try. Just talking it through,knowing what your options are is all we want,all we can digest in the beginning. Too much information, overloads us. Ask us anything on here, we’ve all got different experiences and ways we’ve dealt with it. Take a piece of this,a bit of that and see if it fits your situation.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
14th May 2020 at 4:56 pm #103262maddogParticipant
Oh yes, the Silent Treatment! My ex lived in a state of permanent sulk. He filled the house with it. Yes, it’s pretty grim when you understand that they’re not listening and frankly don’t care. Please keep trying with Women’s Aid. It probably feels more exposing and embarrassing to speak to someone who knows you than it actually is. The woman you spoke to isn’t allowed to discuss cases with friends. What’s happening to you absolutely isn’t your fault. You are reacting to a massive stressor in the shape of your abuser.
It’s horrible living with someone who’s not worth speaking to, discussing anything worthwhile with and who spends their life making pathetic threats. Abusers are miserable people and have had a lifetime of practice. It is what and who they are and nothing you do will change them. There’s loads of information on Youtube. You can hold your head high!
14th May 2020 at 5:10 pm #103264HeadcookParticipant
I used to say my x abusive partner had insulting bouts of silence
It was his weapon of choice
But insulting to me
Then he would breeze in without a word and all I could do was feel such relief I was finally being spoken too you would forget the torment and being literally paralysed for the silence
I read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that
I found my abuser in there
The water torturer
Made me realise what I was up against
15th May 2020 at 10:43 pm #103371PinkandGlitterParticipant
This is just on a complete side note but I just wanted to reassure you. When I went into a womens age refuge for a group meeting for the first time, the woman stood on the reception was someone I knew too. I literally felt like the ground could have swallowed me up and I still wouldnt have got away quick enough. However after worrying and telling the lady who ran the meeting, she said you’ll probably find that a lot of these volunteers are survivors themselves so theres nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure the operator was more concerned about what youd experienced rather than thinking to pass anything on. Like others have said here, its completely confidential and after that first meeting around (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, nothing ever came up and I’m sure shes probably forgot she even saw me. Theyll have loads of people to support so she wont even be able to recall half of what you told her. I hope this helps a bit
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