Supervised access child got hurt

[Aliceinwonderland]

Hi so he currently has supervised access fir weekends as agreed at mediation. Access is supervised by members of his family I feel I can trust. I am reeling atm after phone call to inform me my eldest has hurt himself badly requiring hospital treatment. My ex said it was his fault they were doing rough play and child fell awkward.
During relationship I was always anxious as he always was too rough in play with the children.
We are due at mediation in a few weeks and ex has been telling me I can’t make him have supervised access. I know this was an accident but surely it proves he can’t be trusted unsupervised if this has happened with it?
I’m so upset he always hurt me ‘by accident’ it’s like he can’t stop his self. Feeling awful and anxious and like I’m letting my children down.

[everythingwillworkout]

Hey Alice, so sorry that this happened and please don’t beat yourself up. Your ex must have been quite rough for your child to need hospital treatment, I think you have every right to ask for supervised access and could be an important thing to bring up at your next mediation. I’m sorry, it must be so hard to see that ex has hurt your child – but you are not super mom/super human and sadly you couldn’t have done anything to stop it in the moment as you weren’t there. I know it is hard, but please don’t beat yourself up for it – you are doing ALL you can under the current limitations. You sound like a caring mum x

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you everything will work out. He has a fracture and is in a cast. Should I be thankful he took him to hospital. My child has told me how it happened and it was an accident but I’m furious it was caused by recklessness and encouraged by family member.

[KIP.]

You say during the relationship he was always too rough in play so you have been proven right. He cannot play with his child without fracturing a bone. This is no accident. If he knows he plays too rough and has been told he plays too rough he should never ever have started down this route. The ‘accident’ only happened because he was doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. The accident was preventable. It was caused by his reckless behaviour and I would urge you not to minimise this or be grateful he took your child to hospital. That’s what a normal responsible person would do. He gets zero credit for that.

[everythingwillworkout]

Sorry to hear that Alice. I would be furious too! Totally reckless and unacceptable behavior. I agree with Kip. Abusers are good at making things seem like an accident, my ex used to do it all the time. I once had my Kindle in a beanie because I lost the cover, so ex picked it up and threw it – for no reason, we weren’t fighting, and it hit the wall and chipped. And he said, “Wow, sorry – accident!! Didn’t realize that was in there.” Well, you obviously did. They set things up so that it SEEMS like an accident, always being as rough and careless and harmful as they can get away with without it seeming like they intended to – as much as they can get away wth it so they can play innocent and call it an accident. I don’t think a normal, non abusive parent would ever put their child in a dangerous scenario where they potentially would need medical attention. You’d be a lot more cautious than that.

[Aliceinwonderland]

He has broken my finger in past being too rough, I have written down incidents which could have been prevented, rough play with my son that resulted in cut knee and when he told my daughter to hide in blackberry bush in hide and seek and she got cut. He is reckless by nature, he says he feels bad after this time, but I don’t see any emotion in his face at all.
I never wanted to hate him but I’m so mad and so angry that the system makes it hard for me to protect my children. I have had no sleep and anxiety in full swing again. Though when they are home with my I feel calmer but just guilty I have no power to change him and make him more safe.

[still here]

Hello Aliceinwonderland. Have you thought about discussing this with Women’s Aid? Its a very difficult thing to manage contact and it might help to get their feedback. To me its irrelevant that he ‘feels bad’. You don’t see any emotion in his face, which sounds more like his words are a cover up (or meaningless). You don’t have to hate him, just look at him from an objective point of view, like you would anybody else, and apply the same standards. Your ex is applying pressure to you but he has no right to expect you to go against your own judgement of this situation. That’s why I think it would help if you could get to speak with someone at Women’s Aid, see what they advise.

[Author]

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