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So many emotions going round today.
He starting off being rude, aggressive, swearing at me, telling me its all my fault. He said I have had all week to sort this out and come to him to mend everything but Inhavn’t bothered. He is right..I havn’t. I have been civil though and kept the peace but I havn’t begged him to stay with me (thats whatbhe wants) but to be honest I don’t want to fix it. I am sick of living this way. I am sick of him dragging up the past from (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and always accusing me of cheating. He even questioned if I had really been tonwork this week as i have been leaving earlier ( I have been really busy so using anytime I can to get things done)
He then realised I think I wasn’t backing down of begging him to stay so he pulled the I can’t take this anymore – I want to end it all, I have nothing to live for while crying like a baby.
Then back to being argumentive because I said ‘i can’t live like this anymore’ and how unheathly this is. That every few months we will come back to this. He didn’t like that and has said he is going to write up a massive letter to send to my family and his so they know none of this breakup is his fault and lable me the bad one.
I just don’t know what to do?! I am so unhappy but don’t want this drama. It is all a mess. He is out for a few hours now so I have some kind of restbite.
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It’s all an emotionally abusive threat. Tell him to write that letter, put a pen and piece of paper on the table and offer to post it for him once he’s done it. I can guarantee you that he won’t write it. What he’s doing is trying to induce the fear in to you that he will ‘show the world how bad you are’ – and currently, you are believing it aren’t you?
Call his bluff.
The emotional threats of ‘ending it all’ – suicide threats, are a form of coercive control to get you to do something you don’t want to do. You don’t want to stay with him, but if he insinuates he may kill himself if you leave, well – you won’t leave will you! Or so he thinks.
Find out you local Crisis Team phone number. Next time he tries that trick, give him the number, tell him ‘sorry you feel that way, here’s a number for you to call to help you through these feelings’ or something like that. You need to disassociate yourself from his games, have responses ready for them. Once he realises this emotional b******t is not working on you he’ll try other tactics for sure, but whilst you believe these ones then he doesn’t need to go in to his reserve strategy.
I deal with the emotional suicide threats very frequently. I have also attended suicides. The ones I have attended have been quietly planned and they have told no one of their intentions because they didn’t want to be stopped. The ones that text their ex partners that they are going to do it and send a photo of a bottle of pills and a bottle of alcohol are the ones that are perfectly healthy when spoken to and have no intention of harming themselves at all. I reiterate, it’s all coercive control. Do not be blackmailed or held to this threat at all.
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I know Indon’t want to be with him..I know what he is doing, I know it isnall tactics for me to stay. He says will leave but i don’t think he actually will. He says he wants to hear me say it. Then he will leave. I am so scared of being on my own. I don’tbhave family close by they live all over the world (detail removed by Moderator) The unknown puts so much fear in me.
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What scares you about being alone? I am alone and I can do what I want when I want. I seek no ones permission or approval, I make my own plans, I enjoy my time alone too and the peace and quiet it brings. I read, I watch films, I garden, I go for walks. I control my own finances and budget. I have a small circle of close and trusted friends, although with Covid-19 I’ve not seen much of them lately. We go to the cinema, we meet for coffee or lunch/dinner, we have spa days/weekends.
Being alone does not mean you will necessarily be lonely.
Being alone offers up a whole new load of options to explore and grasp.
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If you want my opinion smallbutbrave, I don’t think he has any intention of going anywhere, not now and not in the future. He’s playing mind games with you. He’s literally threw every toy out of his pram this week, threatening to take your son, controlling where you can and cannot go and now he’ll end it all. Hmmm, very manipulative tactics here. My abuser has pulled all of those party tricks out of the bag too in the past. And you know what I’ve discovered! If you give him no response to his behaviour you will see the change. Don’t agree or disagree with anything, because either way he doesnt care, he only cares about gaining his control and power back over you! So now your actions will speak alot louder than your words.
Start putting your boundaries down and showing him that its enough now. Sleep in another room etc if you have to and be civil but in a business like way, don’t show any emotion at all. He’ll be waiting for you to slip up and that’s what feeds him. Make it so eventually he will want to leave. But unfortunately until his name is off that tenancy you are kind of stuck with him unless you’re wiling to go!
Keep a safe distance too and avoid being in a closed space with him. He will more than likely turn aggressive when he sees his super charms aren’t working xx
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I think what scares me most is the finacial side of things. I do work but only (detail removed by Moderator) hours a week so I would need to apply for UC. I knownthis sounds silly but I have never been in control of bills. When I moved from my mum and dads in was to live with him and he has paid all the bills since the start. He never wanted a joint account and even when Instarting working again (detail removed by Moderator) years ago he said he didn’t want me to have to worry about bulls abd rent. So everything is in his name. i know it isn’t hard to change all that but it just seems so daunting and overwhelming. where do I start. I have ised the benefits calulculater and I would be fine with UC top ups but still…It scares me shitless!
On the other hand actually being alone doesn’t worry me. I would be free and so so happy and do what I want wothout worry how he will react. That thought isnthe one thing that will most likely get me through.
He keeps saying this is all my fault and incouldnhave sorted this all and everything would be fine and because I am the way I am (softtouch) this kills me. Like him going back home and our son not seeing his dad. I really believe its all my fault and that hurts.
Because I havn’t given into him and laid low, sleeping in separate rooms etc it has backfired on me.
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I know what you mean about the financial side, it’s worrying but you will get help and it’s what you’re untitled to get. He’s put you in a position where you feel like you have to stay with him because of extra financial support and you’ll be feeling if he goes then he won’t help to provide for your son. And he probably won’t if he does leave but you can contact the csa, there’s help there too. And if you think he’s a good dad and you want your son to have contact then you can see if you can organise that through his family members etc or just indirect contact over the phone will still be keeping the contact with his dad.
Have you tried sleeping in your sons room? I’ve found this has worked for me and the only room in the house that I feel completely free and safe. Xx
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So your fear is actually based on an uncertainty of how to take care of the financial side of living alone.
Please don’t be scared. This type of FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
Some of the simple ways of tackling this could be to talk to a trusted friend or work colleague and tell them that you have separated and need some advice in financial areas of life.
Do you have your own bank account or is it a joint one? What account is your salary paid in to?
You need to apply for a bank account in your own name if you don’t have one, that is an essential thing. That way you control all of your money. Any UC and your salary, child benefit will be paid in to that.
Once you have a bank account sorted, you can set up Direct Debits for your bills to be paid each month. This can all be done online, all you need is your bank account number and sort code.
Likely outgoings each month will be rent, water rates, gas, electric, council tax, mobile phone, broadband, TV licence, contents insurance, car insurance. Optional outgoings could be Netflix, Sky TV, Spotify or other streaming services.
Some bills are better off being paid for yearly if you can afford them, such as insurance cover. They tend to add a little extra to the cost if you want to pay for them monthly.
Some websites compare prices of gas and electricity suppliers so you get the best deal, I always go to USwitch every year to get the best deal for my gas and electric and I change. I also use Go Compare to change my car and house insurance every year.
So, you ask where to start? Start with setting up a bank account in your own name, get a debit card and PIN for the cashpoint, then contact your HR department and ask for your salary to start being paid in to your new account and give them the details of it.
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Luckily I have all my own bank accounts, all my wages are paid to me. Thank god. I am really glad he didn’t want the joint account all those years ago.
He likes to throw it back in my face sometimes aswell about how he pays for everthing and he pay the rent not me …Well I did propose we had a joijt account but no of course he wouldn’t want that, that would mean one tactic he can’t throw back in my face the old ‘you have no say..I pay for EVERYTHING’ idiot
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It is great. This is the start of you putting your boundaries down. Xx
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