5th January 2022 at 10:43 pm #136588Mumof2-2022Participant
So it’s taken me a long time to actually join a forum to speak out what I have been going through and actually realising that what I might be going through is domestic abuse. Many friends , my mum and my sister have been saying for years they feel it’s that but I just didn’t want to think it was happening to me.
So here goes, here’s my story (feeling so nervous)
My husband and I have been married for (removed by moderator) years this year. Unlucky number for us as don’t think we will make it to (removed by moderator) years. I started noticing things when our daughter was born, she’s now (removed by moderator). We had been married for a year. I had a extremely traumatic birth and had post natal depression afterwards which led to ptsd.
When my daughter was about (removed by moderator) months , I woke up in the early hours of the morning to my husband forcing himself onto me, tired and annoyed that he woke me up I pushed him away and tried to go back to sleep. Waking feel dirty, confused and upset. I questioned him about it and he appeared upset so I just brushed it off. These incidences became more frequent until one night I woke because he was hurting me by roughly fingering me whilst I was fast asleep.
The next day I went to the doctors and made up that I thought I had bad thrush but really I wanted to tell my doctor what had happened. She examined me and called in another doctor who point blank asked me delicately what had happened to cause such abrasions inside me. I told her that I woke to my husband doing this to me in my sleep and she told me it was marital rape. I didnt actually think that was a thing until then. He was then asked to see the GP who asked to run him though some tests as he was adamant he was sleeping everytime and says he is unaware. To be honest I didn’t believe him. My gp didn’t seem convinced either but explained such a thing is possible but he would need to have a sleeping test to see what brain activity was going on when he was asleep. HE POINT BLANK REFUSED!!
We’re now (removed by moderator) years on and up until (removed by moderator) months ago was still happening frequently. We haven’t had sex since (removed by moderator).
I have numerously told him that if he is sleeping why hasn’t he got any help for it and he can’t give a explanation. I have explained how damaging it is to my mental health and that doesn’t seem to bother him.
But over the years I’ve also noticed some other things :
Belittling me in front of friends and family but making out that it’s just a joke
Saying something and then when I ask him to confirm his plans he said he didn’t say that and that I’m going mad and it’s in my head
No physical or lack of emotions towards me and our 2 children
Always saying that he wanted me to have a hobby which I’ve now got and enjoying and trying to make friends and then he accused me of cheating it’s like he doesn’t like that I now do something on my own and I’m having fun without him
Won’t give me money , even though he knows I’m not working but he earns too much so I can’t claim universal credit. At first he didn’t want me to try and claim for universal credit but I did it anyway as I had no money coming in. Its like he wants me to beg for money to get shopping or fuel for my car.
Whenever I tell him how I feel about our marriage he gets very defensive, I feel un-listened too and he makes he about him. About a few months before we were due to move his behaviour changed in the bedroom ,our sex life is normally quite vanilla then all of a sudden he wants different positions etc when having consensual sex.
He started behaving differently and then refused to c*m inside me which has never been a issue before as I am fully covered with contraception. He c*m on bed next to me then told me to get up and before seeing to my needs just rolled over and went to sleep. It made me feel like a piece of meat. Used. It certainly didn’t make me feel loved or feel like I was his wife. I told him how it made me feel and he said sorry I felt like that but said he didn’t know why he did that. He then did it another (removed by moderator) times after. I have now refused to have sex with him until he can treat me correctly. Deep down I know something isn’t right. But can’t put my finger on what!
We’ve just recently moved into our own house ( I didn’t want to move but felt I had no choice) I am now isolated away from family and friends and having to find work in new area and I have never felt more alone. Our marriage hasn’t been great for years but I had distraction away from it all by going to friends houses or going to see my sister and working. But now I’m alone. His behaviour has completely changed and is even worse that before.
He use to phone me on the way home from work so I could put dinner on but now he doesn’t. He doesn’t day goodbye anymore he just leaves the house, doesn’t give me a kiss before he leaves.
I feel so anxious when I am at home with him. I have spoken to him over the last few months about how I have been feeling and then the next day it’s like we’ve never even had the conversation and I’m given the silent treatment he doesn’t speak to me in the evening just sits on his phone. So I’m made to feel like I’ve done something wrong by saying I am feeling unhappy.
My mental health is suffering so much because of this.
Our marriage is over I know that.
I’m worried because I now realise from speaking to various people that he has been ambusing his position as a husband to me and ovwr the years has stamped on my confidence so much that i feel I can’t do things on my own without him. I feel he is emotionally and physically disconnected from me and I deserve to be happy. But when he is around others like his mum or in public he makes out like he is this loving husband but behind closed doors I am given the silent treatment. I have decided to have a talk with him without the kids around because I am so unhappy and don’t want to carry on like this but have no idea what’s going to happen to me and the kids. We just have taken out a mortgage. I’m just getting back to part time work so I don’t have alot of money to pay mortgage and bills on my own and feel it’s unfair to move the kids anywhere. We need to stay in the house.
I am so scared and overwhelmed that I will be a single mummy with no money. So my question is … is this abuse that I am going through? Many friends have said its narcissistic behaviour… any advice on universal credit claiming as a single parent whilst only earning (removed by moderator) a month which barely ccovers bills and food let alone a mortgage on my own. I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and need someone to tell me it’s going to be OK.
5th January 2022 at 11:39 pm #136590Grey RockParticipant
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I agree with your friends that it’s narc behaviour. I’d suggest watching Dr Ramani on YouTube. I watched lots of them, taking notes, and things started to make more sense. It sounds like you’ve experienced a typical devaluing stage, and are being punished for calling him out on his behaviour with stonewalling. It’s pretty typical narcissistic abuse.
Please consider contacting women’s aid for support and advise.
I know this all seems bewildering and scary at the moment, but there will be a way out if that’s what you decide to look for, and a better life on the other side.
In the meantime I’d suggest playing your cards close to your chest. It’ll be tempting to challenge him and tell him what you’ve discovered. Please don’t. These men can turn nastier once challenged.
I’d suggest you collect together any important documents and keep them somewhere safe. Also consider changing passwords to any online accounts that he may know. If he does turn out to have narc tendencies then you need to safeguard yourself. My initial escape attempts were sabotaged when he was able to access things online (buying things on my accounts that I couldn’t afford and tracking my whereabouts). Gather as much info as you can, line up as much support as you can, and tread gently
6th January 2022 at 1:51 am #136593gettingtiredParticipant
Yes this is abuse and you need support. It’s time to start reaching out and getting your ducks in a row as is often said on the forum. Well done for reaching out on here too, it’s such a big step.
Have you contacted your local women’s aid for support? That would be a good place to start. I don’t have experience of this but I’ve often seen others recommending finding a solicitor who is experienced in domestic abuse to seek legal advice from. Apparently most offer free initial consultations.
It’s worrying to hear you’re now isolated away from any family or friends. Do keep reaching out for support. It’s also not recommended to confront an abuser about their behaviour or to tell them that you’re leaving, leaving is the most dangerous time for those escaping domestic abuse. Sorry if I’ve bombarded you with info. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and we are all here to support one another on the forum xx
6th January 2022 at 6:02 pm #136633Wants To HelpParticipant
What you have described within your marriage consists of sexual abuse, rape and incidents of coercive control that amounts to the offence under criminal law. One of your options is to inform the police of this and he will be arrested and dealt with. You have historical medical evidence that supports your account and his unwillingness to do anything about it by refusing to have any medical tests to back up his ‘defence’ that him raping you is an illness.
Most women do not want the police involved in their personal lives, but sometimes when we are in such a relationship that we don’t know where to turn for help the criminal route is an option. Rather than you leave the home with your children he could be ordered to leave either via bail conditions, a Domestic Abuse Protection Order/Notice, a Non Molestation Order, a Protection from Harassment Order (Restraining Order.)
By getting you to move away from your support network he has isolated you further and made you more dependent on him. This is only going to get worse.
I know what I have typed may come as a shock to you, but please understand there are laws that cover this behaviour and the police can certainly help protect and safe guard you and your children from this man. Please keep on this forum for support and help.
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