- This topic has 12 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 4 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
It’s been a quiet few days. I work in retail so worked every day and finished Christmas Eve, normally I have weekends off. I did everything for Christmas although I asked for his help. He has been a little bit sulky as he doesn’t like being home on his own and he is still grieving for his pet that died. We spent Christmas Day on our own and then family came round Boxing Day. He helped clear the table which shocked me normally he just goes and sits down. But I felt this was for our kids benefit if that makes sense. He then planned to go out on the (detail removed) with his mates, which was fine by me as it gave me chance to chill. (detail removed) fine I enjoyed the quiet evening home alone.
But I started wishing he wouldn’t come home, that I was enjoying the quiet so much I wanted it to continue. So he came home and I was in bed, he wasn’t quiet, never is so I asked him to be quiet. Apparently my phone beeped when he came in, it was downstairs and who would be texting me at such a late hour, said I didn’t know as I was in bed and My phone wasn’t. He started on about how hungry he was and how I said I would feed him so again I asked him to be quiet. Probably a tad more angry. He cuddled up for 5 minutes then turned away but left his leg on me. I pushed it off, he then got annoyed saying he can’t touch me anymore to which I replied but I have never liked your leg on me. He then told me he was tired of not being able to touch me, cue him turning away sulky.
It’s me isn’t it? I set myself up to be annoyed with him when he came home. Is it me causing the problems all along? I met this man while I was still at school and have been with him ever since, most of my life has been spent with him. I get he is sulky and manipulating but am I too? Or is it a case of grass is greener? -
-
-
It’s definitely not you! Honestly, I am reading through and trying to work out what on earth you think you can have done wrong? You went to work when he doesn’t like being alone? I am sure if he really had such an issue with being alone he could have spent the day with friends? It’s definitely not unreasonable to have to work, and we do sometimes end up doing odd hours over Christmas. That is definitely not your fault.
You asked him to help making Christmas dinner… Again, nothing unreasonable in that! Well, really he should do it without being asked, but that’s him being unreasonable, not you!
He went out, and you didn’t stay up until he got home. So what? (Apart from that he has both massive double standards: he gets to be upset at being alone because you are at work, and also to go out and leave you for long periods of time). Frankly it is healthy not to be always in your partner’s company, but if he is going on lads nights out he can’t be cross at you for going to work! And you should be able to go to bed whenever you like.
It is also perfectly reasonable to want a bit of quiet once you are in bed, as well as a bit of personal space. I am in a new relationship (post abuse) and there are days when I am really triggered by memories of things my abuser did, and don’t want to be touched at all. On these days my boyfriend doesn’t touch me. There are also ways in which I don’t like being touched because of the memories it brings up. He doesn’t touch me like that. It’s just basic respect for the other person’s body! You don’t get to touch other people u less they want you to. If they say stop you stop. Regardless of what you might want. Again, it is him in the wrong, not you.
Oh, and someone may or may not have texted you late at night. It’s not like you have control over when people text you! Also my phone makes any number of sounds that sound like text alerts but are actually because it has reconnected to the WiFi, or updated something. I have turned as many of them off as possible, but I inevitably miss some of them. This is an utterly insane thing to get annoyed at your partner for.
You are stuck in the fog of abuse right now and not seeing clearly. Try to keep your focus on what he does and says. Keep it factual. Don’t get caught in analysing what you have done. You are trying your hardest to be a good and understanding partner. He is trying to make it impossible for you to believe that. But you are. You are doing nothing wrong, while he is intentionally being unkind and difficult. Don’t let him shift the focus onto your behaviour. It’s fine. Keep looking at what he is doing and saying. It’s not ok.
-
when there are double standards (hall mark of disrespect one rule for one!) thats when your naturally going to feel aggravated so he has instigated this. your walking on egg shells abusive men have mood swings that are as inter changable as the weather that throws you right off. you never know where you are with them. but this is what they are famous for. its the push and pull effect and this is why we get trauma bonds x*x this isnt your fault xx
-
I’m having these issues too atm I know he is abusing me but I keep questioning it and think is it me, especially when he is having a good day and not bring so nasty but his mood suddenly will change and I have even told him how he makes me feel and he keeps disregarding things I say as if it doesn’t matter and I’m going over the top.
I’m trying to keep educating myself and the more I do the more I can’t stand him near me certainly not touching me and it’s starting to annoy him that I won’t let him near me but I can’t knowing the things he has done and suddenly every horrible thing he has done has come back to me xx -
-
I know he hasn’t changed but I have. One of my kids has said that I seem to be in a constant spin. That I am clearly trying to establish my boundaries which is something I have never done but fighting not to fall into old habits of just giving in to keep the peace. It’s all so subtle it’s hard to know what is normal. I am suffering from a little insomnia lately. Can fall asleep really quick but wake up several times then struggle to get back off because my brain goes into overdrive. He then complains about a lack of sex because I am asleep quickly. I try to be loving but I honestly don’t want to anymore.
Is there any way the marriage can work? Do I want it to? I find myself wishing he would meet someone else or just leaving, easy option and way out I know. -
Realistically he is not going to change, and he is not going to leave. Focus your boundary keeping on the really important stuff (not letting him coerce you into having sex when you don’t want to, making sure he isn’t increasing his surveillance of you) and let the rest slide. I think it’s maybe KIP who has the fabulous phrase “arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pigeon, even when they lose they just overturn the board and strut around as though they won”. It’s exhausting, and gets you nowhere. If he’s mad because you packed the groceries in the wrong way just apologise and repack. He’s being insane of course, but keeping the peace takes less energy. Then, and this is the key part of the plan use that energy to work out how you get out of the situation permanently. There are various options: you work, so you might be able to scrape together a deposit and just move 9ut. Or you might be able to get council housing. Then there is the option of refuge. It might even be possible to force your partner to leave the house. The last is probably the most dangerous, as you will not be safely gone when he finds out that you are leaving him, but with various legal safeguards and possibly staying with friends or family when he is evicted it is possible. Whichever you decide to pursue, don’t let him get wind of it until you are safely away from him, of at all possible. It makes you feel guilty, but it keeps you safe.
I know the feeling of hoping that he will leave, or do something so awful that we feel we have no choice but to leave him. But realistically, he has already done many things that are bad enough to warrant leaving. He’s just gradually desensitised you to them, so you barely notice any more.
-
Thanks for your replies. I know deep down what I need to do but I fall back into the usual, life isn’t so bad type thing and compared to a lot of people it isn’t. I think it’s now I am more aware of the treatment so look for it in everything. I also feel like something has died and I realise it’s like I am grieving for the marriage I thought I had. I had always told people we had a traditional marriage, he was the bread winner, I looked after the kids and helped financially where I could. We had always discussed that when the kids were grown up I would work more so we could afford nicer holidays etc but I also assumed that meant he would help a little more in the house. Instead I work more, do everything and he has started asking for part of my wages.
Why do they always use a third party? Apparently the people in the bank can’t believe we don’t split everything 50/50. But I know he wouldn’t give me anything towards food or holidays so I stay quiet. When he goes on, I just sit there, because I know that if I give in and give him my wages I can’t add anything to my running away money. It’s only a small pot but it’s getting bigger. -
I think this must be fairly common. I didn’t have kids with my ex, but there was a fairly long time where I worked from home, and he expected me to do most of the housework, because I was at home. This felt a little unfair, even at the time, because I was working, not just at home doing nothing, but as I had no commute and his added up over a week, I figured it was reasonable that I did a bit more. Then I got a new job, with more hours and a commute double the length of his. And somehow I was still expected to do the lion’s share of the housework, and when I couldn’t cope, it was because the job was too much for me, not because his expectations were unreasonable. He refused to consider moving closer to my job, even though it wouldn’t lengthen his commute. He refused to do more chores. He just worked a steady campaign to get me to quit my job. In retrospect, this is because the job gave me the confidence and self respect to get out of the relationship…
He also took money from me throughout the course of my relationship, despite earning around (detail removed by moderator), telling me that he had given the money he earned to his family, who weren’t that well off. I found out in the last few weeks of the relationship that he had also been begging money from his family, telling them that I was struggling financially, and that he was supporting me.
They have absolutely no moral compass, and are just out to get the best they can for themselves, and only themselves. Keep guarding that escape pot. Once you are out you will be in a much better financial situation. I hope that you will find that your years bringing up the kids will entitle you to a better divorce settlement than you are expecting. But even if it doesn’t, abusers are expensive to keep and it is much easier to budget without them.
-
I hope you’re ok? This sounds so much like my life, with the exception of him going out as he doesn’t now…which means neither should I.
I get grief for going to work ( as obviously in his head,I am cheating on him there) I can’t go to the gym as he thinks I’m sleeping with people there; I haven’t had a night out in (detail removed by moderator) years; if I muster up the energy to go the shops I am treated like I’m having a night out on the town. I finally referred myself to a counsellor as I really am losing the plot and I feel guilty for going there and-having a panic attack on the way home as I ge5 stuck in traffic. If I go on my iPad or phone it is treated as though I am w*****g the internet speaking to other men. I am starting to switch off now and blank things out as my head cannot deal with any more and I can see that he is playing me like a fiddle. Does that annoy me? Hell yes, and because of my rages where I have a go back I am left feeling guilty.
Why do I stay? Because I think it’s me, because I don’t think I could cope, because he says if I leave he will lose me my job. I know it will NEVER change yet still here I (detail removed by moderator) because of that I have lost all self respect, self esteem and probably my mind. He has taken my life from me.
You are not in the wrong, they are masters of turning everything around. You deserve better. I can’t advise you what to do as I would be a hypocrite but you are worth more so much more.
Sending much love 💕 -
I have started to realise he is terrible with money something I never twigged until the last few months, he has always paid the bills but I organise them and switch to better deals and has always found the money to cover extras like uniforms and birthdays but his hobbies always came first. He would happily buy something because it was essential whereas I make do. He has always paid extra for rent on a garage and I have lost count on how many loans he has had to clear credit card debts. He has complained he is struggling financially lately even though he has had (detail removed by moderator) big pay outs from things. I pointed this out and apparently the money has gone!! No idea where but he isn’t getting anything from me.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
