Taking him back after bail

[Lizardlady]

Hi, I’m not ready to leave. Various reasons including my son having (detail removed by moderator) coming up and he’s (detail removed by moderator). I’m planning on going to (detail removed by moderator). She lives in a different city and I’m totally alone here with no support so I’m just not strong enough yet and don’t want to upset my sons (detail removed by moderator).
I thought get him settled (detail removed by moderator) and then just go.
He’s never hit me or threatened me he breaks things and shouts.
DV support worker wants me to apply for a non mol but I don’t want to do this.
I want to do it my own way.
Has anybody been in this situation? Will I get into trouble for taking him back?
He hasn’t been charged, we’re waiting for the cps to decide.
I didn’t make an official statement.
Please help

[Twix]

You won’t be in any trouble as long as bail conditions aren’t breached & he’s allowed contact with you as part of the bail, but you’ll need to ensure you have a firm safety plan of what you’re going to do if it escalates. Also consider the impact on your son & whether this puts him at any risk.
My experience has been that the behaviour didn’t change despite me retracting a statement first time round. It was opposite & became worse. Maybe chat more with you DV worker to put this in place x

[Lizardlady]

Hi Twix, thank you so much for replying.
I totally get his behaviour is abusive, I also believe he would not physically harm me or my son.
He’s never threatened me verbally, just shouts and he has never hit me, just breaks things and disappears.
I was also wondering whether social services would be involved with my son being (detail removed by moderator)?
I definitely have a plan to leave, I’m just not in the right place right now and would rather do it my own way. This does mean me letting him move back home for the time being and acting normal while making plans without him knowing.
This feels like the only way for me as I am totally alone apart from my son and feel I need support around me, that being me staying with this person in the other city.
It’s the first time I’ve reported his behaviour and I’m feeling pressured to take out a non mol.
Can I just tell my DV worker all of this and will she support my decision?
Thank you so much

[hpsauce]

I totally understand. I am in a similar boat where I don’t necessarily want to take out a non mol but at the same time I just want him gone. I too haven’t been physically abused but the daily yelling and treading on egg shells to avoid his unpredictable moods has taken its toll.
Is your DV worker approachable? Are you able to tell her about your desire to not take out a non mol?

It’s good that you are setting a plan in place before acting and moving at a pace you are comfortable with. Please don’t feel ashamed. It’s about building yourself back up and doing what you need now.
It has taken you a lot to get to this point and it’s important you pour back into yourself as much as possible.

Look after yourself x

[Marmalade]

Hi Lizard lady,
You have a choice in all this. You can talk to your DA advisor, but then you choose what you want to do. The choice of whether to apply for a non mol is yours. You should not be pressured, but make sure you are safe and protected.
If the police are involved then you have to be aware of any bail conditions. If he has conditions not to contact you or return home, then you would have to make a decision whether you support him applying to alter these. If there are conditions and he comes home without changing them then he could be in trouble and arrested.
My understanding is that Social Services get involved generally in child protection up to and including the age of 16. Beyond that it would depend on any special needs although they also have duties to 16 and 17 year olds in other areas not related to care proceedings. This is just my understanding so please check with your DA adviser if you wish to have a definitive answer.
Good luck.

[Lizardlady]

Hi ladies, thanks for replying I really appreciate all the advice I can get.
I really don’t want to go down the non mol route if I’m honest.
I really just want to allow him to move back in after the bail is up and carry through with my own plans to leave myself once my son (detail removed by moderator).
Bit worried about SS getting involved and I won’t let him back if it would compromise my son in any way. My son has high functioning autism would this change anything?
I know i sound pathetic, but I do get that he’s an abuser it’s just I feel this is the only way I can do it.
His bail says till (detail removed by moderator) does this mean he’s allowed at the house after this date or do I need to wait for the police to contact me?
Thank you all for being so kind and understanding

[Twix]

I totally agree that the decision is yours to make & you shouldn’t feel pressured to get a non mol if you don’t think you need one, after all you know him best, but knowledge is power & being aware of all your options gives you greater strength in processing what you could implement if you felt you needed it.

Your DV worker should talk through options with you, including scary as it sounds, refuge options & seek your views, allowing you to weigh up your fears, pros & cons of anything you decide.

I really feel for you having made the huge decision to report, it isn’t easy & the involvement from all parties is very overwhelming.

We’re all here to listen & support you, there are so many amazing people on here with so much knowledge & advice, you’re not alone x

[Marmalade]

SS child protection and care proceedings are to age of 16.
Ask your DA worker for clarification but if your son is (detail removed by moderator) then I would be extremely surprised if SS took an interest but that is just my thought. If you are concerned you need to ask her.
In (detail removed by moderator) the police will either extend his bail or discontinue. If they are still waiting for CPS they may extend. You can ask the police what is happening or ask your DA worker to find out for you.
Good luck

[Twix]

You also should have been informed by police if there were restrictions on his bail, perhaps check with them for clarification.

[Lizardlady]

Hi everyone,
You’ve all been so wonderful, I’ve felt so alone today and so many worries going around my head.
I am going to call my DV worker in the morning and tell her I don’t want to go ahead with the non mol.
His bail conditions are (detail removed by moderator).
I might ring the police for an update as well tomorrow.
Does anybody know how long the cps roughly take to decide?
I’m also worried about them charging him but it’s not my decision and he has brought all this upon himself.
Main reason is because my adult daughter is very unhappy about me phoning the police so I don’t want to be the cause of any more stress.
Thank you so much everybody

[Twix]

I’m in a similar situation with a CPS decision pending. They took (detail removed by moderator) last time. From my understanding they will extend bail for another month if a decision isn’t back in 1 month – think 3 is the max but may be wrong.
I too felt all the guilt & worry about them charging him, but 2nd time around I’m convinced it’s the right thing to do.
Always hear if you want a chat!x

[Lizardlady]

Hi Twix, it’s so hard isn’t it because you question yourself over whether you’ve done the right thing.
I feel very guilty, especially as he’s playing the victim with my daughter and she believes him.
Can I ask whether you actually pressed charges? I haven’t, but they said cps could still decide to prosecute anyway.
Would you know if this affects the time scale in making a decision?
I’m always here for a chat too if you need an ear. Sending hugs 🥰

[Author]

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