Taking small steps

[Clueless]

Hi all.
This is my first post and hopefully another small step in the right direction. I had been feeling very unhappy in my marriage of (Detail removed by moderator) years for the past 8 months or so. Things happened that made me think something just wasn’t right in how I felt I was being treated. I tried to express this to my husband and he just put it down to your depressed go and see a GP. At the time I wasn’t depressed, I wasnt happy but not depressed, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I started becoming ill through not eating, not sleeping and just running on constant nervous energy before I started to speak out to friends and eventually family. My family knew something wasn’t right with me and pleaded with me to go and talk to a counciller. I am lucky enough to ha e found an excellent counciller which my local authority is funding (Detail removed by moderator). My first session I just couldn’t believe how much I let about why i was Feeling so unhappy. Firstly about control of money he has always had ober me, I’ve always worked but our money is and has always been very separate so on days when I’m left short i would be made to feel like I needed to do something to earn a bit more from him. Things like cleaning the house an extra time or doing something around the house and also he would suggest i do something sexual to earn some money from him. I’ve always been worried about asking, talking about money with him. It’s always such a huge issue and it doesn’t need to be. If and when I did borrowmoney it would be on an iou in his wallet. Do that’s one thing! The next not being able to spend time with who I want to without a no your not going/silent treatment and of course the 50 questions about it. Always very innocent but still could not do what I wanted to do. Another thing… picking on me everything is always my fault when Im trying to talk about anything it’s on my head and your depressed get some pills. I will make dinners as he will not cook but I make it for him and then choose not to eat it or buy a microwave ready meal equivalent to what I’ve just made. The ungratefulnness from him in everything I do. I put the bread on the wrong shelf in the cupboard that leads to eyes rolling, silent treatment. His words just crush me I cry and get ignored untill it’s time for me to have a new designer bag or shoes!cannot believe i never saw this before. I just adored the feeling of new things.But that all is starting to make sense now. He uses the children to get to me all of the time. Trouble is they absolutely idolise him, of course he buys them anything they could possibly ever want and need. His obsessions with computer gaming and (Detail removed by moderator)(Detail removed by moderator) he would spend hours and hours on there. Ignoring me and the girls chatting away to strangers. Giving out our address to people he chats with. In particular a girl. He has never met but chats daily to her, lent her (Detail removed by moderator) pounds to buy a new (Detail removed by moderator) behind my back. Then chose to lie about it.
There is so much I could list but what really really hurts and what i am trying to come to terms with is he has been mentally, financially and psychology and possibly sexually abusing me. When I met up with my counciller the next session she adviced me to speak to my local domestic abuse team. Shock wasn’t the word. My life just came crashing down. I knew things weren’t right.
We have 2 children so right now I’m left dealing with guilt that I want to leave their father as soon as I can. I have been here for (Detail removed by moderator) years and I don’t want to waste another year being abused and treated unfairly. I am meeting with my support worker tomorrow which is such a positive step I know. I just need to ride this rollercoster of emotions and keep as strong as I can. I would love to know why this has been happening to us ladies it’s something I guess we will never know I just wish everyone the best possible outcome in your situations and not let these abusive men hold us down Any more.
Thank you for listening! Sorry it’s quite a long one! Feels so good to post and if I can do anything to support anyone then I will. I’ve got this ( well today anyway!)
Take care lovely ladies
X*x

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome to the Forum,

You are in the right place posting on here. The small steps you are taking will all add up. You sound very strong despite him trying to break your spirit. You will rise again with support from us and the counsellor you are seeing. He didn’t manage to break you. You will not be clueless about the situation you have been in. Keep reading the posts and posting and you will become fully aware that you have been living with an abuser. Knowledge is Power.

The small steps in self-care are so important. Its so hard to self-care when living with an abuser. They need time to be cavorting online, and energy to manipulate and abuse so we are overworked with the home/children responsibilities. Early nights, regular healthy meals, daily walk outside are essential to stay strong. We mightn’t manage to do it perfectly but once we are making progress in the right direction that’s good enough.

The reason this is happening or has happened to us ladies is we are not of the abusive kind. We are trusting, kind and don’t think like abusers. They dupe us into a relationship with them because of our good qualities. That’s how they know they’ll get away with it because we are different to them. We trust (we believe their half-truths/lies), we are extremely loyal (we don’t speak out to others), we make excuses (we don’t believe other human beings knowingly hurt others to bring them down so they feel good about themselves), we are generous, we are soft-hearted (we believe their sorry’s, their hard-luck stories etc). Its not our fault for becoming entangled with the abuser-kind. We just never learnt ‘the abuser red flags’ . They don’t teach them at school or universities but we learn them on here so we can learn how to exit from abusive cycle if we’ve become entangled in one and we learn how not to get caught up in one again.

Abusers are cunning, baffling and Powerful. Most ‘good’ people have been conned by one at some stage in their lives. But the most painful and life-threatening is being reared by one or intimate partner to one although abusive work colleagues can bring down your mental health to not to mention abusive siblings also.

[Lisa]

Hi Clueless,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the Forum a safe and supportive place with other Survivors.

I am sorry to hear of the abuse you have experienced. Well done for reaching out for support from family, friends and professionals. You sound very determined to end the relationship. Surrounding yourself with your support network will help with making a safety plan for you and your children.

If you need to talk things through at any time then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247. The Helpline Workers can be a listening service as well as discuss your options based on your circumstances.

Keep posting to us when you can and keep taking steps towards freedom. You are doing brilliantly!

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Notjustme]

Hi,
Recognising your situation as abuse is the first step towards freedom and eventual healing so you have taken a massive step in the right direction, go you!
X

[Author]

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