Tell me from experience how my abuse will affect my kids

[LittleRayofsunshine]

OK I’m a newbie in some sense as it’s been years since I’ve came back to the forum although I’ve been lingering in the background reading others posts..

I’ve been with my partner half my life and we’ve now 2 kids together who are still quite young. I’ve obviously been aware our relationship isn’t right, I’ve learned through the years that it’s emotional abuse. I’ve seen the red flags many times and like the rest of you I doubt myself and question “is it me who’s the abuser” is it me that’s causing these issues” even though deep down I know in a healthy relationship my normal actions wouldn’t be questioned how he questions them! I’m made feel all the time that the issue is me.

“I’m too friendly” is his biggest issue with me at the minute.
Right now he’s(removed by moderator) giving me the silent treatment. I’ve had it for (removed by moderator) hrs now, you know why because the kids start back to school soon which means I have to be amount the dads a school. The dads I’m forever being accused of flirting with by innocently saying “hello how are you”
To him that means I want to jump into bed with that man. I’ve binned my (removed by moderator) apparently and I’m letting the other dads know “I’m easy”

Hes also told me I’ll ruin a marriage by saying hello to other dads at my kids school and how ill be the talk of the place. I swear all I do is say hello and smile. That’s it. Nothing anything more. He questions me why all the other parents make time to say hello to me but ignore him and again that’s my fault. Honestly it’s such childish bulls##that that I hear him saying these things to me and I wanna scream at him because I’m actually doing quite normal things. I’m not flirting. Tbh he’s put me off ever wanting another man.

So to get back to my question as I’m basically trying to encourage myself to summon the confidence and strength to leave this toxic mess… Tell me from your own experience how your kids were affected from your abuse. Because the kids are really what’s both making me stay and want to leave at the sane time. I’m worried about breaking up my family. They adore their dad and vice versa. Its killing me knowing what this will do to them if I leave, yet if I stay I know things get more intense for me. I’m already massively isolated from everyone except his family! Trying to do anything with the kids is awful because he always has an opinion. I always ask myself what would he say if I took the kids x,y,z
Even signing them up for classes is horrendous because it means I have to socialise which obviously I don’t think he wants. I’m afraid my kids will get isolated if I don’t get myself our of this situation. Yet I already can see their broken hearts if they know daddy isn’t going to live with us anymore.

Please tell me your own experience of staying for the kids. So I can gather some info and see what my future entails if I stick with this relationship. I was so young when I got together with him and things happened so quickly I sometimes cry for that younger me. I wish I knew what I know now to make me run for the hills, hence why I’m asking you lovely ladies for your advice as you have already lived it therefore you can tell me what life is like staying for the kids and how or if it affected them

[Eggshells]

Hi LittleRayofsunshine

I stayed for my kids. Although I knew that I was miserable in my marriage I didn’t understand it was abusive. If I had understood what was happening in our relationship, I may have made a different choice but who knows?

The positives of staying were that my children had a financially comfortable life. They got to travel and had a better education than they would have had if I’d moved away. We had some fun times as a family. I might have also said that they loved their Dad in a way, one of them still thinks he does but we always knew that we were happier when he wasn’t around.

The negatives. They grew up witnessing abusive behaviour that was normalised. As young adults, this has affected their relationships with girlfriends.

Children of abusers often end up in abusive relationships either as an abuser or a victim. Both my adult children had girlfrirnds who tried to control them through manipulation. One of my son’s exhibited copy cat behaviour for a while and I was really concerned that he would also turn out to be abusive. Things seem to have changed now that he is on his own path and becoming who and what he wants to be rather than who and what his father tried to make him.

Both of my children were controlled by their father. One of them was pushed so far down a path that he didn’t want to take that he became suicidal when he understood that his life just hadn’t been his own. He also experienced violence from his father on 2 occasions.

I was raised by an abusive parent. As an adult I can say that it scars you for life.

If you leave their Dad it won’t stop him from messing with their heads. It may even make things worse as he will likely try to manipulate them against you. However, after visits with him, they will have a stable and balanced mother to come home to and you would be giving them the very clear message that abuse is not OK and it’s not normal. That will serve them well in their adult lives.

[nbumblebee]

I have 3 kids (removed by moderator). i am still here after decades of being married.
My oldest has counselling for anxiety.
My middle is anxious and had problems with food which he is overcoming.
My youngest was badly bullied as he wont stand up for himself.
All 3 have anxiety worry lroblems that no child should have to deal with. Wby? Becuase i stay.
I will never ever forgive myself for what ive done to my kids never. If I could go back I would have left him whst they were young so they didnt suffer like they did. No matter how much you pretend they dont see or hear they do they really do.

[diymum@1]

my thoughts are the same leave now and when it is safe. i had a big gap between my kids with the first i stayed the second i got him out. ive done lots of reading on this subject now because my journey was catastrophic for me. My eldest walked straight into her dads shoes once he left. She tried to manipulate and abuse me in exactly the same way as he did. My youngest had anxiety with all of this but she is much more well rounded she will apologise if she is in the wrong etc etc the bottom line is research shows (and you probably already know this) mum and dad are the main people who will give their kids a ‘script’ for how they lead there lifes in the main in their relationships. my eldest victim blamed me said i was the problem for staying and putting her through his emotional abuse. watching me being emotionally abuse and passifying him. its a mistake to let children witness this, theres alot more to my storey but my youngest does not see her dad now at all. we are free. be good to turn the clock back id have left when my eldest was really young. with you saying he said you cant even say hello to the dads at school i eventually became like a prisoner in my own home. not a good experience and is so hard to think about but i really want you to know xx

you can do this i survived and im on my way to full heaing id say BUT its taken alot of work

luv diymum xx

[Wants To Help]

I left my abuser when my son was a toddler. I left because I didn’t want him growing up in a home where abuse was ‘normal’. However, his first childhood memory is of his dad hitting me, he can even recall where he was playing in the room and what with when it happened.

My son did have regular contact with his dad after we separated, the court ordered it. Over the years, my son visited his dad and saw abusive behaviour between his dad and the woman his dad was with at the time. Over the years his dad had more children, and on some visits, my son would protect his brothers.

When my son was a teenager he returned from a visit and thanked me for leaving his dad and taking him with me. He told me he has seen what his life would have been like if I’d stayed and that’s not a life he wanted. He felt guilty leaving his brothers in that situation.

Now he’s an adult he has nothing to do with his dad. His dad tried to control him and his decisions regarding education and employment. When my son decided to take his own path his dad got angry, and then rejected him completely when my son told him something he didn’t agree with.

My son has stayed in contact on a regular basis with his paternal grandparents and they have been a huge help in my life with childcare, we are still close to them. I am very lucky, (and apparently unique) that I am still close to my ex’s parents, but they supported me and recognised their son’s behaviour eventually and didn’t condone it. My son has had other male role models in his life and has grown up in to a decent young man. I made sure his home life after I left was a non abusive one.

I have worked with children who come from homes where they have lived with domestic abuse and most have troubles and issues because of this, if we can’t live with it and not be damaged then the same goes for our children.

If you are able to leave to protect yourself and the children then do it, you won’t regret it. Be free to be yourself again, being a friendly and outgoing person is not a crime, don’t let him stifle who you are because he’s jealous and insecure.

xx

[Bananaboat]

My teen suffers from anxiety and low confidence. They have feelings of rejection and never being good enough, things like ‘they’ll end up working in fast food’ stuck in the mind. I’ve seen living with abuse has massively impacted their friendships both how they experience friendships and cope with fallouts but also the loss of normal things like, can your kids have a sleepover while you live together? Since leaving the teen has struggled to accept having free movement in our home as they’ve felt ‘caged’ in their room by him not wanting them around evenings/weekends for so long.

My youngest is a toddler and when we lived together they behaved very differently to now we’re out. They were repressed at home but lashing out at nursery, the dad used the child in their games of control. I could tell the child picked up on the tension even at that age and adapted.

The most positive part of leaving is hearing them happy. They can laugh, they can even get angry without being told off. With space they can learn to see behaviours and what is right/wrong. You can enjoy holidays, relax on school holidays and look forward to birthdays and Christmas. They get a happier mum. Another big part that pushed me to go was that our kids only get one childhood and you only get to enjoy that childhood once, and I didn’t want all their birthdays/Christmas/holidays being negative memories. Added bonus has been losing contact with the abusive in-laws too. Good luck x

[Bananaboat]

Also as Eggshells said you will be a safe place they can return to after visiting their dad and process things with you as he’s highly likely to try to control them in some way. My ex has a child from previous relationship and between my ex and his parents that child has been bullied and controlled, things like not being allowed to even say ouch when they fall over, even when requiring hospital treatment.

Recently collecting my youngest from childcare they commented how they had fallen over, grazed their knee but not asked anyone for help and providers felt that was odd. Now I have the freedom to talk to my child, teach them it’s ok and speak freely to childcare – I couldn’t do that under his regime.

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