That feeling won’t go away

[Anonymous]

Hi all, I am still doing things everyday to teach myself why I can’t go back to him. But the feeling just won’t go away. It feels like no matter what I do it’s just there. Waiting to come out. And I have to do so much to suppress it. I can’t keep doing all of this forever. I don’t feel like I am letting go. And it’s like I feel like I don’t want it to go away. It sounds awful but it’s like I don’t want it to be over, but I am pretending that I do. I feel like I am faking it until I make it, but it doesn’t feel like I’m gonna make it anytime soon. I feel so far away from genuinely not wanting to be with him x

[maddog]

You’re normal. You want everything to be ok. We get caught in the web and it feels impossible to get out. I was caught in the web for many years, decades.
Please call Women’s Aid for support. They changed my life.
If you’re not ready yet to move on, keep a diary. Get a pay as you go burner phone.
It’s ok to feel as you do. Baby steps. Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. It’s ok to take your time.

[Anonymous]

Hello, thank you for your message. Thank you for saying its okay to take my time because I feel like my family and friends think I should be past it by now therefore I am trying to pretend that I am. Baby steps rather than checking off a rigid list of things I should do each day is my take away from this I think. I am receiving support at the moment but the balls not really rolling yet so hopefully when that gets going it will be a big help to me xx thank you x

[Ariadne]

Hi @abcdefg,

Oof, how I get you. I know that feeling well. This was worse when I was no contact with my ex, since all the memories, even the bad times, had a rose tint. Everything would remind me of him, and it was difficult to go a day without imagining how things would be different if he was with me.

It didn’t take me long after getting back in contact with him to realise that the bad that showed again was just putting me back in that traumatised space.
I don’t think you want to go there. Think of your inner child – what would she tell you? Would you let you as a little kid go back there?

It takes time… and a lot of strength to face this kind of desolation. But set a time for yourself every day or every week to journal or to go within and connect with what you want for your life.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ariadne, thank you for your message. If I was a little kid I think I’d pick her up and fly her half way across the world so she didn’t go back haha! I’d want to protect her from him so I am not sure why I do not want to protect myself now. Seeing it this way is helpful, takes the emotions out of it I suppose x Awful for you but helpful for me to see what happened when you did get back in contact 🙁 Traumatised space is a good way of seeing it because it’s like an all encompassing feeling I suppose, like going back to the darkness, not just a specific behaviour. They just automatically feel you with dread and worry. Take over your head x thank you for your guidance x

[Author]

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