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    • #134246
      gettingtired
      Participant

      I’ve had a horrible night of it. He’s been drinking which has made it worse but he has also contacted one of my family members which has upset me the most. I haven’t disclosed the abuse to them so they’re very confused about what’s going on. He’s telling them another story about me whilst I’m too ashamed to tell them how abusive he is to me. I know if I do they’ll just pressure me to leave and worry more about me. I can’t tell them whilst I’m still with him.

      He is so evil when he’s in abuse mode, it’s like this hateful, evil look I can see in his eyes. It freaks me out. My heart has been pounding all night and I’m super anxious from what he’s put me through. Tomorrow I’ll probably be back to feeling sorry for him though. If he’s back to normal with me then I’ll be feeling trapped again. It’s like I can only contemplate actually leaving when he’s being vile. Sorry just had to rant on here x

    • #134247
      Redpanda123
      Participant

      Don’t apologise, this is what the forums are for. Abusers confuse us and purposely to keep you on guard and disoriented. I’m fairly new to these forums. I had childhood abuse, neglect, which impacted my relationships as I had 3 further possibly 4 abusive relationships. What you learn becomes your normality. I’ve had several years of therapy and am back again as a recent short term relationship showed a lot of red flags. I have unresolved trauma. Again I questioned these. It’s a long road healing. But you need to look after yourself.Contact women’s Aid, they can give you details of your local DA centre. Read the dominator by Pat Craven. I read the freedom project, which shows other behaviours and red flags I wasn’t aware of. If you can visit your GP to get this behaviour and how it affects you recorded. Start only if it’s safe to journal his behaviour. I’ve read a lot on the forums, leaving is a process, when you’re ready and sometimes takes many attempts. But you need to start a plan with your safety and we’ll being in mind. Lots of lovely ladies on here will give you some great advice too. Take care.

    • #134262
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      I’m so sorry you’ve had a bad night, I know that look, I can feel the knot of anxiety in your chest too, and I know what you mean about feeling sorry for them/letting it slide the next day so you have an easy life again. I don’t have an answer for you, for me it’s really helped keeping a log and that way I know I’ve not made it up and it reminds me how awful I felt at the time. I used to blame the drink & drugs but have read so much that says it’s not. Not every person that drinks does this, he’s choosing to intimidate you and drink light loosen his inhibitions and give him a convenient’oh I was drunk’ type excuse but know he’s choosing to do this and wants your reaction. You’re on a journey and at some point you’ll reach your breaking point, where enough is enough. That’s different for all of us. I hope today is a better day for you xx

    • #134265
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      On the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. There is a really good part about how abusers are not actually angry, why should they be angry? It’s only what they want you to believe. But actually they are very controlled.
      Yes definitely journal, also make sure you write how you feel. For a long time I had only written down what he did. But reading back you can’t remember how it impacted you and it doesn’t sound so bad. What your feeling is extremely important to write down.
      xx

    • #134269
      iliketea
      Participant

      That is SO true what @eyesopening has said, I remember once experiencing this with him, then someone knocked at the door and he was all smiles and jokes with them, it was so dark. Really opened my eyes to the controlling nature of the abuse.

      • #134271
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        That’s interesting,
        this made me think, slowly after leaving, the puzzle pieces fit together and I start to realize things.
        My ex was very adaptable, if he spoke to one person from a certain area, or way of life, he would adapt himself to mirror this person, his accent would change, his whole body language would change.
        I remember saying to him: ‘I didn’t like it, can’t he just be himself?’
        He told me: ‘it’s because in his line of work, that’s just what you do.’
        I do remember him on the phone, he would be one type of character to one person, like speak really loud and fast on the phone, then the next call he would talk slowly and calmly on the phone to another person.
        It always bugged me, I didn’t understand why.
        x*x

      • #134501
        M1dn1ght
        Participant

        They are messed up in that way or just very good at pretending. I had so many situations like this, after he left me with bruised, crying, he would go to the next room call his friends, talk to them all happy and laughing, then when he’s bored again would come back to abuse me more.

    • #134499
      M1dn1ght
      Participant

      OH I do understand you so much. My family doesn’t know anything too. I don’t know if it’s either I am ashamed or because I am scared that they will say something to him or try and text me or say something over the phone while he’s with me and it will just cause another outburst of aggression.
      That look you are talking about, it is scary, I remember I looked him in the eyes once when he was on top of me on the floor chocking me. I have never seen such a hateful, cold look in anyones eyes ever in my life. But I will never understand why I used to ‘forget’ about all these times whenever he’s acting all nice to me the next day, I would same feel sorry for him and probably blame myself, thinking it was my fault that he was so angry.
      Now any time I see or hear that somebody else ruins his mood, my whole body starts to shake visibly and after all this abuse I’m starting to get panic/anxiety attacks over the smallest little things. It is so scary to live this way, when you never know what to expect, especially when that person can switch from being nice to literally wanting to kill you in 3 seconds.

    • #134511
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Ahhh sweetie hope you are feeling a bit better today? I had this too i got that feeling that if the kids werent about (mine are older kids) then we would most definatly hurt me his eyes glaze over and he has such anger and hate for me in hjs face its shocking. I dont know why he gets like this why they get like this.
      I really do think you need to reach out to womans aid or similar try and get some support out there he wont get any better he aont change so you will need to arm yourself against him and you cant do that alone.
      Do what you can to stay safe and well sweetie and hang on in there. Sending hugs xx

    • #134515
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Hello Gettingtired

      I am sorry to read this. I can imagine how hurt you must feel about him speaking to a family member. Would it be worth opening up to this family member about exactly what is happening to you? They could become a good source of support for you? I do know what you mean about the evil look and I have taken advice from what the ladies are saying above. I do also find thesedays that when he is at his worst (usually after drinking) it actually fuels my determination to leave, and enables me to become just that bit more detached emotionally from him, which is a good thing in helping me build strength to one day leave. I really hope you have a better day today. Sending a virtual hug 🤗 xx

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