The aftermath of him moving out – still manipulating

[Shouldistayorgo]

I’ve been posting recently about my situation. My husband has now been moved out  (detail removed by moderator) and I am really coming to terms with the fact it’s over. We made plans for access to our daughter – he was very adamant that it is 50/50. I would prefer for her to go to nursery for at least 1 day a week so she can mix with other kids but he just kept saying “I’m not sacrificing any of my time with her for someone else to look after her”. So I have in, just to get him out of my house.

I’ve been doing really well with the no contact and felt great for it. (detail removed by moderator)days ago, he started texting me saying he wanted the child benefit transferring into his name so he could access other benefits. Initially, I said no straight away as I am here still paying the mortgage and bills and have another daughter to think about too. He went off his head so I said I will think about it. Actually, when I did think about it it kind of made sense because I have to pay most child benefit back anyway due to my income and at the end of the day, I want what is best for my daughter. I started doing some research on what implications it might have and discovered that if he had the child benefit he could apply for maintenance from me which wouldn’t be fair as we have equal shared care. I explained this to him and he promised he wouldn’t do that. So I then sen him a document which I found online – it.was a parenting plan. I asked if we could sit down and fill this in as it puts it down I’m black and white everything we have agreed about shared care. He went off his head and said it was the most ridiculous thing he had heard. The manipulative texts went on and on to which I ignored most. At this point, I hadnt actually said I wouldn’t transfer the child benefit but he just kept going on and on about what a disgusting person I am for withholding benefit for a child I dont even have! What has really got to me is the way he is talking is like I don’t have any responsibility for her and in his words I kicked them both out! W*f?! I am trying to stay strong and I know these words are not true but it is getting to me.

I’ve tried to ring the helpline at all hours but can’t get through. I need some reassurance.

My mum doesn’t think he should be allowed this much access. Deep down I agree but I am trying to keep the situation calm for me and my daughters.

He is bringing her home tonight, my mum said she will be here but stay upstairs just in case it kicks off. I know that is going to infuriate him.

Really don’t know what to do for the best.

[Ladyglittersparkles]

Just wanted to show support.

Although I’m a long time out. I would suggest neutral drop pick up point if he’s hostile.
But hope there are no issues when he returns your daughter.
I hate drop days. Today is one and I feel sick.
I’m so worn out. Tired of being strong. Putting up a front.
Even with my mum present doesn’t stop his hateful insults,vicious words.
I need to snap out of this mood I’m in. Its lasting weeks.

Its so soon he’s left. I’m sure everything is so emotionally raw for you.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

I don’t know too much about shared custody etc but I’d be very wary of putting anything in his name if it means he can use it to a) get more control over you b) get more control over the children c) hurt you financially and legally.

The fact that he is sending nasty messages, getting angry, ridiculing your attempts to find a solution raises a lot of red flags about why he wants the child benefits in his name, it sounds like another abuse tactic.

It’s good that you’re working out the best solution for your daughter though. Is there someone who could help you with it like at CAB? Stay strong and don’t let him manipulate you.

[KIP.]

Hey there, ring rights for women and get free legal advice. You can also get free advice from most solicitors (first half hour free). Do not agree to anything. He is going to continue to change the goal posts. Hes not interested in an easy solution and is going to use this situation to continue the abuse. Get something legal in place as soon as you can. He has as much right to keep the children as you do unless there is a court order. Ive read too many stories on here which havent ended well because there is nothing legally in place. Also, once contact is legally in place, there is no need for you to have anything to do with him. A contact book or third party can be in place. He will wear you down with his demands. Ring the free helpine for rights for women and get some other legal advice. Keep posting on here too. Also, keep all his nasty texts etc as evidence. Youre going to need them. Be prepared for a nasty fight, no matter what you do to keep the peace.

[Lisa]

Hi Shouldistayorgo,

Please do phone the helpline or get some advice and support. Your husband may well be simply wanting the child contact as another way to try to maintain the control and he may be trying to take your daughter off you to hurt you rather than because he wants meaningful contact with her. Please think carefully about if you think he is a good and patient father and do not feel pressured in to agreeing anything to do with your daughter until you have had time to get appropriate advice and support. Your local Women’s Aid group would be a good starting point as would Rights of Women, http://www.row.org.uk

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Serenity]

Huge red flag. Please think twice about putting the child benefit in his name.

The child benefit then couldn’t be put back in your name at a later date unless he agreed- which I bet he wouldn’t.

Whoever has the child benefit in their name is the one who is entitled to other benefits- such as family tax credits. If you place the child benefit in his name it nullifies your rights to a lot of things.

My ex also demanded 50/50 contact early on- despite the fact he’d never shown much interest in or patience in with the children, and in fact had said he wished he’d never had them. I was reading a blog around that time, before I fully realised how manipulative he was, and someone pointed out that a lot of men try to get 50/50 contact as this means they don’t need to pay you any child maintenance.

I don’t know your ex obviously, but there seems to be an underlying thread of him not wanting to part with money- or wanting to get all the money.

He might not want to put your daughter into nursery because he’s too mean to pay for it- pretending, though, that it’s because he doesn’t want to sacrifice ‘daddy time.’

Please be careful. I wouldn’t want him to succeed in carrying out a plan which means he gets all the money from various places, and selfishly keeps it without spending it on his child. If a cunning abuser, he might mete this plan out gradually and very cleverly, making you agree to things before you realise their consequences.

You deserve to keep the child benefit ( it is almost always the mother who has it in her name) and to be protected for the future in hanging on to this and having access to other benefits if you need them in the future. If he is an abuser, I bet if he had the benefit he wouldn’t even spend it on his child.

He can’t force you to transfer the CB into his name. It’s completely your choice.

You and I do spend the benefit on our children, as we are fair and honest.

This might be part of a well-concocted and long drawn-out plan to punish you for leaving him: to gradually take all your means of income and so he is left rosy, and you doing without. I wouldn’t trust him one iota. He sounds like my ex.

[Nova]

Hi
I think as above he’s trying to manipulate this whole situation for himself..No one else! He’s asserting whatever ‘control’he has left…Which is negligible. As the ladies have said…Legal agreement…Is the only way forward.
These types have to be told, firmly by a third party..Think we all agree…They DON’T listen to you at all. He’s reading between the lines of any conversation and searching for ANY opportunity to manipulate for his own gain. Your child sadly, is not the main concern, only his needs.
The child benefit can be controlled by you and you can see what amount is given to him…Infact sometimes school trips etc are paid direct to the school…Get a third party involved in that…As he’s using it as a weapon. He doesn’t have to like it! He can suck it up and tantrum all he likes…My ex did that I’m sure we’ve all experienced that horrific stupidity from an adult…It’s shameful.

Your the adult in this situation …There is no relationship…Keep reminding yourself of that…It’s all about contact and only contact for your child. Straight down the line…Nothing else no emotion NC.

Cx

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