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Around and around in confusing circles you go, always trying to figure out what is going on. You feel as though you are always standing on slippery ground. The manipulation and gaslighting keeps you focused on him instead of yourself. It feels endless. It gets harder and harder to trust your own judgement. You feel sorry for him, you feel guilty, you hate him, you love him, you never want to see him again, you feel terror at the thought of never seeing him again, you want to leave, you want to stay. It’s utterly, utterly confusing. And always, always you are trying to figure him out. You spend so much time trying to figure him out that you lose sight of yourself.
He’s a destructive, head-wrecking mystery who has taken up full-time residence in your mind.
He says one thing and the next day he says he didn’t, or that you misunderstood him. This happens over and over and over again. He insults you and then says you’re too sensitive, you over analyse, you don’t understand his sense of humour, it was just a joke, what’s wrong with you? He promises to do things and doesn’t do them, over and over again.
He tries to drive a wedge between you and the people who are important to you by attempting to plant seeds of doubt in your mind about how they feel about you.
He sabotages every event that you are looking forward to by sulking or making nasty comments and raising tension. When you point out his difficult behaviour he talks about his traumatic childhood and the ‘issues’ that he wants to address – promises ever so sincerely to address! You give him sympathy. It must be so hard for him. How could you better support him? The issues are never addressed.
He’s kind, he’s caring, he’s helpful – he tells you that you need him, everyone else takes you for granted, but not him! Oh no, not him, look how kind he’s being! And you feel indebted to him for all this kindness. Then he is cruel – he physically hurts you. Just a little bit. Not a big violent outburst. It’s not really domestic violence, is it? I mean, surely that involves shouting and big punches and bruises? You’ve only been hurt a little bit, and you keep it a secret. You cannot understand why someone so kind could be so cruel. It must be your fault. You feel ashamed. What did you do to make a such a good man behave in such a bad way? Everyone says he’s so caring, so gentle, and you’re so lucky to have a such a good man in your life. Especially at your age! I mean, really! You’re so ungrateful! But your confidence is ebbing away. You feel like your whole life is entwined with his, and there is no escape. You are owned by him. You are his property.
Eventually you go from trying to figure him out, trying to help him, trying to understand what’s going on, to being downright afraid of him. You’re afraid because you no longer know what is real and what is fake. You are vigilant and scared. You have an uneasy feeling. You feel a little shaky in his presence and you try to hide it. He is so up close in your face all of the time that you cannot see him clearly. Buy you can’t see yourself either because you are always looking at him.
You’re not quite sure who you are anymore. But you clearly have something wrong with you! Otherwise you would appreciate this good man and not make him do bad things to you.
It took years to pluck up the courage to walk away. I feel better and stronger as each day passes. But I have difficulty trusting people and, even though I never see him, I am still afraid of him. I also have difficulty trusting my own judgement.
A huge thank you to the knowledgeable woman who answered my call to the National Domestic Violence Helpline. I was ashamed and confused when I rang. She helped me to see things clearly. I am on the mend. I am loving my freedom!
I wish strength and clarity to all those women who are being emotionally abused. Please reach out for help.
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very accurate! well put. he was a fraud wasnt he – i think emotional abuse is very underplayed but just as damaging as every other kind of abuse. abuse is abuse. your not tolerating it and your eyes are wide open now. that means life can be good for you now you know how to protect yourself. we can also teach other women the same things so that they stop blaming themselves for these horrible mens actions xxxx
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