Surviving my n********t

[MangoStarfish]

Hi I’m new here,
I tried a support group soon after I left my ex and the first session was really validating but the second literally left my nauseous. I suppose I couldn’t face it at the time. But I’m here trying again.

I was in a really vulnerable place when I met my ex and he knew it. I’d just been physically attacked by a stranger and was in a highly toxic and racist workplace. He seemed like my safe haven when we first met. He was my first serious relationship (I was a late bloomer) and I really felt I was getting all the good things everyone said I deserved.

I genuinely had no idea our relationship was abusive and neither did anyone else. Infact when I left I had to convince my family and friends I was making the right decision. He was so good at presenting like the most amazing, dedicated boyfriend. I had no idea I was hiding how bad the relationship got to protect his image.

We lived together and he literally discarded me at a moments notice, after he stormed out of a meal with my family. I told him really calmly that him leaving hurt my feelings and he proceeded to scream at me for hours in the middle of the night. I shut down and couldn’t speak, I can still see him standing over my crying screaming at me to speak and that I didn’t truly love him.

I was left homeless at a moments notice. And this was the first time I was truly honest with my family and friends, instead of saying “when he loses his temper he says hurtful things” I actually started detailing what he had been saying: that he was at a loss because of my trauma from previous sexual violence, that I was c**p in bed (he later admitted he didn’t think this but he wasn’t getting enough sex), he confronted me about my weight gain (because of comfort eating during our relationship) at dinner in a fancy restaurant and watched me cry at the table, he said (detail removed by Moderator). The list goes on.

He never hit me so I didn’t see it for so long. In a weird way i wish he had, to make me see it sooner. It was only in the month that I was stuck with him desperately looking for somewhere to live, that I started to piece things together, and started reading up about n********m and emotional abuse. I also began to read about sexual violence and I realised he had raped me, and I’d been in such denial about it. And reading up more about sexual violence as much as one instance stands out in my mind, I know in my heart a few other occasions would qualify as rape. I’d said no multiple times and the guilt trip that would issue, or just a raging argument because I’d said no. I also said multiple times i had no interest in anal sex and didn’t want it and there were a few occasions where I felt him put something in my rear and I wasn’t even sure what it was at the time. This is also rape right? Sorry to be graphic.

It’s been up and down since I left, (and I say I left because even after the discard once he saw I wasn’t willing to beg for the relationship anymore, the hoovering tactics began – (detail removed by Moderator) when that didn’t work, he used veiled threats and screaming outbursts). I suppose I’m still trying to make sense of everything that happened to me? How it happened? Why it happened? I feel like I should be over it by now but when my life slows down it all comes flooding back.

I’m also struggling because there was also financial abuse. He encouraged me to go part time (as he was a high earner and he wanted to look after me with all I’d been through), and I was stuck paying for everything in the home, all the food, cleaning products etc and of course he would only accept organic products. This drained my savings because I didn’t want to continually ask him for money. I’m back living with family now with no savings, and I just feel like he’s set me back in life. Luckily for me I am a working professional, so I have the prospect of getting back on my feet in future. Its just a long hard road getting there.

Anyway thank you for having me here 💜

[KindnessIsntAWeakness]

MangoStarfish – reading your post is literally like reading something I might have written. The emotional, verbal, financial and sexual abuse. Unfortunately I was also physically abused, but that was almost the shock I needed to leave once and for all.

The things they say are truly hurtful, and yet they always backtrack and say they didn’t mean it – why say it then?! It’s so they can show us comfort and love which makes our ties and feelings stronger. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s cruel and controlling and manipulative – they know what they’re doing.

I understand why you are stilling questioning why and how this happened to you. I do the same. What you’ve been through is trauma and it is going to take time to not only process what happened but also to move on from it. But it’s important to remember that there is no reason why it happened. We have to remember we did nothing to deserve this. No one deserves to be treated so horribly. These people are bullies. I’ve just started The Freedom Programme – it’s only £12 and even though I’ve only skimmed it through it’s really helped me to try and get my head around why these people abuse others. It’s nothing to do with us. I believe that they genuinely think they’re entitled to treats others in whatever way they like.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Sex should always be consensual – no means no. Whether it’s with a partner, a stranger, whoever. It’s hard to believe that someone you love and who you call your partner could or would rape you. But this is the reality with these guys. It’s awful and disgusting and it puts us in the worse emotionally confusing position. You deserve someone so much better – someone who sees you as their equal, who treats you with respect and who cares about your needs.

I’m so happy to hear you are out, and although you don’t have the savings you had (I again am in the same position here!) your health and happiness is of so much more value ❤️

Use the forum as often as you need to. I don’t often post, but having the option to write things down just to get them out of my head is so helpful. Even when I’m just reading through other posts, I see so many similarities and for me that’s a weird kind of comfort. To know that I’m not isolated in feeling guilty or sad or stupid. We’re not alone.

Stay strong MangoStarfish ⭐️🥰 you got this! If you ever want a sounding board please know I’m here. Plus, there are so many strong women on here, having their encouragement and support has really helped me through times where I’m feeling low x*x

[nbumblebee]

Welcome. sounds like you had a horrible time lots and lots of us here can relate so dont ever feel you are alone. Many things you have said i suffer too especially the sexual ones and im still here with mine as are others here so we all get you sweetie we do.
Its amazing that you are out truely amazing takes so much courage that so you should be proud of yourself. Sounds like you have alot to process including your past have you considered counselling? It does help it really does.
What these men do is cruel who knows why they do it but we are the ones left feeling hurt in pain, guilty, traumatised and so many other feelings you cant put into words.
I have no answers for you none at all,just keep talking keep learning keep being strong you got this x*x

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