- This topic has 29 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 12 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi I’m very new to this, I was in a very violent and controlling relationship with a prolific offender, I didn’t know this at the time, even after everything he has done to me the after effects of the abuse is what has hurt the most, the anxiety is crippling and medication only just about takes the edge off, I’m constantly jumping at every bang, convinced hell come back. I live in a constant fear and my children have started to pick up on my obsessiveness to keep them safe, they’re checking locks and alarms now too 🙁 my family and friends have been so supportive but I don’t know anyone that I can talk to that’s been through a similar situation so it’s hard to open up. I feel like this will never end, he’s avoiding every sentence because he knows every loop hole in the system, I just don’t know where to turn to feel like I’m understood and it’s so frustrating, The police, dvas ,cpos teams and solicitors know how dangerous he is but I feel like he won’t be stopped until he kills someone. I just don’t know where to turn. Sorry for the overly large rant that contains so many different subjects I just neeDid to get it off of my chest, thanks in advance all ❤️
-
-
-
Hi there,
Get it all out, our stories may be different, but we’ve all been abused so maybe we can understand better than those fortunate enough to never have gone through what we’ve had to face. Well done for posting, I remember the fear I had when clicking “Submit” – it’s like breaking all the rules and all the “what ifs” come up, so well done 🙂
It’s a very imperfect system when it comes to dealing with domestic abuse 🙁 Have you asked the police if possible to get a restraining order, an a lifelong one at that? I know it’s not much but maybe it could bring you that little step closer to feeling a little safer.
I’ve seen it mentioned in another post that you can have your name off the voter’s register so you can’t be found that way – perhaps this might also help you feel a little safer in your own home.Have you talked to your GP about therapy? I understand from your post that you are getting medication for your anxiety, but maybe talking with a councellor might also be helpful to you in learning tricks and techniques to help.
I went to see a psychologist today who told me to “meet myself” when I feel I am back in a violent situation. He told me to tell myself “what happened to you was awful, it was unfair and unkind and you did not deserve it, but you are safe now” and to repeat that to myself to see if it helps. I don’t know if it will yet, but I thought I would pass it on to you as maybe it could help.I know, it’s frightening to leave and for very real reasons, so also don’t be afraid to make that clear to the police. You can also contact CAB to get help if you wanted to get non molestation orders and the like.
Keep posting, I find sometimes I just need to say it/write it and then there’s a sense of relief. It’s even better when we get responses of encouragement and understanding which is all I’ve ever been met with on here – so keep posting.
-
-
Dear Jhemoj
You really have taken huge leaps in getting him out of your life and in posting on here.
I don’t think it necessarily a problem that the children are checking locks/alarms…because ofhim they will need to do this to keep safe.
They need to know there is a real risk and they are following your good example to protect everyone from him.
It’s no surprise you feel as you do, its a completely normal reaction to a highly abnormal situation.
All I can recommend is employing every strategy you know to be safe and feel safe. Locks, alarms, cameras, tell neighbours to call police if he’s spotted near your house, have a non-mol, police marker on your phone/address, ensure the children know to call 999 if they see him and not to answer the door,etc. Or to strangers (that can be doing his dirty work on his behalf,on whatever pretence he’s given them).
If you drive can you change your car?
As strong as the anxiety from him is, needs to be matched with all the good things, all the time, as often as you can, which lets the life into your life for you all.
Well done for posting, and keep reaching out, it can feel overwhelmingly scarey to start sharing these formerly dark experiences, but expose them to the light and feel validated and supported for what you’ve all been through.
Warmest wishes
TS -
it sounds like you not only have anxiety but hyper vigilance too. i had that for a while mainly very shortly after an act of intimidation or and out burst. for me and i hope this is a consellation but that has completely settled – years out. my anxiety still remains so anything to do with being over powered or manipulated by anyone triggers me off. its the hardest of the emotions to deal with and so hard to describe. for me it feels overwhelming, it takes over any reason, feeling of time passing dosent exist, it feels like your going crazy. horrible to face and it does keep u off your sleep and food – that knot and a feeling of uncertainty? not sure if people experience of anxiety is the same as mine – the good thing is it passes and does go away xx much love diymum sending you strength and stability 🙂
-
Hiya Jhemoj,
I know what you’re feeling.
I’ve been beaten up plently times, been bullied, been petrified, just like you.
My dad was a violent alcoholic, my husband an evil twisted insecure bully.
Funny, with my dad I was scared of getting beaten up.
With my husband I was scared of him killing me. His anger was much more sinister, darker, deeper….He had a baseball bat he kept in the bedroom cupboard with nails sticking out of it. It even had a b****y nickname. A gun under his pillow.I don’t know how serious a criminal your ex is.
I can only put down a few thoughts which might help.Think of the positives.
You have left. You’re OUT!
You have your children with you.
You have a loving family.
You have close good friends.
The authorities ARE aware of him.Now you can think straight.
You can make a life for yourself.
All this is GOOD.
You have a chance to be happy, and to be a good mum.
Start there.If he’s truly dangerous…..ask to go to an anonymous place of safety.
We’re all here to help you.
-
Diymum@1 yes my anxiety is the worst, the simplest of things can set me off at the moment and it kind of feels like he’s still winning, so far I have a 12 month none mol in place, police issued cameras locks door jams and letter boxes, panick alarms and the Holly guard on my personal mobile and my children have protected school times but I still feel like I’m missing something, he knows everything that I do even though I changed all of my personal details and phone numbers & I came off all social media entirely, the guy has 3 lifelong restraining orders against him and 3 none mols not inc mine! I just hope he’s sentenced soon, I feel like I can’t breathe until he’s locked away.
-
-
-
Hi there @Jhemoj, welcome to the forum. I’m in the process of leaving, that’s why it’s taken me so long to send you some support. I’ve been decades with my oh, leaving is the end of a very long process. I’m unsure of how he’ll react, I’m going secretly. I feel bad but not enough not to go.
This forum has been my lifeline, everyone of us knows what the other is going through to some extent or another. You are safe to talk on here, safe to get angry, we’ll listen and believe you unconditionally, we are you, you are us. The best thing you can do apart from being safe, is live life to the fullest. I wish you peace and safety to do so.
What I’m finding just now is not having as much energy to support you all as I have previously, but I will in the future have more to say😊
IWMB 💕💕 -
-
Hi iwantmeback, I genuinely wish you all the luck In the world, I hope everything goes as smoothly as it can, sending you so much love ❤️
Twisted sister, I’ve moved properties & I’ve had my car checked, my phone has also been checked but the holly guard app is in memory of holly gazzard. It’s like a panick alarm that anyone can download, mainly ladies in our situations, you pick as many people you want that you can trust, if your in a situation when you need help but can’t ring for it. You shake your phone, it will send an alert to your trusted people with your tracked location & will also start recording evidence secretly. If you google holly guard it’s genuinely amazing. I wouldn’t leave my house before this app without people with me. This app has given me so so much inpedencance back that he managed to take. It makes me feel safer at home too knowing if he went too far when I was with him I could let someone know secretly and have the evidence for cps which seems so difficult to get 🙂 hope this helps 🙂 -
-
-
-
i honestly hope and pray they lock him up that is where he belongs – it makes me so mad to think another human being can do this to some one who has done nothing to deserve this. it makes no sense to someone with ‘normal thinkng’ dose it? xx laws of attraction he will meet with karma i hope xx much love diymum
-
The app has genuinely been a lifeline for me, It gave me back the biggest part of me that he took which was my independence, I feel safer going out now & I agree you can’t always avoid them even though that would be perfect. For me I wish he’d drop
Off the face of the earth but I’m not that lucky. I hope karma gets them all because to feel unsafe in your own home is unthinkable I hope new laws are bought in place that protect women more, everything from the system has really annoyed me & I can’t believe how many officials are so uneducated when it comes to domestic violence and the sensitivity, there really needs to be more help professionally and face to face where possible, although I know it would be tough i feel like I wish I could do more to help other victims too. Because I’ve had to learn so much by myself, it’s such a shame. I hope the app helps someone else like it has me 🙂 loads & loads of love ❤️❤️❤️ -
i gues it is up to us to educate other people when we feel its appropriate – sometimes though people have to come of the worse from domestic violence to actually look it in the eye. people are scared of this subject. if we could treat femicide and mesoginy in the same way we do racists ie come down hard on them make it not PC to behave in this way towards women the world would be a better place for families in the main. for our future xx love diymum
-
It is diymum & I really love helping other people but I’ve had to fight tooth and nail for the information given to me and a lot of it wasn’t given by who it could’ve been given from saving me the fight which is frustrating because so many women don’t have the energy to fight for it. Hopefully something will change soon where it won’t be so hard to get offenders a real punishment and sentence instead of a slap on the wrist
Loads of love ❤️❤️❤️❤️ -
-
-
-
-
-
-
Hi jhemoj, sorry I’ve not managed to add my support until now. Glad to hear you’re getting some protections. Having those things and the apps are really helpful, and I was pleased you can get out and about with a little less anxiety.
x -
-
Hi, just wanted to add my support too and check if youre receiving counselling. Check out mindfulness and some relaxation exercises online. I also found burning off that anxiety at the gym really helped but you could speed walk or do something else energetic x keep going. It gets easier with time and zero contact
-
Hi KIP yes I’m currently receiving counselling and cbt for the anxiety and panick attacks, I do have a gym membership and until now I loved going but I’m not so good with a lot of people at the moment so I’ve tried to stay away, maybe it’s time to dip my toe back in that pond, Thanku for the recommendations all the support means he world to me, zero contact is what I have right now I just hope he doesn’t find another way to contact me 🙂
Sending loads of love ❤️❤️
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
