Swinging or sexual abuse

[Lucee]

My husband wanted me to sleep with other men so he could watch. It all started one night when we were both very drunk. He logged onto a website and we both invited someone round. I had sex with this guy while my husband lay there. When the guy left we had sex together. I felt dirty and used and showered straight away before changing the bed. We never spoke about it again.until a few months later he wanted to do it again. I refused. We spoke about me going to meet men sleep with them and while doing so take pictures/videos and send them to my husband. He chose the men, he agreed what I would wear and I would go and sleep with them before returning home to sleep with him. When I tried to initiate sex at other times he would refuse.
It got to the point of meeting guys 2/3 times a week. I became to like how the guys were making me feel, I felt wanted, they told me my husband was mad. I had access to the website he was using and was also messaging guys myself I was hooked. But then I told husband that if he didn’t want to sleep with me without me being with another guy first I would rather not do it with him. His reply. Ok. I’ve slept with him once since that day back in (detail removed by moderator) and after I cried. Because it was all about him and not making me feel special.
What I have to say is that I made some nice acquaintances, I began meeting guys behind hubbies back sometimes 2 in one day. Wasn’t the sex I was wanting but how they made me feel. Work suffered, home suffered and I suffered at times. I started seeing the one guy not just for sex but for companionship. He was married having a rough time and we got caught up in this bubble. It stopped so I started seeing others. I am currently seeing someone now. Can I see myself with him long term. No. But he’s nice, spoils me with affection and makes me feel wanted. I still with hubby, we have a mortgage together so it’s not easy just to up and leave.i told hubby I know longer wanted to be with him in (detail removed by moderator). He didn’t talk to me for days. Then was ok until I reminded him. Currently we play happy families. He sleeps in one edge of the bed me on the other. If I happen to touch him in the night while I’m asleep he pushes me away.i secretly crave his attention but then think back to what he wanted someone who he claims to love to do and then I hate him again.
I’ve recently had counselling and she suggested I contacting women’s aid for sex therapy and mentioned possible abuse. I’m confused. Was it abuse? Was it swinging? Did I cheat? Is this my fault? Am I sex obsessed?

[hop]

Ahh sweetheart he was abusing you. You got caught in a web until what you consider normal wasn’t your own normal. He drove you into the arms of other men and made you feel a way that he had no right to do. Take care of yourself and dwell on the way you behaved after your husband changed your norm. xx

[Tobfree]

I to was manipulated guilt tripped onto this kind of abuse too
my then husband even took me to the persons house of who he wanted to have sex with and she and he tried to talk me into having sex with her husband i wouldnt do it
So my husband invited this woman to our house and had sex with her on many occassions in our house in our bed
I felt so confused as he said he still loved me yet we could have sex with how we wanted
His relationship with this married woman carried on
And drove me too see other men
Then my husband met another woman and again guilt tripped me manipulated me into believing its the norm and he still loved me
Then he left me and his child for this other woman and divorced me and married her
Guess him divorcing me and leaving was a blessing in diaguise
As i was free of him yet from such bad abuse i went from abusive partner to abusive partner
Ive been through womans aid refuges and support programmes many times
My children are all adults now and Im still trying to get my life back on track
Just got to belive in our selfs and grow in confidence

[Overcome]

I can sympathise with you here, Lucee.

Weird sex stuff is high on a N’s list of things that make them feel alive. My ex cheated on me quite a bit and because I had small children and was dependent on him financially I felt like I had to stay. He told me about a website one night and said he wanted us to try threesomes. He said he wouldn’t feel like he would stray if I did these things. He would be proud that he didn’t need to watch porn or speak to anyone else because I was doing everything for him sexually. The more used to things I got the more he wanted, I felt like i was having to do more and more things to keep him satisfied but he never was. I too enjoyed the attention from other men; I was craving it, the affectionate stuff had been long gone for so long I forgot that I needed it in my life. Towards the end of this episode he wanted me to sell pictures and videos of myself which I wouldn’t do. He would call me horrible names too, really jekyl and hide stuff!

I am so glad I do not have to do that stuff any more, I finally feel like I am waking up to the me I truly am and I am quite ashamed of what I have let myself do for him, for ‘love’.

I would say there is definite coercion there, Lucee. If you feel uncomfortable saying no but want to then that is abuse. It can get very messy when the attention from others brings good feelings but I would say cut off relationships with others until you have done some healing work on yourself, this type of abuse can leave you confused and doing things that you my not have done would you have been clear headed if you get what i mean? x x

[Woollymammal]

I met what I thought was a nice man, seems like I am attracted to abusers..
He too was a swinger…he had 2 phones, and I did things I woukd never thought I would ever do..2st time I’ve told about that.. he manipulated me so much.. and again I didn’t see it as abuse..
I wouldn’t have even associated it to that..
That was the 1st of many abusers only I know that now..
Sending hugs
X*x

[Lucee]

I agreed to it though. Because I wanted sex with my husband.
All along in our relationship I have felt unsupported and uncared for I guess and this is the straw that broke the camels back. He’s defiantly a head worker plays mind games and tries to make me look stupid.
I just can’t see a way out of this relationship. I don’t want to be with him but have no family around I could move in with or who would support me. He has loads but won’t leave.

[lover of no contact]

Leaving is a process. For most of us it didn’t happen overnight. Keep reading the posts on here daily and posting as much as you need. Also keep up the support from Women’s Aid. You will get to leave. Take a small step each day eg coming on here or getting all your important documents in place. Sort out your stuff, it consists of clothes, books, paperwork, ornaments etc and photos. Get rid of the stuff out of them you no longer need. These steps will help start the process of leaving.

[Lucee]

I don’t want to be with him because I want to be with someone who makes me feel good, that I don’t tread on egg shells around and who supports me.
I worry about selling the house we have both worked hard to get on the property ladder. I’m in a lot of debt due to shopping making me feel better about life. He knows nothing about this.
I can see myself in a 1 bed flat on my own but I don’t know what stops me.

[Lucee]

I run the oraganisation of the house so sorting my stuff isn’t an issue.

[Author]

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