The after effects

[she-ra]

Hi lovely ladies so am sitting at nearly (detail removed by Moderator) free and it’s just started to hit me. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I actually physically ache all over and feel like I’m wading through molasses with every movement. I don’t necessarily feel low mood wise I just feel exhausted. How long does this last for? Thanks so much x*x

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends, but I’ve been out (detail removed by Moderator) months and the exhaustion is only just starting to leave me and I’m sleeping at last x

[EbonyRaven]

Hi I think it was at least a fortnight of eating a quick meal after work and just going to bed as early as possible before I even began to feel awake in any real sense of the word.

Everyone is different of course, so no matter how long it takes, try to eat healthy and take care of yourself as a priority.

I will pass.

[KIP.]

Hi, for me I felt euphoric for a couple of weeks then it all hit me like a bus. I was told it’s because when our brain feels safe it begins to work through the abuse we have suffered, now it has headspace to work through it. When we are with an abuser, all of our headspace is taken up trying to stay safe leaving no room for logical rational thinking. Another reason why we find it so hard to break free. In my experience, it’s important to force yourself to eat, that horrible sick knot in your stomach puts us off food but push past that. You need sustainance for body and mind. Eat, hydrate with lots of water and get as much sleep as you can. Minimise all other outside stress and don’t take on anything new. No favours for others at the moment. Then, most importantly, absolutely zero contact. If you have kids, get a solicitor or third party to act as a buffer. Be very kind to yourself and seek out good counselling. Keep posting. Well done x

[she-ra]

Thanks so much ladies. I was doing ok then I got a message from a friend who I recently started confiding in to say she’s reported it to the police. I feel sick, I feel betrayed and like she’s taken my choices away just like he did. I just needed time to get done head space and get his stuff out before I spoke to the police. This is not what I wanted. I am now petrified that the police are either going to come and take my babies away or arrest him and then release him and he’ll be well and truly ready to kill me then. I don’t know what to do and now she won’t speak to me. I kick myself for being so stupid I knew I should never have told anyone xx

[KIP.]

No one is going to take your babies from you. You’re doing the right thing by protecting them from your abuser. My advice is to cooperate with the police and show them you’re doing everything in your power to protect your children from him. I was shocked when the police got involved but it was the best thing that could have happened. They took control and got him out my life, I was so traumatised I was frozen into inactions that would have made everything so much worse. Abusers thrive on our silence and perhaps your friend can see terrible danger where your abuse is clouding your judgement just like it did mine.

[Cheesequeen]

Hi she-ra. Your reaction is completely normal. I had the hit by the bus period pretty much as soon as I realised what was happening. Terrible panic attacks so severe I genuinely thought it would never pass. I didn’t sleep or eat. The only way I could describe it was as though I hadn’t actually lived through everything he’d done and just experienced everything all at once. Your mind is only just starting to process what you have been through. It will take time and it will be very frightening, but it will confirm that you are right and you will survive.
Phoning the Police must be making your head spin but you can take the control in that situation. Maybe someone from your local women’s center will be an advocate for you and attend any interviews. I hope you get some sense of safety soon Xx

[Lightness]

To reference Cheesequeen:

‘I had the hit by the bus period pretty much as soon as I realised what was happening’ – yep, me too. I could barely stand up. Somehow I got the strength to get out.

‘I didn’t sleep or eat’ – thankfully I did sleep and eat – a lot! I was eating and eating and the weight was just falling off of me because of the stress of living with him and finally realising the scary reality.

‘The only way I could describe it was as though I hadn’t actually lived through everything he’d done and just experienced everything all at once.’ – wow I love this – this is exactly how it felt. Once I got to safety I completely fell apart. I’m normally very together but I just let it all go – which is what I needed to help me get through and start to recover.

The early days are so hard and scary, but you WILL get through it. It’s been a good while for me now. Leaving was the best decision I ever made.
Be kind to yourself and get a lot of rest – it’s not surprising you’re exhausted.

[diymum@1]

i had that same knot in my stomach for weeks, where youre nauseated and cant eat or drink. You do eventuallly have to, i waited until i felt faint. I neglected myself, walked for miles aimlessly with my daughter still in a push chair, i lost about two stones in weight and was quite anorexic by this point. It did get easier though and i did start to put myself back together bit by bit – still not altogether as yet but getting there.

Your friend shouldnt have taken that choice away from you – that is scarey to be thrown in like this when your not ready. You may actually thank her one day though – as the advice above says look the authorities in the eye and tell them the exact truth, write it down if it helps. I always feel that i cant get the words out because i start to get breathless through sobbing! dont worry about loosing the kids- you wont but do document all of this with your gp as soon as you can xx much luv diymum

[Queenie]

Please can someone help me to understand. The realisation that my oh has been emotionally abusing me for many years has been a massive shock. My emotions are lurching up and down. I understand that I am probably greiving . No one seems to understand why I am feeling a terrible sadness and they think I should be pleased that my marriage is ending and setting me free. At the moment I have got a feeling of such anger. I have never before in my life had anger such as this. I know that I should be using that anger to motivate me to get out but without it completely overwhelming me. Please can anyone tell me what I should be doing to ensure it doesn’t come out at the current time. What can I do with it x*x

[diymum@1]

ive been looking at recovering from this – what ive read is that we have to embrace our feelings. i dont think we really understand our emotions – were taught to suppress them. crying/sobbing is supposed to be really therapeutic and a release so is anger as long as its in a controlled way. i think the secret is to let it out – so punch bag good run – scream into a pillow. sounds daft but apparently letting our motions out riding it through and coming out of it feeling relieved is us healing xx im only just learning how to do this because its taking ages!! for me xx hope your ok love diy mum xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Queenie, anger directed inwards as we know causes us to become ill. Now you are free to release it but are still maybe afraid to do so. Trying to keep a lid on it will only result in it being directed at the wrong people. Making bread is very therapeutic, all that kneading and bashing the dough. So is breaking old crockery. What about getting a loan of a treadmill or using one at your local sports centre. This is not an easy journey, it makes us face things and things in ourselves we’d rather not.
Best wishes IWMB 💕

[Queenie]

You are right I think about letting it out which is probably why I have the urge to scream and shout at him. I need to listen to what my mind is telling me to do. I is hard to do aftrr years of being told that my perceptions are wrong xx

[diymum@1]

as long as you do it in a healthy way that way you know youve done nothing wrong in yourself(so no guilt) you feel angry and thats to be expected because you have good reason to be xx love diymum xx

[Iwantmeback]

I have often screamed and keened(it is an actual word) in my car or in the middle of my living room with just my dogs For company. It is an amazing stress reliever. It’s just not on for us to get angry with them, we’re crazy, unhinged. It’s never because of his behaviour is it?
You are not alone in feeling like this, best wishes my friend💞
IWMB 💕💕

[Peacethroughhealing]

So many things that have been said here are how I have felt. For weeks She-ra I was absolutely exhausted. I lost over a stone in weight as I couldn’t eat. I knew I needed to for strength but I felt physically sick. I didn’t sleep either. This all happened when it hit me that what he was doing was abusive, when things started to get worse and the lovely man that he portrayed himself to be had gone. What a shock and how devastated I felt as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and above all I trusted him and told him personal things that I found difficult to share with anyone. I am now in an angry phase, raging at what he’s done to me, me letting him in to my heart and soul and him destroying that. We are still in touch and I absolutely agree with everyone here when they say that no contact is the best way forward. I have had low points recently and contacted him when I shouldn’t have. In a way I have him at a distance though and I will never feel the same way about him as I did.

[diymum@1]

The only way to heal and move forward is to get him out of your life, your heart and your soul. Keep reminding yourself this is YOUR life you have to think about now, forge ahead and see what lies ahead. A better life, if you envisage that you’ll do this, I know it. Ke going no contact is the only way forward, don’t look back x*x 💪 💕 💕 love diymum.

[she-ra]

Hello lovely ladies,

Thank you all so much for all your support. I am so sorry for being quiet on here, it all happened so fast and I was trying to keep my head above water at work. I am on a short break from work which has been so needed for me and the children. I am pleased to say that we are still free – yipee! I am getting stronger each day I think. We are no contact bar 2 phone calls for him to collect things from the house when we were not here. No contact is definitely the best way for me, it makes me stronger and it feels like a lifetime ago yet it is only a few weeks. We are taking back ownership of our house (I’ve gone a bit Mrs Hinch mad!) But I’m loving it. After years of not being allowed to clean, hoover, tidy, organise etc unless he said so it is bliss! I am a very organised person and I’ve been in my element sorting my cupboards into organised tubs (how sad I know!) Think it’s helping to keep me occupied and make me stronger. The children are doing really well, they haven’t asked for him or about him once. We finally have peace. Peace and quiet and we love it. We can use the whole house now instead of having to live upstairs and hide away from him. There’s no screaming, shouting, swearing, name calling and no violence. I should have done this years ago. I completely understand where my friend was coming from wanting to protect, support and help me. We have spoken since and I completely understand. I also feel that until you’ve lived this life you will never truly understand it: the living with it, the surviving it, the years it takes to leave or the whole journey. To outsiders it seems so easy and so black and white, which we all know sadly it isn’t.

I definitely have swings of emotions. Some days, like today, I am strong and absolutely fine. Other days I will feel lower and sad at what could have been. Like what lots of you are talking about I am so mad at him for what he’s done to our family. We have the most amazing and beautiful children, I have a good job, we could have had the most wonderful life, I loved him so much I’d have done anything for him, and did. So like you all I do get sad about the what ifs, but I know deep down that the boy I love, the one I’ve been waiting to come back for decades is not real. Who I love doesn’t exist, like so many of you have said I’ve seen his true colours and this monster is who he really is. And nothing I or anyone else ever does will change that. He is who he is, and I am who I am. I am busy rediscovering myself and the things I like to do: reading (not allowed to do that as that means I’m lazy!), cleaning, painting my nails (never allowed to do that, it attracts other men!). The time for wearing make up and the clothes I want to again will come when I’m ready.

Just taking it one day at a time and building myself back up bit by bit. I would never have got this far without all of you. Your support, your warmth, your real understanding, your knowledge and your responses. Thank you all so much. xxxxx

[Fudgecake]

I’m glad you’re feeling stronger she-ra. It’s nice to do the things we weren’t allowed to do. When you look at the restrictions they put on us, they are ridiculous. I often ask myself why I let it happen. Why I went along with the silly rules and some of them were non sensical to a sane person. Of course, it’s all part and parcel of the control.
At least now we can just be ourselves. x

[she-ra]

Completely fudgecake. The ‘rules’ we live by like you said are ridiculous to a sane person. I wasn’t even allowed to wear flip flops! He’d have had me covered head to toe if he could have. Next battle now will be the children. He’s made contact to ask if he can pick the children up and take them to see his mum (she lives in the same town). When I said no he got abusive – the usual names and how it’s all my fault that it’s this way because I goad him. I really don’t want them to go. My eldest has refused to go and has told him he never wants to see him again. I feel very guilty to his mum. She is in poor health and he thinks I’m just trying to keep the children from his family. Which I’m not, he’s missing the point that I don’t feel they are safe with him and they are worried about leaving me. Not sure what to do really. Low day today. xxxx

[Author]

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