Taking stock

[Sleepypigeon]

(detail removed by moderator) I sat up all night willing the hours, to pass till morning so we could (detail removed by moderator) be with my mum. We had left for respite but things had escalated within (detail removed by moderator) and now we were fighting to get home in time. The night was long, I paced, I spoke to friends, I worried, I felt emensly guilty and I prayed, even though I’m not religious. I begged her to hold on and wait for our return. I watched the sun rise and knew this day was different and would change my life, change me but didn’t quite grasp it at that point. (detail removed by moderator) we got the call that stopped time and my heart. My beautiful mum had passed away and we had not made it back in time.
The weeks that followed were quick and blurry filled with nessecitys arrangements and looking after my kids and dad, my thoughts and feeling were left in the box I had packed them into.
When me ex came along at the time it felt so wonderful and exciting, a welcome relief from the hurt and pain that I had only been feeling briefly as I kept it firmly in its box.
He swept me of my feet and concocted this amazing relationship all spun to entrap me and pick me up and it worked.
Every so often my grief would break through and engulf me and he would pick up the pieces, while the rest of the time was slowly chipping away at me from the shadows.
When I finally faced my demons and grief, (detail removed by moderator), and became so submerged in it that I never noticed what had been happening all along. I was so caught up in the grief pain guilt of my own that I never saw what was staring me In the face from the beginning.
He had conducted everything, had orchestrated it from the beginning, all the highs and the lows, my own puppetmaster and he controlled the strings.
It was devastating, it still is, that at my lowest (there was lower to) he was there to pick me up but he was also the one pushing me over that ledge.
I can stand back now and see what was so obvious if I had been seeing clearly, but at the time I didn’t.
How can someone be so cruel, to twist the knife but also hold you while you cry in pain?
I dont think I will ever understand or forgive, but I will heal, and I will get some sort of me back and I will move on.
As much as this should have destroyed me it will not. We all have the strength to go on even in our darkest moments when we want to give up, and I have wanted to many times. But I won’t. For now I sit quietly and remind myself I survived, and remember my mum ❤

[KIP.]

Hey, thank you for sharing that. None of us can believe what these man are capable of because it’s behaviour that we just would never do. And probably could never imagine. One of the biggest shocks for me was finally accepting what he was. I guess the thought of admitting it is so painful it’s part of why we become trapped. It’s beyond devastating to be abused by someone you love and think loves you in return. It’s a mask they wear and you’re so right about them pushing us over a cliff then coming to rescue us. My ex would terrorise and assault then cuddle and console. And it was that cuddle and consolation that became my goal almost like an addiction and the abuse was pushed to the back. Mind blowing dysfunction. Power to you💕

[Author]

Posts