The first few days after leaving

[TeaTeaTea]

Advice on how to navigate the initial days after leaving seems almost impossible to find.

I’ve been advised to leave my partner without him knowing, so I guess that restricts what can decided upon in advance.

My main issue is contact between my daughter and my partner. A MASH referral was made about his behaviour towards her (overly rough play, teaching her to swear…) and it was referred to early help. They decided that there wasn’t a role for them, but that if I do not follow through on my plan to leave my partner then they would need to get involved. To me, this suggests that they feel it would be best for my daughter to be out of the situation, but they (and nobody else, it seeens) can offer any advice on how much contact there should be between them when I do leave my partner. I get told it’s up to me to make that call.

When I have contacted them, I get told how our daughter should not be exposed to negativity between us, that contact should not be restricted unnecessarily, and ideally we should both be equally involved in making decisions.

So it feels like I’m being told:
– You need to leave the situation for your daughters best interests
– Do not to handle the situation in a way that will negatively impact your daughter and not to restrict contact with her father unnecessarily
– If you do make the wrong call, it will reflect badly on you
– But, no, we can’t give you advice on how best to manage the situation

How do you manage the first few days?!

[Iwantmeback]

The best advice it seems is from those of us who have left. If there were step by step guidelines for us I believe many would leave sooner, but not knowing keeps us in the cycle fir longer.
Looking at what you’ve been advised, to leave without telling him, that says he’s dangerous and as such there should be no contact therefore there should be none between him and your child either.
If it comes to it let the courts decide if there should be contact. All you can do just now is have a journal of abuse which is factual, dates times witnesses. Also note if he tries to get in touch in order to see his child, if he agrees a time and day and if he sticks to it.
By keeping your daughter safe, that is showing you are the responsible parent, a responsible parent wouldn’t put their child in danger. Plus if it comes down to it and there has to be parental access, make sure you ask who is going to take responsibility for your child’s welfare, emotionally and physically, and get it in writing.
At the end of the day it’s up to you to decide if he should see the wee one. My instinct just reading your post is to not do it. Listen to your gut love, it’s NEVER wrong.
IWMB 💕💕

[fizzylem]

Gah! Yes this is so very hard to navigate; in hind sight, for me, I wish I had cut contact all together and left it to him to fight for his access through the courts – as mad as this may sound, and frightening, this would have been the best thing to do – without doubt.

Do you think your child is at risk when in his care? Does she want to see her father?

I think as a general guide, dad’s who are deemed as having a right to access will get every other weekend. Although mine tried to threaten me with 50/50 as he does have the right to go for this, but I knew no Judge in this land would grant him that, nor that this is what he really wanted.

Regular short visits suit him, leaves him feeling he’s done his bit, shows the people in his world that he’s a good dad maintaining contact with his child, and for our daughter it means she is less likely to run into problems with him as he seems to be able to hold it together for a short time. It’s when he wants to get on with his own life and he’s got her that problems arise. She goes for one sleepover every other week and one tea the next – seems to work well for all of us.

As he cant afford holidays, and if he does go away he rarely if ever wants to take her, we havent had a problem here yet. So we stick to the same arrangement throughout the holidays too. After a few years of him sticking to the arrangement, after a few years of one problem after another with the arrangements, I introduced that he can request extra time – but he rarely does.

These men often use contact to continue to abuse, so yes, as above, if you do make an arrangement, make it a firm one, a set time, and see whether he sticks to it – keep contact re arrangements to the bare minimum, maybe set up a pay as you go phone or an online email, make it clear this is the only way you can be contacted now and it is for arrangements info only – then see if he can stick to that too. Whatever boundaries you put in place make sure you stick to them. You will then be able to identify pretty easily if he does not – and keep a record.

I find that if I think about what is right for my daughter and what she needs this guides me well. Now she’s older I can ask her how she likes it to be too, so it depends on her age I guess.

Do you have anyone in the family you can use for pick ups and drop offs? Do you need to use a contact centre? (this would likely determin the when if so).

Keep posting, there are many questions with this hey. FL. x

[fizzylem]

You are the primary carer, so its really up to you to decide what is best for her and how things will run for now – if he is not happy for any reason it is up to him to fight this is court. It’s always best for the child if you can agree, but sometimes this simply isn’t possible as he is unable to think and do what is best for the child.

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