Textbook hoovering but I still believe him

[arandomname]

I left the country (Detail removed by Moderator) and am now staying with family.
I know I should have gone no contact but haven’t yet. He sent messages (Detail removed by Moderator) to me and my dad, tried calling my mom too. Told him to stop and I would try to call him today.
I called after he rang a few times and I ignored it. We talked for (Detail removed by Moderator) hours. There was no anger in his voice, I was sure there would be. He only apologised and wanted to understand what was going on. Keeps saying he wants to be the man I deserve and he will do whatever it takes. Says he didn’t realise just how much his behaviour was affecting me. Didn’t make any excuses, took all fault. Even called himself an abuser after I explained things to him. Said he has been lazy and had been taking me for granted, not a good enough boyfriend.
Is begging for another chance, saying that he understands that if he messes up on anything, I would break it off. Asked me what he could do in the meantime, what might help. I asked that he look for counselling for abusive men, that he give me acces to our investment account, and also to check his test results with his doctor because he is rubbish about looking after his health which always stresses me out.
He has already taken steps for all of those. Filled out an assessment for the (Detail removed by Moderator) (anyone have any experience with them?), sent me all the details for the account, and has set up a call with the doctor tomorrow.

Am I stupid and naive to believe that he might really get better? I have never tried to leave before, so don’t know if it’s just a manipulation or not.

He seems to understand my points about his unacceptable behaviour and has taken full responsibility. He sounds extremely upset about having made me get to the point of having to leave the country and be scared of him, and of making me miserable.

He is very intelligent and is very good at persuading people, very good at apologising if he needs to.

So confused. Would also feel stupid going back to him now that my family and some friends know how he’s treated me. They would never trust him now and I don’t know if I can either.

[lover of no contact]

Yes you’re right textbook hovering. Your mind and emotions will continue to be a mess as long as you have contact with him, as long as he manages to engage you. He’s tapped into your emotional thinking. You need to get back to logical thinking. This can only be done by No Contact. Head over heart needs to rule your decisions. He has done a classic abuser tactic/hoover and you have responded as he hoped. You spoke to him for (Detail removed by Moderator) hours he knows he is being effective. Remember he is a master manipulator and you because you are a good, kind and normal person are vulnerable to his manipulations. He is not a good, kind or normal person. He is cruel and nasty.

Remember this is the man who called you a b***h, a c**t, a dumb f**k and a man who shoved and punched you. That is the real him. He wants you back so he can hurt you again. He doesn’t want the bother of going out to look for another intimate partner to abuse. He’s spent a lot of time getting you where he can control you so he’s not going to let you go that easily. He’ll say and do what it takes to get you back with him.

Block him. Get a new number/phone. Google the No Contact rules for dealing with abusers.

Keep posting and especially if you feel you still have to keep taking his calls and reading his messages. We can try work through that with you. Its not easy to go No Contact but its the only way.

Contact with him weakens you and strengthens him. But conversely No Contact with him will strengthen you. Start now No Contact. Mark 1 on calendar for tomorrow and see if you can complete 30 days. Cold turkey on the contact with him is essential.

[KIP.]

Totally agree. He will say and do anything you want him to. Remember the cycle of abuse? Google that. If he truly respected you he would walk away and allow you to move on like any respectful relationship when it ends. These men have no respect and the only way is zero contact. Change your number and if contact continues then please inform the police. He is not your responsibility and you’re falling back into his trap of poor me, I need you to look after me and chase up my doctors appointment. He is not your responsibility. You will never get closure. Get your investment out quickly before he changes details himself. Don’t expect any closure as you will never get any. Please walk away now. Tell people of his continued contact and get your parents to threaten police involvement if contact continues.

[feelingnumb]

This sounds a lot like my situation at the moment. I’m also struggling walking away. We did separate for a few weeks and he pestered me and pestered me. Didn’t matter if I blocked him from everything he always found a way to get in touch. I got all the I can’t function without you, I’m miserable without you, I can’t sleep, I’m a mess. For a few weeks I was strong but then he wore me down and like you we spoke for hours on the phone and I bought in to everything and gave him another chance because I believed he could change because I thought oh my god he must love me cause he is chasing me and trying to win me back. For a couple of weeks the lovey dovey talk was actually a bit over bearing, constantly telling me how much he loves me how he wants to make me his wife have a family with me. Now it’s slowly going back to the way it was before. Turning everything round on me again, the controlling behaviour, making me feel like c**p basically. I might not be any use to you cause I’m struggling walking away. Just wanted to share my story cause it was so similar. Hope we both find some strength to move on and be happy xx

[Tiffany]

I got that too. Stayed a couple of months. He was clever. Changed his technique’s. Turned up the guilt, turned down the violence and insults. The thing that didn’t change was that everything was still my fault. Sure, he would admit he had acted badly. But give it a day or two, and he would be pointing out how so made him act the way he had. It wasn’t ever actually his fault. It was his culture. Or it was his mental health. Or his family. These men just don’t change. Especially if they know that you will put up with it. And nothing proves you will put up with it better than going back. I learned that the hard way…

I am glad you are safely away, and I can only reiterate the others advice. Cut all contact. Absolutely don’t talk on the phone with him. It is the easiest way for him to manipulate you. In writing it is easier to see his inconsistencies. It’s easier on you to have no contact with him at all though.

[dustypink]

As I read, these people neve change.
They are just not able to love or to empathize or for self-sacrifice. They are just different than we are.
They feel pain and emptiness inside – but only when they lost their comfort over you. That’s why they are ready to do everything to get you back.

[Sunflowersandstars]

I don’t believe they can change- I listened to this and believed it numerous times and felt bad for him if he cried and apologised etc saying he couldn’t control it. Begged him to get help and he did- AFTER I left. But before it came to that he went to the doctors and was referred to mental health, even went to a stress management class, these things didn’t help him. He only ever put effort in if he could see I was giving up, as soon as things settled he went back to his usual. I often think of all the times they claim to love- if I thought I was mistreating someone I loved I would love them enough to remove myself from their life, not continue to abuse them. Be strong and think of the worst times- can you go back to that? I would recommend zero contact so you can clear your head, you don’t owe him anything, you deserve to be loved and treated well.
SaS

[Anabela]

I don’t think that men like that can change. But they would do anything to convince you they can.
I moved countries because i tried to end the relationship. He followed, he begged for another chance. How convincing he was and how much i wanted to believe him. But the longer i took to make up my kind, the less patient he got. And i realised that he might not hit me again (though thats a question but at least that something he agreed on), but he would manipulate me making me believe i am crazy and people around me dont care about me. And i would never make him see that this kind of behavior badly affects me.

After text book hoovering phase, there is always tension building and abuse following. I know its very hard to resist being hoovered back in especially after your first attempt to leave. But if you take him back he will turn it against you. Mine was actually trying to make me feel guilty (oh poor him) that i did not want to move in with him which made him assault me and then ruin his record with police.

[White Rose]

I’m right in the thick of it at the moment too and I’m long out of the relationship!
It’s hard not to be dragged into believing, but no contact really makes a difference. I’ve had the bliss of no contact for quite a while and believe me it works. I’ll get it back again once my current requirement for contact ends and next time it will permament – whether this chapter of my journey ends in a good way or not.
It’s a new month today. Make a new start. He won’t change but you can make a change to make things better for you x

[Author]

Posts