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I’m in a lot of emotional pain today, I’ve been trying to get things done but keep crying a lot and feeling exhausted.
I never found out exactly what my ex boyfriend was doing behind my back, but when I realised he was a psychopath and that I was in an abusive relationship, all these little inconsistences fell into place and I am now certain he was cheating on me right from the beginning of the relationship to the end, with multiple women.
He was abusive, but for whatever reason, none of that hurts anyhere near as much as the thought of him going behind my back having sex with other women. I am just really, really struggling to get over it and wondered if anyone else experienced this and how long it took to get over. The pain is so bad it makes me just want to crumple up and cry every day and I feel frustrated that I am still so upset about it months later, it is getting in the way of moving on with my life.
It’s just the thought of him being on dating sites, texting women behind my back, arranging to meet them, bringing them to his house, unzipping his trousers and having sex with them in the bed I shared with him with absolutely zero remorse or guilt, lying to my face about it and getting angry and defensive whenever I got close to finding out the truth. I believe he was having sex with a woman from work in his car, I think he was also trying to start or had started a relationship with another work colleague as he always used to go on about her all the time and said he needed to be at work if she was there (rather than working from home). I found something under the bed which belonged to a woman and found his dating profile still online after he told me he’d deleted it. I believe he was a prolific promiscuous cheater like all psychopaths, and did it without remorse whilst lying about it with ease.
All that time I had no idea. I thought I’d found this lovely sweet man who really liked me and we were on this wonderful new path together and that he was a ray of hope after I met a series of awful men before hm. I trusted him completely and really liked him. I am such an honest person that I didn’t even speak to the man I had dated before if I bumped into him because I felt too guilty, while he was running around behind my back putting his penis in different vaginas every week and I had absolutely no idea 🙁
I worked so hard to be the perfect girlfriend, always went round to his whenever he wanted, made myself look nice and put effort into my clothes, body, hair, makeup, underwear etc, and was very sexually giving towards him because I enjoy sex (with a partner) and see it as a wonderful way to connect in a fun and loving way.
I can’t bear it. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and don’t understand it. If I’m not happy with someone I end things. It takes me ages to find anyone I like enough to date who also likes me so I don’t get how or why people can line up person after person to f**k. It doesn’t appeal to me at all and the thought of doing that makes me feel extremely depressed. I read that apparently 60% of men cheat and 40% of women. All I’ve ever wanted is to meet a good, kind, loving man who I am attracted to and vice versa, who is faithful. I see no point in relationships if there is infidelity. I know that he was not normal and had no empathy, but it doesn’t stop me from having all these questions and feeling destroyed by it.
I am also a bit worried about STDs and on top of everything else feel so angry that he has put my body and even my life at risk by this cruel behaviour. I had one test during the relationship and think I will book in for another just to set my mind at ease because I know a lot of these things come with no symptoms and can be really dangerous for your health 🙁 🙁 🙁
Has society got it wrong, should anyone bother to have monogamous relationships and marry if apparently everyone just wants to f**k everyone else? Am I an anomoly being someone who actually enjoys monogamy and doesn’t want multiple sex partners? Is my dream of finding a faithful man a joke that I should scrap or are there some good men out there who like me will be faithful? Why do people bother getting married if they then cheat, is it just a financial arrangement?
If I had no sex drive or need for companionship I would just become celibate, because I simply refuse to stay in a relationship with a cheater. I hate it when people say ‘oh all men cheat, get over it.’ If that is the case then I need to re-evaluate my life and just aim to never get romantically involved again which makes me feel so depressed and miserable it makes me almost suicidal.
Im also scared that I might meet a man in future who seems wonderful, fall in love and he might turn out to be a cheater too only this time I’d only find out decades later? I think that would destroy me, I would want to die and give up on life if that happened.
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Hey there you are still very vulnerable. It will take you a while to get your confidence back. I think the mistake you make is expecting abusers to have similar moral standards. They have zero moral standards and that is no reflection on you as a victim. Please know that these men are sad pathetic losers who don’t know how to be happy and never will. It’s a painful experience but I can spot abusers instantly now. I’m older and wiser and no experience is wasted if you learn from it. I know my ex was cheating on me and as painful as it is to hear. That’s his shame not mine. The police told me to go for an STI test which I did. Just another form of abuse from him. But I’m still standing and moving on. I would get one done for your own piece of mind x
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Thank you Kip and Borntobefree. He really was an absolutely total and utter s**m bag and didn’t deserve even one date from me let alone a relationship, I just had no idea and was completely fooled by his ‘innocent nice guy’ act. When I met him I’d only just got rid of the two men I’d dated before him who were both also liars and cheats and had been pestering me to keep seeing them. I was exasperated and upset and my ex seemed like a wonderful, genuine, kind, normal bloke, like a haven in the storm and I felt so lucky at the time. It was so, so awful to realise he was EVEN WORSE, MUCH MUCH WORSE than the horrible men I met before him because not only was he also a lying cheat, he was much cleverer at hiding it than they were, was doing it with multiple women, but he was really abusive and scary too. It still hurts to think of how lovely he seemed in the beginning, the pain of losing that ‘lovely guy’ who never existed is awful. I feel it reflects on me that the only ‘good guy’ who wanted to date me was just an illusion. Sometimes I wonder why on earth I’ve been so unlucky in love when other girls/women meet a nice guy when they’re young, marry him and never have to go through all of this stuff?
I’d already met many cocky, arrogant men before him so thought I knew what to look out for, it was his act that I was no prepared for. I thought the ‘players’ and abusers were much more obvious to spot. I did try to end things early on when I found the dating profile and called him out, but his excuse was so incredibly believable he convinced me that I’d got him wrong. In the past when I’d called men out for suspicious behaviour and told them to get lost they always gave up and admitted defeat, I was not prepared for him going deeper into the con and working even harder to fool me. I didn’t realise anybody did that, who could be bothered? Psychopaths apparently.
Hopefully in time I will be able to spot abusers more easily like you Kip. I dont think I’d have any will left to live if this happened to me again. All you ladies who were married to your abusers for decades have my absolute admiration because I was only in a short relationship and it has been the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced.
I will book in for another STD test. It feels so depressing and worrying. I am very worried he gave me something despite no symptoms, you can never be sure. To add insult to injury, he falsely accused me of having an STD when I was only sleeping with him just to make me feel paranoid and bad about my body. Argh it makes me so, so angry and really, really sad.
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I don’t think my ex ever actually went beyond emotional cheating with the women he met online dating. It was screwing with people’s heads he got a kick out of, not sex. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to learn now that he had had sex with other women while we were together. I got STD tests done when I left for my own peace of mind. It’s good practice anyway. I would do it after any sexual relationship ended. I started when I split with my first boyfriend. We actually both got tested and texted each other the results (all clear, unsurprisingly, given we had been virgins when we met and were in a monogamous relationship) as things ended remarkably amicably. No way in hell I would break no contact to tell my abuser I was clean of course, but there is no shame in doing the tests. Sexual health practitioners are usually delighted to have patients doing routine testing instead of waiting until they have symptoms. Think of it like smear tests or breast exams. Not fun, and no one wants to find anything, but it is a good habit, just in case there is a problem. Also, you can generally do the chlamydia and gonorrhoea one yourself at home, just pick up the kit from the GP and drop it back in once you have done it. You only need an appointment if you want the blood tests done for HIV, syphilis etc. Don’t worry, it’s a totally normal post relationship fear amplified by the fact that you know he cheated.
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Thanks Tiffany, I too have aso always got an STD test for every relationship, and got tested about halfway through this relationship after I suggested we go as a healthy, loving thing to do for eachother (before I had any idea of who he was). I got the all clear then, so it’s depressing to have to go so soon again, just because he was cheating on me. I have no idea who he was sleeping with and when, and from the way he was trying to manipulate me into unprotected sex I fear that’s what he was doing with others too. It’s all so sordid and horrible, and so awful that my body was put at risk despite me being nun-like for years before I met him. Thank god I put my foot down and never agreed to unprotected sex, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
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Once I’d taken my blinkers off, I realised that my ex had probably been unfaithful. Not in terms of a long term relationship, but one nigh stands and so forth ( though I think he went off with someone specific in the end).
I always said to him that I wouldn’t forgive an affair. What I meant was the disloyalty and lies, and of course putting me at risk of infection. The sex act itself – in terms of how he operated- I can imagine was ugly and mechanical. I don’t think that man invests any emotion in sex: women are just used as objects to satisfy a physical sensation and need. Sex with him was shallow and didn’t feel healthy or affectionate.
He can sleep with as many women as he wants- I don’t care ( except poor women). As KIP says, sex is just another form of abuse with them, and one I am glad I am free of.
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Yes my ex was weirdly mechanical during sex too by the end, he treated me like a sex doll that was there to satisfy his urges. He wasn’t like this at first though, he was really seductive and I remember thinking ‘wow’ because he seemed much more exciting than my previous boyfriends.
In my research I have learned that this is very common, they make you feel like this amazing woman at first but it never lasts, it’s all part of the grooming and seduction/idealisation to lure you in.
Quite soon he stopped bothering with that and the sex just seemed weirdly clinical, I remember how he used to look at me like a curious object during it and how far away he seemed, ie he wasn’t trying to kiss me during the act in an affectionate way at all, and as soon as it was over he jumped up and suggested we get food without any affection, cuddling etc which seemed strange to me and didn’t make me feel good.
I agree that the cheating was just another form of abuse. He clearly really got off on duping me, knowing he was doing all of this horrible stuff behind my back whilst putting on this innocent act the whole time. It is like he wanted a girlfriend just so that he could hurt her and dupe her if that makes sense? He went to so much effort to get me to be his girlfriend and then hoovered me until the police caught up with him, so it clearly wasn’t about wanting to replace me, it was about enjoying hurting me and cheating on me like all of these horrible abusers.
He probably stopped getting a kick out of all of the random sex after I left because he was no longer cheating! He just seems to line women up so that he can hurt them, although I have a feeling that at least one of the women knew about me and didn’t care. She will be in for a nice surprise when she realises he is a psychopath, karma!
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I think I understand how you feel sunshinerainflower. Every time I allow myself to hurt because of my abuser’s inhumane behaviour, I fall down this path of thinking- that I’m not good enough. When in all truth it is my abuser who is not good enough for me.
When I can however get upset about the way he abused me by cheating, and everything else horrible he did to me, -when I see reality and realize that my abuser did horrible things to me, things that I did not deserve or sign up for- when i can get just a little upset (which is at times very difficult, very slippery to feel) I always feel better after.
I am at a point now where his cheating hurts less and less.. I am so grateful for time. -
My ex cheated on me too. That was what the trigger was for the abuse. He was terrified I would leave him and became more and more controlling.
He actually cheated on me with my disabled Mum’s carer. She was like a sister to me and a daughter to my Mum.
It broke my heart having to tell my Mum and seeing her suffer too.
I never thought I would be able to trust anyone again for a very long time.
My partner now has shown me that love and trust are possible. I’ve never felt so respected and loved in my life. I have trusted him implicitly from the moment we met. Being cheated on can make you doubt people, but when you meet someone worthy of it those feelings aren’t there.
I’m grateful to have found what I have, but I know I’m lucky to have this.
My ex was a pig for doing what he did. I hate him for breaking my Mum’s heart, but I forgive him.
I do think trust is possible again after you’ve been cheated on, but you need the right person.
You deserve better and I hope that you find it.
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