Sustaining and Developing

[Serenity]

Hello lovely ladies,

I haven’t been on here over Xmas or New Year. It was a flurry of activity with family events, which was enjoyable but also hard at the same time, as I found it so exhausting!

I hope 2018 sees you grow in strength, thriving and not just surviving. Hugs to those who are still with their abusers: you have a lovely support network of sisters here.

I was thinking today how it’s so hard at times, post-abuse. You feel fragile in many ways, but at the same time you want to develop in a way that your controlling abuser would never allow you to.

I remember my DV support worker telling me that a lot of survivors can go for hours, just sitting in one position, not moving and not doing anything. I’ve certainly been there: feeling so traumatised and paralysed, that the whole day is a write-off.

Firstly, self-care is the most important thing, and not just going through the actions, but truly entering into the self-care ritual, and believing you deserve it. Abusers will always make you feel you don’t, but we aren’t going to listen to their lies anymore!

To combat feeling stuck and to grow, whilst also trying to care for my self as a survivor, I tell myself that every day I will do 2 things, come what may:

1) I will do one brave thing- something dive been putting off out of anxiety or fear because my inner voice is telling me I can’t do it ( probably courtesy of our abuser, who likes to make us feel we were useless).

2) I will carry out one act of real self-care. That might be a bubble bath, or even taking time to make food for myself that I am not just ‘meh’ about, but that I really love, and is healthy. Self-care can also mean saying no ( for example, to people who don’t care for your wellbeing).

These two daily things help stop me from retreating into my shell again, but also remind me to value and protect myself. You can’t go into battle without proper armour.

Lots of love to all you gorgeous, brave ladies. xx

[lover of no contact]

Lovely post serenity. And wonderful goals for 2018. You and I got free around the same time and I too am really trying to choose self-care actions more and more. Self-care actions will definitely help us recover after the trauma. Your post has just reinforced this and given me ideas.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Serenity, I was wondering how you were as I noticed you hadn’t been posting. Sounds like you had a good holiday period and your ex didn’t succeed in scuppering it which is always good to hear.

There is a rather tedious, boring but important admin task I really need to get on with so the ‘do one brave thing’ part of your message stood out to me. I will start the task tonight, it will be so good when I have got in done.

Wishing you a happy and peaceful 2018 and thank you for your support and wisdom in 2017.

[Ayanna]

Thank you for this post, Serenity.
I still do that, sitting in one spot for hours, not doing anything, just with an empty head.
On the other hand do I notice that I gain more strength.
I have started sorting out the mess in the house, which is a novelty for me.
Onwards and upwards for 2018!

[Serenity]

Thanks for your replies, everyone.

LONC: I’m glad you are going to engage in more self care! Enjoy it!

Sunshine: It’s great that you’re going to attack daunting jobs! It will leave you feeling so empowered, ticking them off one by one!

Ayanna: Maybe you still need to ‘be still’ at times. But it’s great that you are motivated to clear the house!

That’s promising!

X

[Author]

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