The anxiety reduces but the alertness not

[Ayanna]

I have been out for several years.
In the beginning I was freaked out by anxiety and panic.
I am still very sure that through mistakes by authorities he got hold of my address.
They had delivered me his things in the first year, therefore it must have happened the other way round too.
Thing is, I live very far from him and my place is not easy to find.
I have seen him around in my area, but never close by the property.
I had the police involved when I realised he had traveled to this area.
They might have warned him, because I have never seen him again since then.
I am not anxious anymore, I do not panic anymore.
But I am aware that I might still be in danger and I am careful, every day.
I am calm and paced.
It has become a part of my life to check my surroundings when I leave the house and when I get back into the house, to be alert and prepared.
Being alert and prepared is my normal.
I cannot remember anymore how I felt before, when I left the house where I lived without any care in the world.
Even when I am abroad I do the same thing. Sometimes I smile about myself, because I realize that he cannot be around there and I behave as if he could attack me from around the corner.
My garden still scares me in the night, although the safety of the house has improved.
I still need to lock everything and wrap into warm blankets and keep soft big pillows close to me.
That has not changed.
I just do not have these feelings of anxiety and panic anymore.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I am so happy for you that your anxiety is gone and that you can be calm and paced.
I too suffered from a lot of anxiety, it gets better but I am very alert as well, even though I live in another country!
I have a grab bag ready with my things should I leave my house in a hurry, it is crazy because my address is protected and unobtainable for private people but somehow I need to know that I have the possibility to get away and survive for a day and night with my things if I need to escape my place.
The idea to be trapped in my own home is freaking me out.
At the same time when I get afraid outside, my home becomes my safe place. No logic but it works to calm me down.

[KIP.]

Thanks Ayanna for sharing this post. I think we are around the same time frame of escaping our abuser and yes, the anxiety and panic are much less for me too. Much more manageable and not so overwhelming. The alertness is a good thing I believe. It’s good to have just the right level of awareness without affecting our stress levels and impacting our lives. I’m going to have to face my abuser again soon but the playing field is a lot more even now.

[Ayanna]

I wish you strength KIP, it will still bring up a lot of emotions.
Recently I have thought how I would feel if I did re-uptake the court trial for the rapes and sexual assaults. My interview is with the police.
He would deserve it.
But I do not feel strong enough and going through that traumatic process will be detrimental for the fragile balance I have achieved now. And it might not be worth all the effort, as there are no witnesses.
I think, I will leave the past in the past and carry on to rebuild my life.
My best revenge will be a book one day.

[Author]

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