Telling people

[Janedoeissad]

The most important people in my life know I have left and why. They have all been amazing.

For some reason I find myself lying to people in work and pretending everything is “fine” and I’m still with him.

Anyone ever told their work colleagues they left? If so how much information did you give? They are a slightly gossipy bunch. So I’m worried I’ll be discussed outside my office. I also don’t want to be interrogated about why things ended. I hate lying though and I feel like the relationship still sort of “exists” and I don’t want that.

[KIP.]

It’s nobody’s business but you could say you’re taking a break from each other. That way there’s no awkward questions.

[Janedoeissad]

Yeah, my overriding thought is it’s none of their business.

However, I’ve moved area completely when I left. So I get asked general questions about things which no longer apply and for now I’m forced to lie as I’ve not said I’ve left.

I think I’ll either say what you have suggested or wait for someone to mention his name and then say we are not together and end any discussion before it starts.

Thanks KIP

[Freedomfighter]

I know how you feel, I just had to tell my boss. I felt very vulnerable after, but they were great with me. Very supportive. My immediate boss is male and I felt uncomfortable talking to him and asked my manager what I should say if I felt too stressed to come into work. She told me to say I’m sorry but I can’t work tonight I have personal issues to deal with the manager is aware of the problem That he didn’t need to know any more. I had trouble lying, but felt I couldn’t tell this solves my problems him either.

[Indiansummer]

Can totally relate to this: at first only my parents knew, then I told my best friend and only over some period of time I felt ready to tell my other friends, work colleagues etc. Although still I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with other people who I’m not that close.

I guess it’s the need then to answer questions and see the pity in people’s eyes…

[Shell]

I told my work. Not all the nitty gritty details, just the fact that I had left my husband because he was physically and mentally abusive and I’d finally realised that it wasn’t ever going to get better, I didn’t deserve it and that everything wasn’t my fault.
I am the only female in my office of over 150 people and so I didn’t want the men to think less of me professionally if I started panicking or getting upset. I was terrified to tell them as I’d convinced myself that they would think my husband’s actions were acceptable because they are men and would side with him. I was absolutely overwhelmed with the response I got. They were all so supportive and if I feel low they try there best to play tricks or be silly (if I’m really really low they know to give me space and let me put some music on). If I want to talk about it, they’ll talk about it; if I don’t want to talk, they wont press the subject. If anything, as scary as it was, it was the best decision professionally as if I needed time off, they helped move my work around and they were understanding if I needed to leave a bit early or was a bit late or lethargic or unenthusiastic! I also think that it was a good decision personally: because I’d convinced myself that being men, they’d agree with my husbands actions. By having everything single person that I told disgusted and shocked (and they all got very protective of me), it reaffirmed that my husbands actions were wrong. which is important to me, as it was hard to leave as I used to justify his behaviour to myself (obviously now I realise that this is a coping mechanism).

[Janedoeissad]

It’s so strange you should comment on this today She’ll as I told my manager I had ended my relationship today but that’s all I told her.

I think in time I might start telling my story but only when I am ready.

I mentioned to my manager that I’d only told her because I felt others in my office would gossip. So she’s leaving it to me to tell other people. This will be a good test to see if she can keep her word. I’m new in this office so I’ve not got the rapport you have yet.

Yours is such a positive story though. I’m
So glad it went really well for you. X

[Sunshine]

I have only recently opened up about my situ. I told my male boss who I get on really well with about (detail removed by Moderator) explained that my husband basically wanted to kill me. He said “aren’t men b******s” which wasn’t the reaction I expected but he said if I needed time off or support they would be there. Am still glad I told him though. Personally I think you can say but leave the details out. Especially if it effects your performance it will protect you. Good luck xx

[Shell]

I know I wouldn’t have gone through with leaving without work. My husband made everything difficult: from making me jump through hoops before he would sign any paperwork to sell the house, changing locks, taking me off the car insurance- the car I used to get to work, not paying his half of mortgage or bills so I had to pay for it all on my own, basically anything he could do out of spite. A few times I questioned myself, but work kept me going. It was my safe place and my happy place where I could switch off from home and just do something I knew I was good at. They were there for me and shared my joy when I finally sold our house and moved into my own one. Then about a year after being on my own I started to realise I was going downhill and wasn’t sleeping well, my manager ended up noticing certain behaviours and talked to me about it. At first I denied a problem (out of embarrassment and shame that I have no reason to feel like this now- I have my own place, I have lost weight, I’m meeting new people in exercise groups). I tried to tell myself I was being silly and to snap out of it. He mentioned in passing a few times if I needed help he could get me support. Eventually he sat me down properly and bought it up again- by this point I realised it wasn’t going away and my sleep had become even worse- amplifying the lows and bringing on more frequent panic attacks. This time I listened to him and he put me through the work employee assistance programme. They got me counselling, encouraged me to go to my GP. Its still early days for me. I’ve been on anti-depressants after the counsellor and the doctor explained why they thought they would help- I was very hesitant to go on them at first. My moods do still get low and I still get panic attacks. But I’m sleeping better now, and I recover quicker from an attack and seem to be able to pull myself out of a low mood in a matter of days rather than weeks. Without taking that first step and telling my work, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I don’t think the people who I work with daily, or the schemes available at work, will ever truly realised how much they saved me.

I wish all of you luck. Tell only those who you trust and who will be able to support you. Saying aloud about abuse can be the hardest thing. not even going into detail, just admitting to others you’ve been abused. But it can also be the catalyst for so much help and love and support. None of us are alone xx

[Author]

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