Thank you

[SunshineRainflower]

I am feeling a bit low because I have been ill all week and haven’t left the house for about 5 days, I can’t even remember when it was. I had a cough, cold, sore throat and fever and could barely get up out of bed but am feeling better now, just exhausted and low. I wonder if it’s partly a blessing in disguise because I think if I’d been well this week leading up to Christmas I think my mood would have been even lower by now because I would have been thinking about other people enjoying happy times with loving partners, people with lots of good friends, people who have children when I am yet again single and childless. I also knew it would be difficult as around this time is when I first met my ex and I remember enjoying the date, thinking how cute he was and how polite he was and how I liked his clothes (sounds silly but overall he came across as this perfect boyfriend and I remember feeling so relieved to meet him after dating men before him who didn’t even have good basic hygiene etc)

In many ways I feel a bit like I am returning to that moment when we met but this year I am choosing the right path, the one where I say ‘thanks but no thanks’ and decline a second date, the one where I am not with him, the one where I put myself first instead, work on my business and don’t end up down a confusing rabbit hole of abuse.

I’m a bit worried about Christmas because I am spending it with my immediate and extended family and this year I realised a lot of my ex’s behaviour was familiar due to them. A lot of them seem to like mocking/teasing me and have done for years and I always just thought it was normal/that I had to put it with it. I just have no tolerance for it now, I hate it actually. I have one really nice cousin who is kind and gentle and talented and who never mocks me so I will focus on talking to him and his children who are also nice, and one of my aunties is like him too. I am getting on better with my parents now that I don’t live with them and they brought me round food and supplies when I was too ill to go to the shops. I still feel confused about them but I will tackle it when I find a good counsellor. And at least I have my own place now so can come home whenever I want and apart from a few hours won’t be trapped for days with anyone.

I started worrying about affording my place. I am on benefits due to my mental health but want to start working again. I did two work shifts this month and unfortunately caught this bug on only the second shift! I literally worked for 3 hours and then was ill in bed for a week. It makes me worry about my health and how I can work enough to afford to keep myself because I struggle with migraines, panic attacks, depression and I tend to get more ill than usual when I catch a bug due to having glandular fever when I was young. I really hate our system the way we are all expected to work long hours just to pay for things. I don’t see why time in work should equal money, I have quite a different viewpoint on it and think governments should look after all of us to the basic level and we should all be able to work if we want to earn more, kind of like the model set by Buckminster Fuller. Because this system benefits only people who are healthy, exroverted and have a lot of energy and there are a lot of people who aren’t like that but I don’t see why they should suffer.

I have a creative business and it is still my dream to do that to support myself, but I have found engagement on social media has massively dropped since a certain site introduced a new algorithm this year and now my posts don’t seem to get seen much. I am still going to keep trying regardless, and hope I can find a manageable part time job that covers my bills until I start earning from it. I won’t give up.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you here, this forum has helped me so much this year. I have never felt judged or misunderstood or disbelieved or mocked here and that is worth gold. I hope all of you can stay as safe, warm and well as possible in your individual situations this Christmas and in the end, it is just one day and if you are still stuck with an abuser, we can help you plan to escape so next year you can be free of him.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and thank you again 🙂

[KIP.]

Hey, sorry you’re feeling poorly. Everything seems worse somehow when we are physically unwell but I know what you mean about keeping out the way when we feel low. I also know exactly how you feel about friends and family now I see how abuse works. I just didn’t see it until I discovered my ex was abusive. Keep your distance from these people and if you feel yourself getting triggered then use your sort throat and fever as an excuse to leave. There’s always next year when you’re stronger. Happy Xmas too 🎅🏽

[Anewbreath]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, I’m sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I hope you are better soon. I feel like I totally understand your position. I too am sick right now. I returned home for the holidays, since i returned i got stung in one foot, banged up the next so it is black and blue and contracted the flu. My chest is killing me. I may have to go to the hospital if i dont start improving.. But perhaps there is a silver lining in this in that i get to stay home away from the xmas festivities… The dinner and the socializing with people who constantly tease.. While expecting me to be some kind of superhero that smiles and endures all of it. I am grateful I dont have to go.. Yippee
I was feeling a bit low. But recognizing that silver lining seems to have made things a bit better. Other than my counselor this is the only other place I have where i feel understood. Thanks so much to everyone here.. And i hope tomorrow is a peaceful day for everyone 🙂

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you KIP and Anewbreath. I have been thinking about my family and in particular struggle with my brother, who my ex pointed out was exactly like him. I had this awful epiphany when I had just escaped my ex that all these abusive men I have dated (about 3 with my recent ex being the scariest) all reminded me of my brother.

I don’t think my brother is a psychopath like I believe my ex is, but he has been horrible to me my whole life which has caused a certain amount of damage and desensitized me to being abused. I have been thinking about the different types of behaviour he uses that upsets me. He seems to know exactly what to say to hurt me, whilst somehow ALWAYS casting himself in the role of the saint whilst I am always made to look like this bad/wrong/stupid/selfish/lazy/immature disappointment of a daughter in front of the family.

For example a few years ago, I offered to cook us all a big roast dinner on New Years Day, something my mum had always done and I offered to do it instead that year. Traditionally we had always eaten it around 1pm and there had never been any issues before. The year I did, it, when I was in the kitchen preparing, my brother went out. 1pm arrived and he was still out, I didn’t understand and didn’t want to serve up til he was there but it was the kind of food that is best served straight away. I texted and rang him and no reply. My mum as usual didn’t want my brother to be blamed for anything and she went to find him. About two hours later they both turned up. Apparently my brother had gone to see a man he had just met who was on his own and had stayed chatting to him ‘so he wouldn’t be alone’ or something. Mum had decided to stay too. They turned up and mum sang my brother’s praises saying wasn’t it wonderful he wanted to help this man. I basically said that was all well and good, but why go when he knew I was making a big family meal? It made absolutely no sense to me and seemed designed to hurt me. Not only did none of them apologise, they acted like I was the bad person! The only person who agreed it was poor form was my dad, who seems less taken in by my brother although he is not a great dad in other ways as I have mentioned on here. They ate it together and I ate my in my room crying, and I have never made a roast dinner since.

Another time he randomly called me fat at the dinner table in front of my parents and his very thin girlfriend. At the time he had become very underweight due to running marathons and I was just a normal weight, but even if I had been fat it was super harsh and cruel to do that, and yet again, my parents just looked away.

One year he came back for Christmas in a foul mood and when I suggested we watch a film he told me not to expect him to play happy families and then him and my parents all disappeared into their rooms for a 4 hour nap leaving me alone with the Christmas tree on Christmas day, I felt so f*****g depressed.

He acts like a martyr because I have a cat and he is allergic, and uses this to scold me and act like he is this saint of a brother putting up with a rubbish, selfish sister. Often my cat has been banished from rooms and he acts really grumpy and irritable about her while I love her and to me she is part of my family. I understand he is allergic but he just uses her as another way to hurt me and make me look and feel bad.

I’ve realised that he even gaslights, for example for years he used to LOVE christmas music and used to blast it out from his room, then one year when he came home and I was playing it he told me to turn off the obnoxious music and when I said ‘but you have always loved Christmas music’ he glared at me in disgust and said that he DESPISED it. It was very confusing and made me feel foolish and embarassed about playing and liking this music.

He seems to either be in a foul mood and somehow finds a way to blame me for it and makes me out to be this bad, selfish awful person OR he is the life of the party and then starts ‘jokingly’ teasing and mocking me and if I protest I am yet again cast as the trouble maker who ruins all the fun. And the worst part is my mum and extended family all adore him! He can apparently do no wrong. He is good looking and charming and has always had a fan club. I feel sorry for his exes as he has cheated on every single one of them and no doubt treated them horribly and again my mum seems to blank out that he cheats all the time, she always just seems to either look up to or feel sorry for him.

I rang my mum earlier to plan tomorrow and as usual she has gone into ‘screw you, your brother is here’ mode and said she wanted to go on a big walk up a mountain tomorrow which of course being ill I can’t do. It felt very cold of her. We have agreed to just go to the park instead but part of me just thinks ‘what’s the point.’ She is awful when my brother is around, she becomes his biggest fan and no matter how awful he is to me in her eyes he can do no wrong. Being ill isn’t helping as it means I don’t have much energy to deal with all of this, and I’m worried what trick my brother will use this year. I guess the less time spent with him the better and thankfully he will go home soon. It feels sad because I’d used to love my brother but since my ex I can see that a lot of his behaviour is abusive so I see him differently now and can’t go back to wanting his approval anymore which I have done for years.

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