Talking to friends – who, how, why?

[likevue]

Hello,

I was wondering whether anyone has any thoughts about how to approach the topic with friends? I’ve never spoken to anybody about what happened, but of late, two things have come up which have made me think perhaps now is the time:

Firstly, I have reason to believe that someone I know is currently in an abusive relationship. I’ve gently encouraged her but she does not want to talk to me about the incident, which I can respect. However I feel perhaps if I opened up to her about my experiences, it may help her to either get out or realise she needs to get out.

Secondly, for the first time in years, I now have a very close friend. In fact, the last time I had such a close relationship with anybody, it was my abuser, so this is all a bit scary. He has been confiding in me about personal issues, and has taken quite a risk in revealing some of it, so clearly there is a high level of trust there. The plain fact that he’s a man is a bit weird but I can’t really blame him for that. Anyway, because of the level of trust he has put in me, I feel if I was brave I may be able to ask for support in continuing to heal. My worries are whether he too is an abuser in disguise (that wouldn’t even cross my mind if he was female), and whether I’m risking overstepping some kind of mark and pushing the relationship into becoming more than a friends and therefore ruining the whole thing.

It’s never come to me naturally to open up about my worries, and I feel paralysed at the prospect of somehow trying to weave into the conversation some of the darkness I may want to let out. For such a long time, I’ve had this wall up of just focusing on work and going from one day to the next without letting anybody too close. “How are you” “Oh, I was raped by my boyfriend and still didn’t leave him so I’m now forever alone” doesn’t quite sound right. How can you even approach something like that? I got as far as saying I had been feeling a bit sad and lonely after a weekend I spent alone, but the next time I saw them they asked how I was and I just said back to normal, which was a lie but I couldn’t bear facing that conversation.

I don’t want to cause anybody distress, especially when the people I describe above are already having a tough time themselves.

Best wishes

[Tiffany]

My reasons for leaving my ex were pretty much public property as I broke off an engagement. I am trying hard to be open about it because I think I am not the type of person people think get abused and it is good for them to know. What I actually say ranges from ‘my ex was controlling’ if I just want the conversation to end there, or if I feel more confident (more with people who I know will believe me and definitely out of the public eye) then I say he was abusive or he was physically and mentally abusive. Actually that often ends the conversation to unless I want to say more. Don’t feel like you are a burden to others in telling them what has happened though. Mostly people like being helpful and supportive, insomuch as they can. The shame element in abuse makes it hard to talk about, but nothing that happened was your fault. I have opened up to three men about what happened to me. Two I had known since before I met my ex, and one became a close friend when I left. None of them has in any way used the information against me. I would be on the lookout for red flags with your new close friend, but honestly I would do that now regardless of gender. Sorry these thoughts aren’t ordered clearly. I’m up late with anxiety and am not entirely sure now that anything I have written is useful.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Do you know, it’s okay to talk about abuse.

Since I ended my abusive relationship I’ve been quite vocal about what happened to me. The amount of people who say they’ve been through something similar or know somebody who has is astounding. Everyone knows someone who’s been there.

My reason for being open about it is that I feel as a society we need to talk about it. Remember when we weren’t allowed to be gay, or have a mental illness but now it’s okay? That’s where I want society to be re abusive relationships. The only way we will break the stigma is by talking about it. Obviously you don’t want to disclose all the details but I think it’s totally fine to say “I was in an abusive relationship but now I’m out and I’m healing”. Most people will admire your strength, just like we do.

[Amaguq]

Hi Likevue,

One thing I am trying to learn, not all men are the same, he is obviously comfortable with you to be able to confide in you.

I live in the same village, my Ex and I share all the local amenities.
People knew/know us, a married couple with children, I remember a few people (females) saying they were envious of our relationship, he was lovely in public, in my head I would say “if only you knew”

Since I left, the same people, many more, have asked why I no longer live there, at first I changed the subject but now I say “going to counselling for domestic abuse is enough said”
Some have opened up to me about their problems and I have tried to guide them to the much needed help that I receive.

I’ve recognised the signs in one of my siblings friends and she totally agrees but like me, once, she can’t move out yet.

Domestic Abuse can no longer be sweeped under the carpet, we hid long enough, no more hiding.

Take care xx

[jackjack]

Those that are rooting for you will understand. It is entirely up to you who and how much you say. You have to feel that it is right. And there is a feeling of trepidation because people get judgey even if they dont mean it.

Saying things like “why did you stay so long?” and “I would have done….. if he did that to me”
Most folk do not mean to be judgey…they just trying to make sense of something.

Its ok to talk about it.
How folk react is entirely up to them and you have no control over that and you should not let that detract from your own experience.

I wish you peace of mind.

Only time will tell if this friend is everything he says he is. You are aware enough to not ever get into that situation again or at least know you wont put up with it once you realise.

I was in an abusive marriage for (detail removed by moderator). Woke up in year 14 and pretended to sleep for the rest of the time then the last six months of it was in a dilemma as to what to do and if i was actually right or going mad.
First relationship after i ended up with a similar person – woke up fast and ran!
Second relationship I realised what it was EXACTLY that i wanted in a relationship and demanded of myself never to detract from that high standard. If he did not tick the boxes then he was GONE.
My man and I have been together one year and he has ticked EVERY criteria and even passed on other criteria i never knew i had. He has been consistently loving and respectful and patient etc etc and I am madly in love with him. EVEN SO – if he falters then I will not hesitate to say goodbye because i wont go through that pain again.

Not all men are the same.

Make sure you know what you want and make sure you listen to your instinct.
I wish you happiness.

[likevue]

Hi Friends,

Many thanks for your advice and comments.

It came to a bit of a head yesterday when I saw the friend and he wanted to talk about the person in an abusive relationship (him and I witnessed an incident with them just recently), and was saying how difficult it would be for her to get out because the man is such a good manipulator etc. It sounded as if he was describing my life from a few years ago. I managed to hold it together (this was when we were walking down the high street!) and said can we talk about something else, but I’m sure he could see it really bothered me. I think I will tell him very soon but needed to regroup first and I will try and find a more appropriate situation.

You have all reminded me that is in fact fine to talk about it and those of us who can should try and remove some of the stigma around domestic violence. However the shame is difficult to overcome. For me particularly, I’m a smart cookie but I’m worried people will see how stupid I was. I know that doesn’t make sense but I can’t help it!

Will report back later.

Thank you again 🙂

[Author]

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