Surprised at the place I’m at…but is it healthy?

[Lostinmymind]

I finally left my abuser at (detail removed by moderator). I had been trying to find a way for 2 years, but in (detail removed by moderator) I finally left and cut off all contact.

Not long after in (detail removed by moderator) I went for a night out with some all friends to reconnect. The night 3nded with me kissing a friend of a friend. Which surprised me and felt like it came out of nowhere but it made me feel really good about myself. It gave me such a confidence boost.

Since then I have had a casual night with a friend, and then a night out with another guy that was also very sexual.

I fo feel so empowered doing it, I’ve always been in a relationship since I was 15, I was with my abuser for (detail removed by moderator) years. To be more sexually open is new and excited and is giving me a boost I want expecting.

I know I’m not wanting anything serious. I want to prove to myself that I can be independent, but I’m enjoying being able to have fun and I’m being very honest with these men about this fact.

But sometimes I question if it’s actually healthy for me? Am I moving to fast or was I just further along getting over my abuser than I thought. Will people judge me because I have a young daughter? Is it safe for me mentally?

Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

[KIP.]

It’s a very very vulnerable time for you. My emotions were all over the place for a very long time. Women’s aid advise two years before entering into another relationship. I know it’s not a relationship your talking about. It took me that long to recover and to relearn about healthy relationships and boundaries. I know now I would have done things I would have regretted if I hadn’t reined myself in. The first couple weeks of freedom brought a huge euphoric episode that soon changed when the trauma kicked in. My advice is to take baby steps for a while. The fact you’re on here questioning your behaviour tells me you’re still doubting yourself. Yes, enjoy life but just be aware you’re still vulnerable x

[diymum@1]

i did this and i now regret it. i was in a very long relationship with my abuser so when i got the first chance of freedom i was like a bird set free from a cage. im not sure what happened in your situation by i was literally a prisoner in my own home. so the contrast was stark. i was also constantly told i was ugly and no one would want me. i think now i was trying to find myself and i needed affirmation that i was loveable. what i found was that men are very critical because of this i ended up becoming very under weight. the first thing they would ask is what dress size are you? (i did online dating) i feel in hind sight i felt the need to mould myself into what they wanted a woman to be. some of the dates i went on it was obvious they were only after one thing. i think its true that when we are vulnerable we are more accepting of peoples wants and we accommodate. also i found that alot of men expect to have unprotected sex and that is putting your health in jeopardy.of course sex can be exciting and you have a feeling of new found freedom. i would tread very carefully because you probably need to learn to love yourself again first. That boost only lasts so long and then you run the risk of feeling and being used. that might bring your confidence down once again. when kids are involved its definitely best to keep them out of the picture only until you eventually want to have something more serious. as a single parent it isnt easy to do that xx enjoy yourself but put your feelings and moral values first always xx love diy mum

[fizzylem]

No, no one has the right to judge you, but some folk will, do you feel you have the belief in self, strength and skills to defend yourself or ignore them if they do? Anyone that does judge you is probably worth avoiding anyway.

I’m hearing a self empowered woman, who has learnt that if I am respectful and honest with people and tell them I am not interested in developing anything more meaningful at present, then its ok, as I’m not hurting anyone and I am being clear about what my boundaries are, what is ok for me and what is not. You’re finding your voice which is saying I can not commit to anyone just now, is this same voice telling you that I won’t commit to anyone until the relationship feels right – ever?

Keeping yourself safe in these type of situations is essential hey, so if you have noticed you are taking any risks at all then I would suggest to stop as this tells you you are not really ready.

The problem is being open to sexual experiences also opens you up to being exploited, fine if two consenting adults are in it for the same reasons and do not get emotionally involved, but can you handle it and yourself if anything different to this should happen, say if he becomes disrespectful? Or either one of you start to develop feelings?

Guess because by placing yourself in this position, where you are kissing some frogs, you may find you become more interested in someone at some point – so are you ready for this? Guess ideally you need to know that you will 100% do the right thing by yourself, that you can spot the red flags, that you will do what is needed should they become apparant – that you will walk away however romantically involved you feel if the relationship starts to feel not right. That you can see what made you vulnerable to the abuse previously; that you feel pretty content with the life you have, would be happy to let someone else into this life if it happns – gosh quite a bit there hey.

I would say to be in this place you talk about a person needs to have a good strong sense of self, and feel that what they are doing is 100% right for the self. That you know you can look after yourself and give yourself what you need whatever happens, and also that you feel ok to explore developing a relationship should this person come along, that making a commitment to someone would need to be a long way down the line, once you feel you know the person and what you are getting. Just my thoughts, not saying do or don’t, just hope I may have said something in all that to help you think more about is this right for me right now? x

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