The cravings to contact him are so intense – help!

[Trying-to-heal]

Evening, this is my second ever post.

I separated with my partner just recently. It got nasty and he was arrested; (detail removed by Moderator) We were together for decades.

I’ve resisted every urge to contact him but the urge is intensifying with each passing day and I’m struggling to resist. I just want to hear his voice so he can take this pain away. The logical part of my brain understands that I could never trust him again but I honestly cannot tolerate this pain any longer (I should say I have no intentions to attempt suicide; it’s just an expression to let you know how intense these feelings are).

Every night I dream of him. Please help.

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. I remember those feelings so well. I caved and ended up getting drawn back in, and it ended up getting worse with more police involvement and him ending up in prison. Please do try to resist that temptation.

In AA we talk about not drinking fir ‘one day at a time’. An hour or ten minutes at a time if necessary. That means not thinking beyond this time. Just keeping things in the day. It’s a lot harder to find acceptance of longer term while you’re still hooked, and emotionally drained, and still trying to learn what a day without them feels like and find new ways to feel comfortable.
So, just for today, think about what little things you can do to find sone comfort and look after yourself. Keep it simple. Nutritious but delicious food (probably not much if your tummy feels anything like mine did at that point). Bubble baths. Rescue Remedy spray or lavender on your pillow. Audio books. Uplifting music (no love songs!!). Childhood favourite films. A long walk. Play on the swings. Kinda care for yourself and be your own best friend. And Women’s Aid might be a good call in the morning.

GR x*x

[KIP.]

It’s like breaking a drug habit but I can guarantee that if you contact him he’s going to dump all the blame on you. Then stomp all over your heart which is a pain much worse that what you’re going through just now. If you can just ride through this withdrawal phase then it gets so much easier. Zero contact is how you get through this stage quicker. He has bail conditions for a reason. Contacting him will also give him ammunition and he can report you to the police for harrassment so please don’t give him anything he can use against you. Try writing a journal of all his abuse and how it made you feel. As humans, we craven what is normal to us, even if that normal is abuse. It’s all psychological. Read Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas and Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is so right , it is really hard to fight the overwhelming feelings to reach out , but as soon as you do it’s game over , anything that has been put in place now if you break contact will mean c**p in the future, this will be used against you , trust me I’ve been there a number of times . Try and take the focus off of him and let your mind focus on other aspects of your life , follow the other recommendations the ladies have suggested. It is like detoxing , gradually that feeling will subside , it takes time , but your get there x

[Grey Rock]

Good morning Trying to Heal. I forgot to say, what you are experiencing is often called Trauma Bonding. So, if you wanted you could Google that term to get more understanding about what’s going on. That might help you resist acting on those urges.

Take care.
GR x

[Trying-to-heal]

I’d like to thank every single one of you for responding.

@grey rock I’m trying so hard to think one day at a time but my mind catapults forward sorting the sale of our home and putting down new roots. However, I have noticed that the intense feelings come in waves, so I need to tell myself that these feelings will pass. I am trying to eat but I’ve lost so much weight. I’ve done so much research on trauma bonding, codependency, n********m etc and my logical brain understands trauma bonding but, as you know, it’s so hard. I’m attending a peer support group with WA today so will discuss then x

@KIP I have wrote a list of all the abuse (well, what I can’t remember) but haven’t noted how it made me feel; I feel it would be really helpful to do that, thanks. I’ll also have a look at those books. Thanks

@The Duchess the word detoxing struck a chord. It is like withdrawing from a drug. Thank you

Last question to all: how long did it take you to get over this phase? Or for it to at least ease? I understand it will differ for each individual x

[Ariadne]

Hi @Trying-to-heal,

Gawsh, I know this craving, I still feel it frequently and I just had to jump on here to tell you this is probably very common. I don’t know how long it takes for it to go away, as I kinda self-sabotaged my own healing on this, but it is detoxing, and the less you contact them the better. What I have realised is that you see everything in a good light now, but then when you contact you’ll think “but this is the person that did this to me”. And that lack of trust will not allow you to feel at ease.

[Trying-to-heal]

@ariadne thank you for your response. I managed to refrain from contacting him, and today the urge hasn’t really been there, weirdly. I’d like to think last night was the worst and it will only get better but I think we all know this process is but linear, so I assume it’ll happen again. At least next time I’ll be able to reflect and remind myself that it will pass (it was so unbearable last night).

Thank you to each and everyone of you who helped me through this, and I wish you well with your recovery/detox x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi and welcome to the forum
I had a trauma bond with my abusive husband (decades married), I was filled with adrenaline for the first few weeks and then it hit me self doubt, missing him, constant anxiety, i became so low and deoressed. It lasted for me about 3 months (it started to let up bit by bit I didn’t think about him aa much).. I am some months out now and he still tries to get to me…. by 6 months I felt much stronger.

Now, I see him for what he is, I know what he is and what he did. I cannot wait to divorce him, change my name back and getting on in life without him (we have 2 teenagers). I wish I had separated sooner but I just didn’t think I could.

It also got easier once i was out of the FOG (fear Obligation Guilt) cycle and had broken the trauma bond which really is like an addiction. I also re read my posts on here and in my journal to remind myself of what he did to me and that helped my brain remember the truth of what he really is.

Keep posting ❤️

[Trying-to-heal]

Thank you for your response. I’m getting stronger as I don’t feel the need to contact him anymore; though I know this may change. As each day passes, I too see him for what he is, and he’s actually worse than he was when I was with him. The lies he’s telling, whilst infuriating, are laughable!

Each day brings a new twist or turn to this journey. Lord knows what my neighbours think with the amount of police that turn-up at my door!

I’m glad to hear someone else has made it to the other side, the brighter side 💗

[Tryingtomoveonsafe]

Hey, sorry ur feeling this feeling, I know the feeling u feeling to well, I contacted the ex stupidly after zero contact, he reeled me back in, used me, everything was my fault and worse, everything I thought I missed about him I really didn’t, he was just as cold to me and making me doubt all my progress I had joined a gym he got jealous of that, questioned my every move but told me nothing of his life, he really made me chase him and do all the work, basically I was at his beck and call, I tried to call it a day over and over and he just kept pulling me back in, which I kept going back, I’ve had enough of feeling used and let down that I finally cut all contact and that’s exactly what u should do, I’m back at square one probably worse this time round!
Be do urself a favour and stay strong I wish I had of ❤️

[Trying-to-heal]

Hi, thank you for responding. Thankfully I’m nearly a month on from writing that post, and managed to maintain zero contact. I’ve yet to feel another craving that intense. I’m lucky that he gave me a ‘gift’ before we split. This ‘gift’ was to make my life a living hell, so much so, the pain of getting over him his actually less painful then being with him.

I’m sorry you feel you’re back at square one. I’ve heard alot of people mention the importance of zero contact, and I totally agree that it’s the way to go. I can only suggest that when you get an urge, you remind yourself that it will pass. Write a list of the things you’ve had to endure and how it made you feel, then read this when you’re tempted to make contact. We can do this! x

[Anonymous]

I’m (detail removed by Moderator) months into zero contact having gone back after (detail removed by Moderator) apart , drew me back in for another few months before I finally called it quits for good . I do feel zero contact is the way forward , block every avenue or crack in case they Hoover you back in the merry go round . Sometimes and not as often I too had that overwhelming feeling of wanting to reach out or hear from my ex , but then I remind myself very quickly of how hard it was to break free in the first place & not wanting the same torture I endured daily again, so I stop , condition myself as to why I left and the better life I want for myself. I have seen my ex for what he is and I despise him as a person for what he stands for , like many of you that I read on here I too was subjected to much cruelty, used , controlled , abused the list is endless. We tolerated it I feel because we love and know how to love from the heart these creatures do not , their aim is to manipulate for their own gain in life , a hard lesson learned for me , but we now need to look forward , take each day as a new day & count our blessings we are free to live & love & be loved in the way we should be xx

[Trying-to-heal]

Congratulations on your (detail removed by Moderator) months away from him. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) days in. Whilst it is incredibly hard, I’m rather proud of myself. It feels longer as he started to emotionally distance himself from me as far back as December (I’ve since found out that he done a few things that were unforgivable, which is probably why he done this). Before he assaulted me on our last day together, he was crying saying I was beautiful and wanted to stay with me. Whilst tempted (as I didn’t know about the things he’d been up to) I said it was the end. He’s now more evil than ever before!

I love you used the word ‘creatures’, that made me smile, ha. It’s so true, these creatures do manipulate for their own personal gain.

I’m now looking forward to the day when he is not consuming my thoughts xx

[searchingforhope]

Well done on holding strong. It’s not easy. You should be proud of yourself. x*x

[Trying-to-heal]

Thank you so much. It’s incredibly hard and my emotions are all over the place but I know it will be worth it 😊

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