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    • #125749
      True2myself
      Participant

      Hey everyone, can’t really believe I’m posting this but how do you cope with the 1sts.

      It’s his birthday soon and I get him things from kids and ill be getting a card without my name on it. He’s gonna be sad. (I know) first birthday without us. Then we have my birthday and kids birthday then Christmas. Kinda making me confused what to do.
      Do I get him things from kids, they are old enough to get own gifts but their anxiety means I do things like that for them

    • #125782
      Darcy
      Participant

      Hi beautiful Angel …True2myself,
      I think it is an interesting point what you write about 1st’s and something that we all go through, so well done for posting.
      I left my ex just before Christmas so when Christmas came I just said a little prayer for him & his son and wished them happy Christmas. I sent him my love from a far, but this was nothing that I wanted to be part of anymore.
      If you feel you need to do something, write him a card but then burn it to disperse the energy and break the cords.
      Like you say your kids are old enough to get their own gifts and you are not doing them or yourself any favours by doing things like this for them. Teach them some life skills and to think for themselves and if they want to get him a gift that is up to them and their responsibility.
      I would suggest that when your birthday comes around you give to yourself all the love that you ever craved from him and buy yourself something using the money you would have spent on him for his birthday… love and honour yourself.
      These 1st’s do pass and soon the dates will roll round and you wont even remember it’s their birthday and if it is you won’t care… I promise.
      Sending you continued love and support
      Darcy xx

      • #125857
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you, that’s a really good idea. I guess my sorry was he will see my name not there and get unpredictable. He would be all over the place and I dunno I don’t want a backlash

      • #125863
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi True2myself,

        My ex is unpredictable and I worry about backlashes too. (detail removed by moderator) after we separated my children chose something for him that I bought. And he sent it back saying he didn’t want anything from me. The children were hurt because they chose the present. After that I decided not to engage in any form of communication with him. They will use anything to hurt or control you. Even our lovely children.
        I also had the same thing with my children. One often didn’t want to visit their father, and their father would constantly contact the other child to try and relay messages. The messages were always some sort of guilt trip. Be careful with the one who is being used as the middle man. They seem to be more vulnerable to abuse. I wish I had my eyes opened more. Don’t doubt your instincts. I know that can be hard when you might have been trained by your ex not to listen to yourself.
        You’ve made it far. Well done. Best wishes! Xx

      • #125866
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you. Your so right. The one who he sends the messages through was his biggest supporter when abusing me. She was his go to.

    • #125800
      KIP.
      Participant

      It sounds harsh but cut all ties and that includes birthday cards and any other form of contact. It does get easier. Remember it was his behaviour and he chose that behaviour that has taken you here. It’s good to start as you mean to go an and do nothing. It’s upto the kids if they choose to remember but perhaps now they realise what a horrible nasty person he is and will choose not to have contact so don’t do anything on their behalf. Don’t force contact. They need to know the right thing to do is not to allow abuse to happen. It’s teaching them good life skills x

      • #125858
        True2myself
        Participant

        I think my son sees this now. He isn’t happy to talk to him on the phone and things like that. Now bail lifted off my son didn’t answer his calls, he contacts my daughter to tell him to answer call. Kinda stressful

    • #125806
      Living Warrior
      Participant

      I have offered to get my children cards or gifts to send to their dad (they arnt old enough to buy them) but are old enough to write or decide for themselves. they have always chosen not to. I respect their choice and always make sure they know they can if they wish to. its THEIR choice. I have had friends and even my own family members have issues with not sending something, but at the end of the day, these men were abusive. Children dont forget no matter how small, they have their own right to choose. 🙂 i hope this helps.

      • #125859
        True2myself
        Participant

        Thank you, it helps greatly. Its all really weird that everything stops after such a long time. Especially when it wasn’t my fault.

    • #125903
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s now manipulating your daughter and driving a wedge between her and her brother. This is how abusers work.

      • #125907
        True2myself
        Participant

        Yes and I actually see that. She takes phone to him and he moans at her so then they bicker. It’s really stressful getting him to talk to his dad. I just don’t think he’s interested. I’ll mention to social worker again

    • #125904
      KIP.
      Participant

      They cause hurt and chaos in families and sit back and enjoy watching the harm they cause.

    • #125916
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’d remind your daughter to respect the wishes of her brother. He has a right to be free from abuse. Remember they’ve both seen his treatment of you and perhaps don’t fully understand how abusive it is. The abuse became normal to them too. My ex sent my son round to challenge me over the restraining order and he became angry when I wouldn’t back down, that’s because he was having to face his dad having failed in his task so do doubt your daughter feels the same.

    • #125922
      Eggshells
      Participant

      I think you’d be sending very mixed messages to all involved if you bought cards and presents on the children’s behalf. It could send a message that you still care enough and all parties could interpret that as a sign that you might consider going back. You are dealing with an abuser and he will be sure to twist the significance of such an act to cause turmoil which he can use to his advantage an your detriment. xx

      • #125926
        True2myself
        Participant

        Yeah I understand, just know he’s not gonna be happy and I’m so sick of this life as I’m trying to keep everyone and myself safe. Just want left alone

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