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The emotional, psychological and financial abuse and control has escalated over the last few weeks and days. I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated how calculated he is and that it’s because he’s due to go away quite soon so is doing everything he can to keep me in my place? Maybe not.. all I know is it’s getting worse and I’m struggling to cope. There’s no longer much I can do right anymore and I’m being subjected to lectures and abuse almost every day. The threats have gotten far worse too, in particular him threatening to contact my family and basically ‘tell on me’ which he has now done (again). This time he actually rang up one of my family members playing the supportive partner pretending he is concerned about how another family member is treating me (one of my parents who he knows I have a somewhat difficult relationship with). So he has made the parent I struggle with the enemy whilst playing the innocent party pretending to care about me and my welfare. I am just in absolute shock at his blatant manipulation of the situation and how he is making sure to get my family on his side. One minute texting me calling me all the names under the sun, the next on the phone to my close family member being the ‘good guy’ and having a nice chat.
I’ve also found out he has been in contact with another of my family members lying to them that I am in debt to his family.
I won’t tell my family what he’s really like until I leave which will be to ensure they block him so he cannot contact them again. I can’t tell them before as it’s too much pressure for me.I’m just in shock although I know I shouldn’t be.
What worries me though is if his behaviour can escalate this much whilst we are still ‘together’ then surely it’s going to become even worse if I leave him? This is what frightens me and causes me anxiety about leaving. At this point I’m not staying because I want to keep trying at the relationship, I’m staying out of fear. -
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Hi Gettingtired
I am sorry things are getting worse for you. To be honest, its going to be worse whether you are there or not; its already getting worse.
You need to plan to separate (I didn’t do this! and regret it hugely), so that you can anticipate difficulties and put blocks in place to prevent any areas of vulnerability. This is where abuse services can help as they can anticipate the type of issues you will run into once an abuser has lost control of his partner and tries to find other ways to abuse. If you have all avenues locked down and the appropriate parties flagged up he will make himself obvious in his abusive actions. Set your boundaries clearly for everyone to see, and they can all watch him try to abuse them, police can then step in if need be.
Preparation is the best way to manage post separation, preparation including plenty of support, and keep posting as you need. Keep strong.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi.
Yes it is likely to escalate but that isn’t a reason for staying. It just means you have to get a good escape plan together before saying anything to him about splitting up (women’s aid can help with that) and he prepared to contact police if / when it escalates. To be honest it will get worse if you stay as well.
It may not be much comfort right now, but everything he’s doing is typical of a control and coerce abusive relationship and if you speak to women’s aid they will recognize it as such. Also the domestic abuse contacts within the police force.
For now start making sure all important documents are together and somewhere safe from him. Change passwords on everything (especially websites where you can access or spend money). Turn off location apps on your phone in case he’s tracking you. Treat social media with extreme caution. Delete browsing history so e can’t check what websites you’ve been looking at. And remember, they lie without shame to get what they want.
Blocking and not responding to the communication that does inevitably reach you will be very important once you’ve got away. As you already know, they lie, bully, make promises – jumping from nice to nasty like turning pages of a book. It is confusing and soul destroying to listen to or read.
Dr Ramani YouTube videos really helped me to understand what I was dealing with and they’re worth a watch if you have time away from him when it’d be safe to do so.
Take care.
GR xx -
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@Getting tired You will soon have that opportunity to leave him and you have been planning this for weeks months. You always put way too much pressure on yourself and you often if not always put others before yourself. Sweetie this time you gotta think of you hes been getting worse and your eyes are wide opem now to his behaviour you need to keep your plan open keep that in your head you have done amazing so far and are so close to that escape so so close just one more step one more. Yes its a big one but you can do it. Once you do you will have the support of your family if he does continue to abuse you which he most likley will at first but he will soon get bored of chasing you if you dont respond.
None of this is gonna be easy but sweetie its no worse than what you are suffering now is it?
Im as is everyine here are right behind you.
Sending hugs x -
He’s isolating you from friends and family. Discrediting you so no one will believe you when his abuse is exposed. When you leave there’s a clear line. If he contact you the police arrest him. You don’t have to do this on your own but I understand the fear that freezes us. That’s where a good support network come in.
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