The Girl on the Train

[StillAlive]

Hi to all. This is my first post.
I’ve been in an abusive marriage for (detail removed by moderator) that has included emotional, verbal and physical abuse and, for the past (detail removed by moderator), infidelity. When I discovered my husband’s affair, something in me snapped and I think it all just became too much for me to bear. Although I told him that I would try to forgive him if he gave up the affair (he did not– he just took it underground for another year until I exposed it again), I just couldn’t cope with all that was going on and began drinking– just a little at first (like an extra glass or two of wine at dinner sometimes, or a nightcap before bed– not every night, but perhaps 2-3 times a week). But then, as my tolerance built up, I began drinking a bit more, and a bit more regularly (3-4 times a week). Often it happened that, if I felt “it” coming on (as in, if he came home from work in a combative mood, or something he said or didn’t say tipped me off that he was going to “lose it” that evening), I would become so agitated and apprehensive– and so overcome with feelings of dread– that I would pour myself another glass of wine, and then another after dinner, and then another before going up to bed until I’d finished most of the bottle. Often he actually poured the glasses for me, or would hand me a nightcap as we were going to bed. Even then, though, I’d often be so anxious and my heart would be pounding and I would unable to settle down to go to sleep (virtually all of the violence took place once I’d put the children to bed) that I would end up trying to go to bed early and taking a sleeping tablet in order to keep myself out of commission for what I knew was probably coming. And it didn’t work– my youngest son recently confessed that he once watched his father toss me around the bedroom one night like a rag doll although I was basically unconscious as it was.
In any case, when I would awaken the next morning sore and covered with bruises, my husband would insist that these were things I’d done to myself because, he said, I’d gotten drunk and passed out the night before. Furthermore, he would often insist that, in addition, I’d gone after him in a drunken rage, and that I’d kicked him, or spat on him, or punched or tried to strangle him. I had no such memories and was truly horrified to hear such accusations– in fact, I would apologise over and over again and beg him to forgive me. I even asked my husband to please move out of the house if only to protect himself, but he refused, saying he needed to be there to watch the children (which is something, as I reflect on it now, he never actually did– I was the one who took care of them, fed them, washed them up, tucked them in at night. He never did any of that).
After one particularly violent incident during which I was completely sober when my husband threw me down and slammed the back of my head against the floor repeatedly and said he was going to kill me, and then tried to strangle me, I did seek medical help the next day and confessed (overwhelmed with shame– I never told *anyone* that this was going on), my doctor took out a camera and recorded all of the bruises on my body. At the very end– and there were a lot of bruises– he asked me to put my hands, palms down, on his desk and photographed the backs of my hands. Confused, I asked him why he wanted a photo of the backs of my hands. He told me that, if my husband’s allegations had been true– that I’d attacked him, or hit him, or punched him– that I’d almost certainly have bruises on my knuckles. And I never did. That really hit home for me, and I think I felt a tiny ray of hope that maybe I wasn’t some horrible raging monster after all.
My doctor and I repeated this drill two or three times over the next few months. My hands and knuckles were always unharmed, although my husband continued to insist that I had started whatever altercation had occurred. Furthermore, my doctor patiently explained that all of the injuries I had sustained over and over again were defensive wounds– heavy bruising on my forearms (shielding my face), on my knees (from being pushed or thrown to the floor), or on my buttocks (from having been pushed into furniture or walls). The last time I saw him– well over a year ago– my doctor looked at me and said, “You know this has to stop. It’s not good. It really has to stop.” I know he meant well, but I was so ashamed and didn’t know how to make it stop– I can’t believe I’m actually writing this, but it’s true, I felt completely helpless to make it stop– so instead I stopped going to him after the beatings continued.
Finally, one night (when I was completely sober), my children overheard their father screaming and then me being thrown around and one came into the room– and my husband turned on them and was violent with them. That did it for me. We kicked him out of the house, I changed the locks, and applied for an ex parte emergency non-molestation and occupation order, and so far, so good. Although I hadn’t been drinking very much at all for the previous few months, my desire to drink anything evaporated as soon as he left, because I no longer felt like I was living in a war zone. For the first time since the violence started, I felt sure that I was going to bed in peace, confident that I wouldn’t be attacked or hurt– and so I had no need for the sleeping tablets or the nightcap to stop my heart from pounding in my chest all night long. Although I do sometimes take an (detail removed by moderator) tablet to help me relax at night, mostly now I just get into bed and turn out the light. And fall asleep.
A few nights ago, one of my children brought home the film “The Girl on the Train” and we watched it together. I was astounded at how the various elements of that story overlapped with my own experience: in particular, the way that the main character was led to believe that she had been the perpetrator, and that the violence that occurred had been the result of her own drunken rages. I was so moved by the film, and felt such compassion for the main character, I was wondering whether there is anyone else out there who might have had a similar experience. Was anyone else ever convinced by the perpetrator that they were the one who was inflicting the abuse? I honestly came to believe it was largely me– the problem was me, and my rage.
Please also understand that I wasn’t angelic in any way– I certainly argued back, I’m sure I said hurtful things. I refused to stop asking questions or probing when I sensed he was lying, and once I found out that the affair had continued, I did call him names. I was often very angry and very hurt about that. And that night that he went after my kids, I did punch him in the arm to get him to release our child– who was screaming because he had in a chokehold. So I was not and am not completely without blame. I could have been a better person, and I still hope with all my heart to be one in the future. And I still struggle every day with the guilt, and the doubt and the fear that perhaps I did do terrible things. Like The Girl on the Train, every day for me is still an uphill battle to assure myself of my own sanity. Some days I feel like I am winning that battle, but most days I still feel I’m losing, that I must have done something to deserve all of this, that I could have been better, I could have been more patient or understanding or kind. But what keeps me going now is that he went after the kids. And no matter how evil I may be (he once said I’m the ugliest thing he’s ever seen), my children do not deserve what he did to them. And so I move forward knowing that as bad as I may be, I have to rise to protect them, because that’s what they deserve. Even if there’s no one to protect me.
Thank you for reading my story.

[KIP.]

Hey there and welcome. I saw that film and it was really good although triggering. Big Little Lies is also a good TV show in the way it shows they dysfunction of domestic abuse and violence. Have you had any counselling? Abusers like us to carry the guilt so that they don’t have to. My ex was always trying to force me to drink more. Alcohol makes us easier to abuse and control, eventually I refused to drink at all. It wasn’t a conscious decision but something in me recognised the link between alcohol and bad things happening to me. My refusal to drink cause huge arguments from him. Now I know why. You did nothing wrong. You minimised his abuse over the years as it creeps up on us. To cheat and rub your nose in it is what happened to me. You are not evil at all. Well done for getting rid of him. How dare he touch you or your children. I wish my GP had been as good as yours. I was just given anti depressants for decades. Making me feel even more that the abuse was my fault. It wasn’t x

[Ayanna]

Wow, what a story!
Yes, I have seen the film too.
I believe, that you have not done any of the things that the abuser accused you of.
Even drunken people have memories and you would at least have remember fractions.

My ex did similar to me once. He abused me so badly that I drunk several glasses of a strong wine. I never drink any alcohol and those few glasses sent me almost into a coma. When I woke up the next day he told me that I had cursed and vomited and almost died of choking from the vomit and that he had to clean me up.
What I remembered was just that I went straight to bed and fell into a deep sleep without delay.
When I woke up I lay in the same position as I had fallen asleep in. The bedsheets were the same as the day before. I was very confused about the story that he told me and I apologized. But I had my doubts and kept them to myself. It dawned to me much later that he had told me a huge lie and I had believed it.

I want to tell you that you are a great mother to defend your children and take them out of the danger zone.
You did not value yourself high enough and withdrew from the GP.
But when it comes to your children you do not compromise.

As fierce as you are in defending your children you also have to become to stand up for yourself.

I hope you get counselling to process the abuse.

Well done for getting out.
Use the GP evidence to get him out of your lives for good and to refuse him any access to the children.
If your children are old enough they can give evidence in court about what they saw he did to you.

[Starmoon]

Hi, welcome to the forum.
Your ex sounds horrendous!! I also echo kip in regards to your gp, at least he was the start of you realizing the truth. I saw the film also, and I’m so sorry you had to suffer similar experiences. My ex (like all abusers) made me feel everything was my fault and also accused me of verbally abusing him.. not exactly the same but I can imagine how much this must’ve messed with your head.
I hope you’re able to get support and help. And seriously well done for throwing him out. Now is the time to build yourself xxxx

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